Then Direct You Into My Arms
by blueandblack
Summary: Set during New Moon. Bella, Jacob, Victoria and the pack. There will be Edward later, but not as a result of cliff-diving and Tuscan suicide attempts. Jacob/Bella, some Edward/Bella, some Sam/Emily/Leah.
1. Chapter 1

I showered as quickly as I could. Showering was not safe.

Nothing was safe.

Not long after the water had warmed up nicely I was turning the taps off, hurrying to the towel-rail, trying not to wonder if everyone I cared about had died in those five long minutes I'd been gone.

I pulled on sweat pants and a tank top, rushed back to my room, feeling cleaner than you would think given the brevity of the shower, rubbing a towel violently over my wet hair and frowning.

Jacob was at the window, stooping a little to look out. He felt me come in, turned around, swallowed thickly.

"What is it?" I asked, letting my arms drop, immediately aware of the tension in the room. "Is it her?"

I didn't need to say the name, which was good because the sound of it nauseated me.

_Victoria_

Even the dull echo of it in my mind brought bile to my throat.

I hoped I never met anyone I really liked who was unfortunate enough to have that name. I hoped I lived long enough to meet new people at all.

Jacob smiled a little and he looked so horribly exhausted that I wondered how he even managed to move his lips. He shook his head, said "It's nothing..." added quietly, "It's sort of you."

I made a show of furrowing my brow, attacked my head with the towel again. "Huh," I said, like I didn't know where those words had come from - thinking how really I _didn't._

_Did I?_

My arms started to ache from the exertion. I busied myself hanging the towel neatly over the edge of my bed.

When I stopped moving I shivered a little. It was cold and my still-damp hair wasn't helping, but I didn't want to use the hairdryer. It was so loud and I got nervous when I couldn't hear anything. Terrified actually. After all I was nervous all the time.

My eyes darted left and right, trying to locate my sweater, not wanting to cross into Jacob's side of the room.

_Jacob's side of the room? What is this, the Brady Bunch?_

By the time I remembered I'd left the sweater in the bathroom, Jacob was stepping toward me, boldly crossing my imaginary line, putting his hand on my bare upper arm.

"Are you cold?"

_Was I cold?_

Heat spread through me at an alarming rate, rippling out from the vast patch of skin his hand was coating.

I should have been thinking on my feet, planning, finding the right thing to say, the right way to deal with this moment. But my mind was like a scratched disc, a robotic loop of _Step forward, step back Step forward, step back Step forward, step back -_

All I could do was stare up at him and shake my head a little.

Jacob smiled softly, but there was something dangerous in his weary eyes. He brought his other hand to my cheek and suddenly I was filled with so much fear that I expected to hear Edward's voice, beautiful and sharp, telling me _No, Bella, this is reckless and foolish and -_

But there was nothing beyond the interminable _Step forward, step back,_ pointless now because he'd already closed the gap, leaned down from impossibly high above, pressed his lips gently to mine.

My eyes closed. I couldn't move, couldn't even breathe.

One of his lips slipped in between mine and the sheer heat of him spilled into me for just a second.

Just a second and then he pulled away.

My eyes opened and felt wide. His face slowly came back into focus.

Every muscle in my body was taut, my fists were clenched.

"I'm sorry," he said, his hands safely back at his sides, looking away.

"It's cool," I mumbled stupidly, moving quickly to the other side of the room, trying not to process what had just happened.

The only real kisses I'd ever had were from Edward and those felt like forever ago. The last time I'd felt lips that warm on mine was literally forever ago. It would have been strange even if it hadn't been so unexpected, _so unwanted._

And yet... And yet I did want Jacob. Or I needed him at least. There was a difference, wasn't there? There had to be.

The confusion was absolute and emptying and sometimes it seemed like losing Edward had actually scrambled my brain, not just my heart.

_Sometimes? You're only hearing voices for God's sake._

I squeezed my eyes shut for a second, trying to force the thoughts from my mind. Then I picked up my watch off the desk. It was nearly 6 o'clock. Charlie would be home soon, wanting dinner.

I glanced surreptitiously over at Jacob, who was at the window, his back to me again. I dreaded what I'd see in his face when he turned around. He'd be embarrassed, or worse, angry, hurt.

_Or defeated, ready to give you up and go away._

My chest constricted painfully at the thought of not having him anymore, and then something in me twisted again because it was wrong, so wrong to try to keep him.

But I needed to keep him. There was no way around that. Just a little longer, that was all.

_Just a little longer._

"I'm going to go start dinner." I said, so quietly I wondered if he'd hear. Carefully I added, "You can stay, if you like."

He turned to me, smiled, and it was the same smile, the one I knew. The relief was so overwhelming it was almost uncomfortable. "Thanks Bells, but I should go." He gestured to the window. "It's ok, Embry's outside now, you'll be safe."

"Ah, the changing of the guard," I quipped, before adding softly "You should sleep, Jake."

His eyes were cloudy and purple circles tried to pull them down his russet cheeks. For days he had done nothing but watch me and hunt _her._ I thought idly how much more convenient crises like this one must be for vampires, whose bodies didn't need to recharge.

Jacob nodded, stared over at me hazily, swayed a little. For a second I thought he was going to drop right there. But his eyebrows shot up suddenly and he was alert again, heading for the door with long confident strides, so quiet yet so solid, footsteps that seemed to tell me I didn't need to worry (even though I knew I did).

"I'll give you some of last night's lasagna to take home to Billy," I offered, following him out of the room. "Hey how did you guys even eat before me?"

"Oh give me a break, we _can_ cook." He grinned back at me. "We just prefer it when you do."

We were joking. Jokes and teasing again. Was I really going to get off this lightly?

I hurried down the stairs and into the kitchen, pulled the lasagna out of the fridge and starting spooning it into tupperware.

Jake paced, I suspected to keep himself awake.

Then I was at the top of the porch steps, he was at the bottom and it was a strange perspective. Freakishly tall Jacob Black looking up at little me.

"I really am sorry about before." He shook his head, let his tired eyes fall to the ground. "I'm an idiot."

"No you're not," I said too loudly, before I could stop myself, before I could think of something more non-committal to say.

Jake just looked back up at me shyly, didn't say a word.

Then he was gone.

-----

I took the steaks out of the fridge, started mixing up a salad dressing. Relief that things hadn't changed with Jacob seemed to have made my mood light in spite of the always crippling anxiety.

I had an urge to make a cup of instant coffee for Embry, like he was a builder or a gardener or the guy who cleaned the pool we didn't have. Then I remembered he'd probably be a wolf right now and not have much need for coffee, wondered ridiculously if I should buy some dog food or something, laughed a bit.

I tip-toed out onto the porch, keeping an eye out for Charlie's car.

_"Embry,"_ I hissed.

There was a rustling in the trees across the road, huge shadows melted into nothing. A second later Embry - the boy, not the wolf - was standing on the porch with me, the bottom half of his body mercifully clothed.

"What?" he asked, peering into the house behind me, eyes sharp, searching.

"Nothing, I just wanted to see if you wanted some coffee or... something." I almost laughed again, yawned instead.

"Coffee? Why would I want coffee?" He seemed slightly irritated that I'd made him shift and come over here.

"Um... because it's nice. And warm?"

He rolled his eyes. "_I'm_ nice and warm." He started to head back to the trees.

"And it keeps you awake!" I called weakly after him.

Embry stopped, turned around, considering. "Well the bitch bloodsucker does have us burning the candle at both ends."

I sighed. "She really does." Then I felt myself brighten, glad that I could do something to help, however trivial it may be. "Wait there," I said, walked into the house to turn the kettle on, frowned, turned around and stuck my head back out the door, said "I mean, come in. Obviously."

-----

We were sitting at the kitchen table with mugs of hot coffee, Embry adding another spoonful of sugar every time he took a sip. He was telling me about a dance the high school in La Push was holding that weekend, and how he'd sort of accidentally asked someone to go with him and couldn't see a way out now.

"It's going to be painful. Streamers in the community centre, shit music, un-spiked punch." He shook his head and the misery on his face was almost comical.

I smiled. "I feel your pain. Not much of a prom girl myself."

"Oh this will be way worse than prom. And I don't even really like this girl." He sighed.

"And you invited her why?"

"That's the thing! We were talking and somehow... I don't even get how it happened. She's tricky."

I laughed. "Maybe she used witchcraft on you."

Embry looked at me, said totally deadpan, "You know I was just thinking that too."

I smiled, broke it when I sipped my coffee. "Jake's not going?" The question was light.

Embry rolled his eyes at me. "Oh _please._ No Bella, if Jake hasn't asked you, then he is not going." He smirked knowingly. "Honestly, you kids."

I tried not to blush. Why did Embry always have to be so damn open about these things? "Whatever, I was just wondering," I said, keeping my tone casual.

"Right." He was clearly unconvinced. "Anyway it's not like we could all go. Not unless we get the bloodsucker between now and then."

"Right," I echoed softly.

_Victoria_

My grip on the mug tightened as her name flashed sickeningly through my mind.

-----

When Charlie walked in I shot up, far too abruptly.

"Ch- Dad!" I smiled.

"Bella," he said in response, looking puzzled. "You're jumpy."

Embry stood up.

"Dad, this is Embry. He's a friend of Jake's."

Charlie shrugged out of his jacket. "Yeah we've met before. Round at Sam Uley's." He smiled, slapped Embry affectionately on the shoulder. "How you doing, son? Are you staying for dinner?"

Embry eyed the steaks on the counter enviously. "Uh, no. Thanks. I have things I should be doing." He glanced meaningfully at me and I nodded slightly.

When he was gone, Charlie turned to me. "You're not seeing Embry Call are you, Bella?"

I dropped the salad tongs. "What?!"

"I mean don't get me wrong, he's a good kid," Charlie continued, "I just don't think it would be fair to-"

_"Dad."_ I interrupted, my face hideously hot now. Was he _insane_? "He just came by to see if Jake was here. And I made coffee, because I'm well brought up. _Okay?_"

Charlie chuckled a little, held his hands up in surrender. "Okay. What's for dinner?"

I picked up the tongs, started tossing the salad again, reached over and turned the heat on under the pan. "It's right in front of you," I said, a little too curtly.

Charlie just chuckled again, walked into the living room, flipped on the TV.

I put the steaks in the pan and stared into them as they started to sizzle, trying not to think about Charlie's unfinished sentence.

_I just don't think it would be fair to Jake._


	2. Chapter 2

The next day Charlie came home from work in an uncharacteristically foul mood.

He slammed a bunch of papers down on the kitchen counter. _"Professional. Development. Training."_ He spat each word with disdain.

I tried not to laugh at the expression on his face. "Um, what?"

Charlie sighed and slumped down in the nearest chair. "Apparently we can't be trusted to do our jobs anymore until we spend a weekend with a bunch of peppy - " he put air-quotes around the next words - " 'highly qualified' thirty year olds being told how."

"What? You're the sheriff. How are they going to be more qualified than you at being the sheriff?" I asked indignantly, taking the spaghetti off the stove and draining the water out into the sink.

"I'll be damned if I know. Anyway I have to go to Seattle this weekend. It's either that or I pay my own way to Los Angeles in three weeks time." He went to the fridge and pulled out a beer. "You'll be okay on your own?"

"Sure," I said, sprinkling sea salt over the pasta sauce in the pan. Then I had a thought. It would be a hell of a lot more convenient for the pack not to have to be staking out my house all the time. I glanced over at Charlie. "Um, I might go and stay with the Blacks actually. If you're cool with that." I looked down. "I'd get a little nervous at night without you around."

The irony of that statement was not lost on me. It would actually be a huge relief to have my father out of town, far from Victoria's trail of destruction.

Charlie raised his eyebrows a little too high, before nodding in agreement. "As long as Billy doesn't mind."

I smirked. "Why would Billy mind? He knows I'll end up cooking for him."

"Okay well don't let them work you too hard," he joked, walking into the living room to turn on the TV.

"I won't," I said, my mind flashing guiltily to the fact that even a three cheese souffle wouldn't exactly be challenging compared to what the pack had to deal with at the moment.

Charlie popped his head back through the kitchen door. "Oh. And just so we're clear, Billy will be there at all times?"

I rolled my eyes. "Yes Dad, he'll be there at all times. When I eat, sleep, shower and pee. Happy?"

"Not really," he grumbled, as he headed for the sofa. "Professional development. What the hell do they think I've been doing these past twenty years?"

-----

Wednesday, Thursday, Friday. The same routine: I stay inside as much as is possible, Jake, Embry and Jared take shifts lurking outside the house. We wait for Victoria to make a move, hope she doesn't, hope the others find her first in the woods and finish it there.

At last it was friday afternoon. Charlie was taking the cruiser to Seattle and I was taking the truck - and Jake - to La Push. I was glad Charlie hadn't seemed to notice how strange that was - Jacob coming all the way to Forks just to drive back to his own house with me. And I was glad he had been too busy packing and spewing vitriol at the 'system' to wonder how Jake even got over here.

"You know, as much as I love your truck, it would probably be quicker if I just carried you and ran." Jacob grinned over at me from the passenger seat. "More environmentally friendly too."

"As delightful as that would be, there's no way I'm getting myself stranded on the reservation with werewolf as my only means of transportation."

Jacob chuckled. "Fair enough. After all, you never know when Embry might need another hot beverage."

"Ah, I see my skill with instant coffee is an exciting topic of conversation round the water cooler."

"Oh yeah, kept us going for days." He smiled over at me. "It was cute. That you did that."

I tried not to feel his eyes on me, warm and full of affection, shrugged. "I'm a nurturer, it's my way."

"He told you about his screw up with Erin," Jake laughed.

"Oh the girl he accidentally asked to that dance? Poor Embry. He really needs to be more careful with these things." I giggled, remembering his face when he had said the word 'streamers'. "He was so miserable about it."

Jake snorted. "He's a drama queen. Erin's cute. And what's so wrong with going to a dance anyway? Could be fun."

I felt my eyes widen involuntarily, my hands grip a little tighter on the wheel.

He grinned at my expression. "Relax Bells. I wasn't going to ask you. I know how you feel about organized social events..." The next part was heavier, "... and other things."

I swallowed, tried pathetically to paper over the cracks in that sentence. "Yeah because you know, I'm not into wearing heels either and I'm pretty sure they expect that kind of thing at dances. Not to mention... dancing."

"Sure, sure."

_Success! Cracks adequately papered._

"Anyway we'll be all kinds of busy this weekend. Fun, fun. Well not you, you'll be sitting at home with Billy like a good girl," he teased. "Unless we decide to use you as bait of course."

I swung my head around to Jacob, almost swerving off the road in the process.

"Jesus Bells!" he breathed, "Maybe we should pull over and run the rest of the way."

I shook my head. I was back in control now, eyes on the road, mind racing with possibility.

"That's _brilliant._ I can be bait!" I smiled wide, ridiculously excited by the prospect of actually being useful. "Why didn't anyone think of this before?"

He gave me a funny look. "Uh, Bella, I was kidding. You're not going to be bait."

I looked over at him again, careful to keep my hands steady on the wheel this time. "Why not?" I whined.

"Oh Jake," he mimicked my tone, "Why can't I put myself in mortal danger?"

I glared at him. "I just want to help."

"And you can! In the kitchen, where the womenfolk belong," he teased.

"I swear to God, I would smack you right now if I wasn't driving."

He smirked. "It'd hurt you more than it'd hurt me."

"Right, of course. Because you're so _big_ and _strong,_" I muttered sarcastically.

The smirk shifted into a grin.

"You said it, not me."

-----

"Don't date Quileute men. They make you fall in love with them, then they turn into werewolves and fuck off with your sweet, boring cousin."

I was taken aback by this outburst to say the least.

"All of them?"

Leah Clearwater sighed, ashed into a nearby pot-plant, took another drag on her cigarette. "Sure why not."

We were sitting on the front porch of the Clearwaters' house, waiting while the pack had some intense strategic discussion with Harry and Billy over vast quantities of pizza for afternoon tea.

"According to Sam anyway," Leah continued. "He reckons it's a tribal thing." She laughed bitterly. "Bullshit."

"A tribal thing?"

"Yeah like some kind of wolf destiny, powerless-to-resist mojo. And I'm supposed to just buy that." She shook her head and a silky black veil fell around her face. "Sam just doesn't want to be the asshole."

"Nobody likes being the asshole," I mumbled, more to myself than to her.

"I'd rather be an asshole than be dumped," she said softly, I think more to herself than to me.

"I'm really sorry, Leah."

She looked over at me, and her eyes were as red and as tired as they had been all those weeks ago at that dinner, when she had spent the whole night on the phone. Then she shrugged, a valiant attempt at nonchalance, but it was impossible not to see how her shoulders quivered.

"I'm sorry too. He's sorry. Emily's sorry. It's great."

I swallowed, not sure what to say to that.

About thirty seconds went by in silence.

"Don't date Quileute men," Leah said again, exhaling a thin cloud of smoke.

-----

My first night in the Blacks' house was strange and unsettling.

Jacob had insisted I have his room, even though I had battled long and hard for the couch. His bed was barely big enough to accommodate his enormous frame, the couch would have to be hell on his limbs. But Jake reasoned that he'd be outside most of the night anyway, doing sweeps around the house in wolf form. I made him promise that he would take a nap in his own bed during the day.

It was confusing sleeping in someone else's bed. It had been confusing my first night in Forks too, but I was used to my room by now. It was mine. This wasn't mine. This was full of Jacob.

He had gone to the trouble of washing his sheets, so they were crisp and clean and smelled of washing powder and very little else. For a second the thought of him doing laundry made me giggle, but then I realized it was probably a pretty ordinary thing for him. After all, Billy was in a wheelchair, his sisters were gone and his mother... He was probably a pro with the washing machine.

I made a note to tease him later about making someone a good wife someday. Get him back for his womenfolk crack.

My eyes darted around in the gloom, just barely made out the tiny wooden bookcase packed with unnamed volumes, a waste paper basket full of crumpled pages, the grease-stained jeans slung over the back of a solitary chair, the same ones he always wore when we were together in the garage.

The longer I lay in these sheets, looking up at a ceiling dotted with tiny stick-on stars that didn't really glow anymore, the longer I lay in the stillness and quiet, breathing the air in this little room, the less I smelled washing powder and the more I smelled that familiar earthy smell. Rain and pine needles.

_Jacob._

I tried to think of something else, anything else. Anything besides the fact that I was lying in Jake's bed, wrapped in the sheets he had washed. My mind quickly found Leah Clearwater, her sad eyes and her bitter words.

Alone in the dark, the thought of her nearly brought me to tears and I realized that it was because her face was a dark-skinned, almond-eyed reflection of mine in those first months when Edward had left me, when I was ripped open and torn apart.

And underneath it all, I knew I was still broken too. I wasn't okay, not really, even if I smiled and laughed and lived pretty convincingly now.

_Edward._

That was the other unsettling thing about sleeping in someone else's room. Things weren't where they should be. When I woke up from a nightmare and instinctively, inevitably looked for Edward at my window, there was only a blank white wall where he would have been.


	3. Chapter 3

I poked Jacob's leg with my finger. "You said you weren't going to sleep."

His eyes shot open, blinked blearily.

Mine glared down at him.

"You said you weren't going to sleep," I repeated stonily.

"Um... sorry?" He sat up, pulling his legs back from over the edge of the sofa.

"So you should be. Upstairs, now." I stood up and put my hands on my hips, trying to look commanding.

He rubbed at his eyes, shaking his head at the same time. "No way. I get you to myself for the whole day, more or less anyway. I'm not taking any naps."

I couldn't help but smile. "You act like I'm the pope or something."

"Well you are to me." His face was solemn. "My small, pretty, girl version of the pope."

I laughed, shoved at his shoulder. "You freak. Go to bed. I'm serious."

He grinned and stood up, stretching his arms above his head so they almost brushed the ceiling. "Not a chance, Bells."

I sighed. "Fine. But if you won't sleep, will you at least eat? I'm really good at breakfast, you know."

He cocked his head to one side, considered this. "Well I'll eat, obviously, but I'm not really sure if you should."

I raised my eyebrows. "Okay... you don't want me to eat." I wasn't sure where he was going with this.

"What?" He yawned. "No, eating is fine. Just not beforehand. Let's just make some sandwiches to take with us or something."

I frowned, puzzled. "Beforehand? And take with us where?"

He walked over to the window and glanced out. "It's a good day - for Washington anyway. Sunny enough that we're unlikely to get a visit from our sparkly friend."

I nodded slowly. "Okay... so we're..."

He finished my sentence. "... going cliff diving."

He beamed at me.

"What? Why? What?" I asked in quick succession.

He laughed. "Cliff diving. Because you said you wanted to. Cliff diving."

"But I..." I swallowed. "I don't..."

Jacob grinned at my expression. "It's okay if you've changed your mind, Bells." His eyes gleamed wickedly. "If you're too scared, I mean."

I scowled. "It's not that I'm _scared._"

"Great! Let's go." Jacob's face was mostly innocent now. Mostly.

"Great," I agreed, through teeth clenched together in a tight smile. "Except I didn't exactly pack my bathing suit."

Jake shrugged. "Not an issue. We'll find something." He snickered. "A pair of my board shorts from when I was eight should fit you."

I rolled my eyes. "And the top of me, Jacob?"

"You did pack more than one tee-shirt didn't you?"

I looked down, mumbled, "I guess."

"Right. And a little salt water never did anything any harm." He clapped his hands together in an obnoxious show of enthusiasm. "I'll find you something to wear, you start on the sandwiches. There's ham in the fridge."

He hurried up the stairs, taking them two at a time.

I wandered into the kitchen, feeling my initial anxiety curl around an inevitable excitement in the pit of my stomach. After all, Jacob was right, I did want to do this. This was the kind of danger that could reward me with whole monologues from my own, inner Edward.

-----

I had assumed I'd be scared. Really, really scared actually. Paralyzed with fear and possibly unable to go through with it.

But it was the strangest thing. Standing here on this cliff - the lower one of course, staring down into the frothy waves, my hand in Jacob's warm one, I barely felt afraid at all.

It was nice to feel safe, nice to be protected, but on the other hand, I knew there was very little chance of my hearing Edward's voice while Jake was by my side.

Still I wanted to do this.

Jacob asked the question just as I thought the answer. "Are you sure you wanna do this Bells? We can just climb back down the way we came." He glanced behind us. "Of course that's a lot less fun."

I grimaced. "No more hiking. Not even if it's downhill." I gestured to my glistening limbs with my free hand. "I am not accustomed to this level of sweat."

"Ok then." He took a deep breath. "Are you ready for this?"

I giggled nervously. "No. But I'm doing it anyway."

Jake grinned. "Right. Feet first the first time you do this. It's a little less daunting that way."

I nodded, swallowing as the unavoidable butterflies began to congregate in my stomach. "Feet first."

"Ok on three." He gave my hand a quick squeeze. "One... two... thre-"

We were falling.

The air rushed past me with a dizzying _whoosh_, my stomach seemed to have relocated to my neck.

_Falling._

We hit the water with incredible force, plunged down, down into the building blackness.

It was only then that I began to panic. Just for a second, Edward felt very, very close, so close I could almost hear shades of _Bella._

But Jacob was closer. His hand was still firmly around mine and he was pulling me steadily upward. Up, up to the surface and the dull Washington sun.

My head broke through the waves and I gasped hungrily for air.

Jacob was laughing and shaking the water out of his short, shaggy hair. "So?" he asked excitedly.

"Oh my God," I said, still panting, laughing a little now too. "God..." I was struggling to get words out. "It's _freezing._"

Jake chuckled, swam closer to me and pulled me into his arms, wrapped his legs around mine under the water.

"Better?" he asked.

I nodded, feeling my shivering start to subside.

It was strange being in the water with Jacob. When we were floating, we were sort of balanced, eye to eye easily.

_Mouth to mouth._

We'd been grinning stupidly at each other, but I could see that his face was changing, the grin was being replaced by a different kind of smile.

I could feel his heart beating against my chest, the muscles in his arms flexing gently around me.

I pulled my arms out from under his and looped them around his neck, dragging myself closer to him, mostly to get my lips away from his.

But when my face was safely at his neck, it was almost worse. The thin soaking wet cotton of my tee-shirt did nothing to block the heat of his body from my skin and I couldn't stop the fear building in my stomach, couldn't stop my heart beating as fast, or even faster, than his.

I was dimly aware of how ridiculous I was being.

_You can jump off a cliff just fine, but_ now _you're scared to death?_

Thinking did no good. My rational mind could do nothing to control the panic and it didn't help when I felt Jacob's rough, warm cheek shift against my neck, felt his hot breath on my ear as he whispered "Fun, huh?"

I managed a shaky "Mmhm," in reply and pulled myself even closer against him, wondering at the same time how on earth that was going to help anything.

I was so warm now. So warm in freezing water. So warm and so afraid of this boy who always protected me.

My mind cast around frantically for something to say, something light, a joke to thin the mood that got thicker and thicker by the second.

"It's really handy having my own personal walking talking hot water bottle."

Jacob laughed his throaty laugh into my neck. "I bet it is."

Then he pulled away from me, took hold of my hand again and made a joke about racing me back to the shore, muttered "What would be the point" with mock disappointment.

I splashed water into his face with my free hand, laughed partly out of relief. "Just because you're so much bigger than me that you have like half the distance to travel."

He chuckled. "I do have an unfair advantage. But I don't think you could beat Billy either."

I gasped. "Shut up! I'm a strong swimmer!" I insisted, before adding ruefully, "Relative to my other athletic skills."

He snickered. "Ok, hop on." He gestured for me to climb onto his back, put my arms around his neck. "I don't want to have to wait around and watch you struggle to shore."

I groaned. "You really have this thing with carrying me, don't you?"

He grinned cheerfully. "It's fun!"

I rolled my eyes, but climbed on anyway, secretly glad not to have to expend any further energy. We were pretty far out.

Jacob towed me back to the beach with amazing speed, his arms reaching out in vast powerful strokes, seemingly unencumbered by my weight on his back.

When we reached the shore, we started trudging up to where we had left our stuff and I looked down at my feet, made a face. "Ugh. See this is the problem with the beach. Water and sand. They do evil things together." I stopped walking, trying pointlessly to scuff the sand off one foot with the other.

"Yeah, water and sand, just like Bonnie and Clyde." Jake grabbed my hand and pulled me along. "Hurry up, I haven't got all day."

I frowned, stumbling along next to him. "Yes you have."

He grinned over at me. "Ok, I have, but hurry up anyway."

-----

We were sitting on one of the white skeleton-trees that littered the beach at La Push, and I was all dry, apart from my hair. I'd gone behind some rocks, changed into jeans and a fresh tee-shirt, toweled off my feet, and I was now feeling considerably more civilized.

Jake hadn't felt the need to change and I could see that he was already basically dry.

I could also see that he'd already finished all of his sandwich, and I took pity on him, handed over half of mine.

He beamed. "See this is perfect. I can be your personal heater and you can be my personal sandwich-giver."

I shook my head and swallowed a mouthful quickly so I could object. "Oh don't think I'm going to be giving you my food all the time. You're just lucky I'm not that hungry."

Jacob scoffed. "You're never that hungry."

"Not true! A couple of years back, I had this whole thing with oranges. At one point I was eating like, six a day." I laughed to myself. "Renee was worried I'd break out in hives."

Jacob was unimpressed. "Oranges? Pathetic. Get back to me when you're eating six pizzas a day."

I laughed again. "Yeah, I don't think that's ever gonna happen."

We talked for a while longer, about silly things - now that I'd started riding motorcycles and jumping off cliffs for fun, we should really get me into drugs, alcohol and hardcore gambling stat - and serious things - Jake said the pack was pretty sure Quil was going to start phasing any day now. His eyes clouded over when he talked about Quil and I knew he was in a kind of mourning; a mourning for Quil's childhood and for his own.

He shook his head, suddenly smiled brilliantly at me. "That's enough moping for the day. I'm going again, from the top. Are you game?"

I froze. "Um, sure, maybe, but I... I changed and... ate."

Jake just laughed. "Guess not. It's a good thing too, because I wouldn't have let you anyway." He leapt to his feet and winked at me. "You can wait here and watch the master."

He was up at the top cliff in far less time than it had taken us to reach the lower one. He waved down at me and I waved back up at him.

Then out of the corner of my eye I saw something. Something that drained the color from my face, pulled the corners of my mouth downward.

A flash of red out on the water, flickering toward me at an impossible speed, like wildfire.

Red, brilliant, blinding.

_Victoria_

Jacob had seen her too, because he screamed down to me. "Bella! _RUN!_"

I looked up at him again, unable to move, like I was buried in the sand. I saw Jacob jump. And in the two seconds he was in the air, I saw him change. Red-brown fur exploded out of him and a howl pierced the air as he crashed into the waves.

For one brief, idiotic second, I worried that he might not be able to swim as a wolf.

Then I was running.


	4. Chapter 4

I was running, much faster than I would have thought I was capable of. Running without stopping, without falling, without looking back, even though everything in me ached to turn around, to turn around and see Jacob, safe and smiling behind me.

But what if I saw her instead?

Or worse, what if I saw Jacob and he wasn't safe, wasn't smiling?

_Running, running, not looking back._

I could see the road, I could see my truck.

I could see three enormous wolves flying toward me in a mad blur of grays and browns. They tore past me and I whipped around, my eyes following them back over the dune, back down the beach, back to the shore and Jacob and _Victoria._

It was only when I had stopped moving that I realized how fast I was breathing. My heart beat so hard against my chest that it felt like it was going to throw itself out of me.

And then he was there. Edward was _there._ His cool crystalline voice filled my head, asking _Bella why are you stopping?_, commanding urgently _Keep running, you have to turn around, keep running. Go. Go now._

But I couldn't move. I was rooted to the spot, staring down at my feet now.

Slowly, slowly, my breathing steadied. With the pack between me and Victoria, the danger became less and less immediate, less and less real.

Edward's voice trickled out of my mind.

And that was when the tears came. That was when a different kind of panic overwhelmed me.

I looked out and I could see in the distance that there were three tall human figures at the shore now. Three tall human figures and one enormous russet wolf, lying at their feet.

I was running again, running back the way I had come.

"Where is she?" I breathed as I reached them. "What happened? Is she dead?"

Sam Uley shook his head. "No, but she's gone."

"She got away?" My voice cracked horribly.

"She took off. In the water. She wouldn't have come back up again, not in the state she was in."

I stared dumbly at him.

"She doesn't need to breathe, Bella. There's no point in us trying to compete with her out there."

I nodded mechanically. My eyes swept the water, not quite able to look over to the place where I knew the russet wolf would be. I was blinking away moisture, shuddering convulsively, when I saw something that made me stumble backward, fall to the sand.

There were _pieces_ in the foam.

_Human shaped pieces._

I fought the urge to vomit, watching as one slender white arm was pushed and pulled bloodily in the wet sand.

I tore my eyes away with a sob. They immediately found _him_ and I was crying, messily, embarrassingly, crawling through the sand toward the Jacob-wolf. Then I was clinging to him, tangling my hands in his fur, my chest heaving with sobs while the waves lapped around us both.

"What's happening?" I wheezed, looking up at Sam. _"Where is he?"_

Sam crouched down beside us. "Bella it's okay. He's just too weak to phase back right now. Give him time." His expression was open and reassuring but I didn't trust it, I couldn't trust it.

I buried my face in the fur again and tried to be comforted by the shallow breaths that made the huge wolf's body rise and fall under me.

Sam was pulling gently at my arm. "You need to let go of him, Bella, we need to move him."

"No!" I objected, but I let him pull me limply away.

"Move him where?" The words just barely jerked out of me. "You can't take him to a doctor, you can't even take him to a _vet._"

Suddenly I was wishing with all of my heart that the Cullens were here, and not for my sake, not this time. For Jacob. Carlisle would have been able to help him, no questions asked.

It wasn't for my sake and yet it still was. I couldn't lose Jacob too, not like this, _not at all._ It was too much. Far, far too much.

I was still sobbing, loud guttural breaths ripping out of me, and I could feel Sam pulling me to my feet. "Relax, Bella. It'll be okay. Harry knows someone."

He moved away and I was swaying, about to fall when another pair of hands caught me.

I closed my eyes, heard a voice saying "Embry, take her to Emily, get her some tea."

"No!" I protested weakly, eyes still closed. "I want to go with you."

Then Sam was in front of me, his hand on my shoulder, telling me to open my eyes. "Bella, listen. It's broad daylight and we're on a beach. We have to get him out of here, fast. There's nothing you can do at this point. We'll call you as soon as he can see you."

I stared into his dark eyes, and they were so calm, so ridiculously calm. For a second I wanted to hit him. I cried some more instead.

Then Embry was half dragging me, half carrying me across the sand, asking where the keys to my truck were.

-----

Embry was outside, guarding the house. I was sitting with Emily Young on a sofa in a dark room. I had been sitting there for hours. At least it seemed like hours. The sun was long-gone anyway. My tea had long since gone cold.

The phone rang and I stood up immediately, my fingers curling and stretching, curling and stretching at my sides.

Emily moved quickly, answered on the third ring.

Her voice was low and hurried. My heart started to pound furiously and it was a strange feeling, strange because it felt like nothing inside me had moved since Embry had lifted me into the truck.

"Wait a moment, honey," Emily put her hand over the receiver. "Bella he's going to be okay."

Relief flooded through me but it wasn't absolute. It wouldn't be absolute until I could see him. What if Emily was just trying to make me feel better? What did "okay" mean anyway?

But I was breathing properly now, more or less. For the first time since Jacob had waved to me from the top of that cliff I was breathing properly. My frozen limbs thawed gently and when I sat down again I could feel the softness of the sofa on my back. As I calmed down, little by little, I was finally able to take in my surroundings.

And I was finally able to really see Emily. Embry had warned me about the scar, told me how there had been an accident with Sam early on. But nothing had prepared me for the lovely horror of her face.

Now that I was really seeing it, I was finding it hard not to stare, finding it hard not to let the word _karma_ creep cruelly into my head.

I forced my eyes to the ground when she walked over to me.

"Bella, sweetheart, I'm going to make you a fresh cup of tea, and this time you're going to drink it, okay?"

I was still clutching at my sides. "I'll try."

Emily sat down beside me and put a warm hand on my shoulder, forgetting the tea for a moment. "He'll be alright, Bella. Sam promised."

I nodded emptily, but I couldn't help but whisper "What if he's lying."

Emily smiled and tucked a lock of hair behind my ear. "Sam doesn't lie. Not when it's serious."

My mind suddenly jumped completely unexpectedly to something other than the sight of the Jacob-wolf, lying helpless on the shore. I hadn't really been able to think of anything else up to this point but now...

I turned to Emily.

"So he's not lying to Leah then?" I asked, aware that I probably sounded more accusing than I meant to.

Pain flickered over Emily's ugly-beautiful face. "About what?"

"About you and him being a tribal thing. About it not being his fault."

Emily hesitated. "No. He's not. Not as far as we know, anyway."

I shook my head a little. "I don't get it though. Everyone used to say how much Sam and Leah were in love. What changes something like that?"

Emily sighed heavily, looked down at her hands in her lap. "It's called imprinting. Basically once Sam and I met, he was unable to not be with me. It's supposed to ensure successful procreation within the tribe, but... well, there's nothing wrong with Leah is there." She tugged nervously at the fabric of her skirt. "It was very hard for her."

I nodded, my eyes running up and down the thick purple scar. "I think it still is."

"Yeah." She shook her head slowly, sadly. "Harry tries to talk to her about it, but she won't listen. He tries to tell her that it's got nothing to do with her as a person, that it's nobody's fault - " Emily broke off and there were tears in her eyes now. "But then that's not entirely true. It's my fault in a way. I could have rejected him." A tear fell into her hands in her lap. "And yet... I could never."

I was still staring at her, inevitable unwanted pity pooling inside me.

I looked down, swallowed. "So... So everyone in the pack will..."

Emily knew what I was trying to ask even if I couldn't finish my question. "Oh no. At least not according to what we know. Harry thinks it's quite rare now, because of the way the population has shifted and spread."

I barely dared to look back up at her.

"But there is someone out there? A perfect someone for every one of the wolves?"

"In theory." Emily put her warm hand back on my shoulder for a moment, then stood up and reached for my cup. "Tea," she reminded me.

-----

"Jake I was so scared."

Finally they had let me see him, nearly twenty four hours later, finally they had let me confirm with my own eyes that he was alive and intact and human again. We were in his room and I was sitting by his bed on the solitary wooden chair. He was lying back looking up at me, his dark skin swathed here and there in soft white bandages that left his body room to heal itself.

"I should hope so. I'd be worried if you weren't scared when a vicious bloodsucker whose sole mission is eating Bella Swan was barreling through the ocean toward you." He coughed and it sounded awful.

I shook my head, looked down at my hands. "No. I mean... yes, but after that..." I looked over at him again and I could feel the tears stinging my eyes. "I was so scared that I'd lose you."

He laughed and it sounded as hoarse and as painful as it had when he had coughed. "You don't need to worry about me, Bells. I'm big and strong, remember?"

I was still staring at him, searching his dark eyes restlessly. "You don't know what it was like." I whispered. "It was like you were _gone._ Like you were lost in the wolf."

He smiled softly. "I was always there. I could hear you. I could feel you."

His eyes slid shut for a second, then flickered open again with what seemed to be a Herculean effort.

"You look like you're about to pass out, Jake."

"It's the morphine. I can't stay awake all that long." He smiled over at me again. "You look pretty tired yourself."

I groaned, sat back in my chair. "I am. I'm actually not sure I've ever been this tired in my life. I haven't been able to sleep since the beach, obviously."

"So sleep now." Jacob patted the bed next to him lazily, eyes hooded, face calm.

I hesitated for a moment, but only a moment. I was so unbearably tired and I couldn't stand the thought of leaving him now. Not when I'd waited so long to get to see him. I climbed onto the bed and into his arms, nestling my head under his chin.

We lay like that for a little while, Jacob's hand running lightly, raggedly up and down my arm. His breath caught a couple of times, his shoulder twitched under me.

"I'm not hurting you am I?" I asked anxiously.

He chuckled, twisted his head around gingerly and kissed my hair. "No. This is perfect."

"Yeah," I mumbled against him.

It wasn't long before his breathing became deep and even.

When I was sure he was asleep I turned my face a little, and gently, briefly, pressed my lips to the warm bare skin of his chest.

Then I was falling asleep too.


	5. Chapter 5

I spent most of the next week at La Push, driving over every day after school and only coming back in time to make a hurried, rather uninspired dinner for Charlie.

The story was simple and as close to the truth as possible: Jacob had had an unfortunate accident while cliff-diving, but he was doing fine and would be all healed and good-as-new in no time.

Of course, neither Jake nor I mentioned to Charlie that I had been cliff-diving with him. That wouldn't have gone down too well.

As it was, Charlie asked very few questions, seemed to accept the story at face value. I think this was mostly due to the fact that it had Sam Uley's seal of approval. Ever since he'd found me in the woods the night that Edward left and brought me safely home, that boy could do no wrong in Charlie's eyes.

My attitude to Sam was a little more complex.

There was still a lingering, and, I had to admit, unjustified resentment toward him over Jacob's transformation, but it seemed like lately, my anger had found a new, less personal, but marginally fairer cause.

Leah Clearwater and her sad eyes, that were darker and different but _just like mine._

After school on Thursday, I drove straight to see Jake as usual, but spent most of my time in the kitchen. I found myself making two casseroles, one for Billy and Jake, and one, I suppose, as a kind of a prop.

It was a quarter to five when I rang the Clearwaters' doorbell.

Leah opened the door and stared at the covered saucepan in my hands, a puzzled expression on her face.

I smiled. "Hey Leah, I was making dinner at the Blacks and I made some extra so..." I held the pan out to her.

Leah's brow furrowed, like that had only confused her more. "My mom can cook, you know."

I blushed, suddenly feeling silly and excruciatingly uncool.

I started to walk away but Leah sighed, smiled fairly pleasantly and invited me in. She took the casserole and got us some juice and we sat out in the backyard and drank it. She chain-smoked, no doubt taking advantage of the fact that her parents were out.

"So why are you actually here, Bella?" She grinned slightly evilly at me. "Do you think we should be BFFs because you got dumped too?"

I flinched. "God. Leah, has anyone ever told you you're really not very..." I searched for the right word "... nice?"

She chuckled darkly. "Quite a number of times actually." But then her expression softened. "I'm sorry. I really am sorry Cullen left you. Even if he is a vamp and we're supposed to want them all dead blah blah." She rolled her eyes, but then, perhaps in response to the pain I knew must be showing on my face, she said, "Well hey, at least you have someone."

"Have someone?" I tried - failed - to look truly bewildered.

She just raised an eyebrow at me, lit another cigarette.

I shook my head pointlessly. "You could... have someone too," I said weakly.

Leah chuckled again. "Not like that I couldn't, Bella Swan." The way she said my name was strange. Half affection, half sneer. "I'm pretty sure only the little porcelain doll girls who come around to people's houses with casseroles get worshipped like that."

I looked down.

Jacob _worshipped_ me? Was that how it looked to people? I remembered when he had called me his 'girl version of the pope', tried not to blush, realized I was smiling to myself instead.

I changed the subject quickly. "So did you apply to many colleges?" It was early May and the SATs loomed. Leah was a year older than me, but for one reason or another she must have ended up starting school late, because she was in her senior year, like me.

She took a long drag on her cigarette. "Just the Community College."

I nodded. "I applied to a few places, but I'll probably go there too. If I go anywhere. I might just... not go to college. For a while."

"Right," Leah said, but she was suddenly far away. "I was going to go to Stanford," she said wistfully. Then she grimaced, seemed sort of disgusted at herself. "That was the dream anyway."

"You didn't apply?" I asked.

She shook her head. "The whole mess with Sam and Emily last year screwed with my concentration a bit. My academic record kind of went to shit real quick."

I thought for a moment. "Well you should still apply anyway. Maybe explain your circumstances. You never know."

Leah snorted. "It's well past the cut-off date, even for late applications. Anyway 'My boyfriend dumped me' isn't generally a very useful excuse. And if I mentioned anything about werewolves and mystical tribal bonds... yeah, I think they'd be putting a lovely big black mark next to my name before they finished the sentence."

I bit my lip. "There must be a way though. It's not like you have to give up," I insisted, wondering at the same time why I cared so much about Leah Clearwater's college education. "Maybe you could ace your first year at the CC and apply to Stanford then?"

She shrugged, a confusing mix of bitter and nonchalant. "Apparently everything is destiny and predetermination for us Quileute types. Why bother trying to make things happen? I think I'll just go with the flow."

My chest constricted. It was disconcerting how much her words troubled me. It was unsettling. And then suddenly I knew. Suddenly I was struck with the knowledge that I wanted to help. I wanted to try and _fix_ Leah.

Without thinking, I said, "Let's do something. Something fun. Right now."

Leah shot me a sidelong glance. "What the hell is fun around here?"

I stood up, jumped up really. "Come on, we're going to Port Angeles. We're going to buy stuff. And eat stuff. It'll be great."

Leah was silent for a moment, still sitting, looking up at me doubtfully. Then she stood up slowly, brushing the grass off her pants as she did. "Great? You _promise_?" she asked.

I grinned, pulled out my cell phone to call Charlie and tell him he was going to have to order pizza for himself.

"Cross my heart."

-----

Port Angeles wasn't exactly great and Leah berated me comically for "lying" to her.

Somehow we'd both managed to overlook the fact that by the time we got there, all the shops would be closed. All we did was sit on the edge of the fountain in the main square, eating fries and freezing our asses off, cursing the fact that the air never really warmed up around here until late June.

Port Angeles wasn't exactly great. At the same time, it was _something._

We talked for a long time. Leah became less and less prickly as the minutes turned into an hour and an hour turned into two. It was like the subtle exercise of talking and occasionally laughing was warming her up, literally, figuratively, thawing her out in spite of the cold.

She told me how she'd been to see a fortune teller in a building just off this square when she was fifteen, partly a result of a dare, partly because she used to believe in that crap. She'd told her she would marry a man whose name began with 'S' and live happily ever after.

Leah chuckled. "Shitty fortune teller, huh?"

I smiled sadly. "Who knows? Maybe you'll meet a Steve. Or a Seamus. Go to Ireland, they have lots of them there."

-----

On Saturday night there was a sort of a party at First Beach to celebrate Jake's recovery - the whole pack and miscellaneous family members gathered around a bonfire, consuming stupid amounts of food.

The whole pack except Embry that is. Apparently since our emergency had forced him to stand Erin up at the dance last Saturday, this Saturday it was date night. Quil had relayed the story to us, making a digging motion and laughing as he said, "Deeper and deeper".

Quil wasn't here as a hanger-on anymore. He'd started phasing early in the week and the party was really as much an initiation for him as it was a celebration for Jake. He was shockingly happy about being a werewolf. I remembered how bereft, how miserable he had been that day when I'd picked him up in La Push after Jacob had changed and I realized he was probably just relieved not to be so lonely anymore.

I looked around for Leah and when I saw that she wasn't there, I asked Mrs. Clearwater if she was coming down. She just looked at me worriedly, thanked me profusely for the casserole and mumbled something about Leah not feeling too well.

Not feeling too well, right.

I glanced over at Sam and Emily, sitting on the other side of the fire, hands at each other's faces, sharing secret smiles. The tenderness between them was almost unbearable for _me_ to witness. I couldn't imagine how painful it would be for Leah.

At least I was spared that. At least I didn't have to gaze adoringly at Edward day after day, while he gazed adoringly at somebody else.

Next to Sam and Emily were Paul, Jared and an unidentified female. She had a pleasant, round face, long brown hair and a shy smile.

I nudged Jacob. "Who's that?"

He followed my eyes over to the other side of the bonfire. "That's Kim," He said simply. "Jared imprinted on her."

My eyes widened. "You know about imprinting?"

He blinked, as though my surprise surprised him in turn. "Sure, Harry and Billy tell us a lot of stuff. It's sort of like Sunday school for werewolves." He chuckled and took a sip of his coke. "Not sure I believe in it though."

"Believe in it?" I was puzzled. "How can you not believe in it when you've seen it happen twice?"

"Oh I don't mean _believe_ believe. Just... " He shrugged. "Not sure I approve of it."

"Well... that's kind of beside the point isn't it?" I asked in a small voice. "I mean, whether you like it or not it could still happen."

"It could happen," he conceded, but then he turned to me and smiled softly, reached out and took my hand in his. "But it won't."

I looked down. My face felt hot. Jacob held my hand all the time, but right now it felt too significant and almost painful. I was slightly worried I might cry. "You can't know that," I muttered.

I could still feel his eyes on my face. "And yet, I do."

He stood up, pulling me up with him and smiled my favorite smile. "Come on, I can't let you be anti-social _all_ the time. I'll introduce you to Kim."

-----

Kim was a sweet girl, but the shy smile had certainly not been false advertising. After we'd exchanged initial pleasantries, it was nearly impossible to get a word out of her, unless it was to stammer how "nice" and "awesome" everything was.

And I'd thought I was bad with meeting new people.

Jared and Paul were considerably more talkative though and it was nice to finally get to know them a little better. Both of them had been protecting me for weeks, but we'd never really spoken in that time.

Jared was halfway through a joke about Catholic nuns and a Tibetan sherpa, when a wave of panic rippled through our small crowd.

I peered out into the darkness of the dunes where everybody else's eyes were focused.

Half silhouetted, half lit by the moon was a huge grey wolf.

In the second before it lunged toward the bonfire I found myself thinking, _Huge, yes, but smaller than the others I'm sure._


	6. Chapter 6

Before the wolf had lunged, the stillness had been unnatural. It had been like the wind had stopped, the crashing of the waves had been put on mute.

_The calm before the storm._

The grey wolf had stared into the crowd, into the fire.

We had all stared back.

Now there was only chaos.

Jacob had grabbed me, was pulling me away from the bonfire, running through the sand and dragging me with him. I looked back but I couldn't see. He was moving too fast and my vision jerked disorientingly, like footage from a hand held camera.

In the split second before Jacob had reacted, I could have sworn that the wolf was heading for Emily.

But I could just barely make out that she had run to the right and the wolf's course had stayed the same.

It had run straight for Sam, menacing growls quaking hypnotically through the air.

By the time Jacob stopped running, pulled me to him and turned around, letting me look again, they were both gone. And I could see one other wolf - Jared I think - heading in the direction of the forest.

Quil was running toward us, looking equal parts freaked out and elated. "Jake, what do we do, man?" he asked when he reached us.

Jacob became very calm all of a sudden, looked toward Paul who was still at the bonfire, their eyes meeting across the long distance. I could feel a strange kind of understanding passing between them as Jacob's breathing slowed.

"Nothing. We wait. Stay here in case it comes back." He looked over at Quil. "You don't phase. Under any circumstances. It's still too dangerous with this many people around."

Quil sighed. "Right."

We were walking back toward the bonfire when Jacob grabbed me again, shoving me behind him so roughly I almost fell down.

"Shit." he said. _"Shit!"_

Before I could ask what was going on, he was the wolf and he was moving at lightening speed across First Beach.

Quil was pulling at my arm, quickly gave up on that and picked me up, ran with me to the bonfire.

But not before I had seen it.

Dark and dripping, emerging from the water. A horrific lop-sided shape silhouetted on the horizon.

A shadowy puzzle missing certain key pieces.

_Victoria._

-----

Jake and Paul were gone. They had cornered her, forced her toward the forest.

I screamed at Quil to go after them, to phase and go with them and _do something._

He shook his head, though I could see he ached to follow. "Jake said under no circumstances."

"Who cares?!" I squeaked, my voice raw and tinny. "He's not the alpha!"

Quil sighed. "I think he sort of is. When Sam's not there."

-----

Seconds ticked by, made up minutes. Minutes were threatening to become an hour.

_This cannot be happening, this cannot be happening, not again. Not again. Not so_ soon.

I realized I was saying it out loud, entertaining everybody around the still-bright bonfire with my hysteria.

Harry Clearwater put a hand on my shoulder. "It'll be fine."

He said it to everyone, not just me.

"Two against one and she's missing an arm." He chuckled. "Like shooting fish in a barrel."

I shook my head and drew in a ragged breath, wishing I could be so confident.

"But then why would she come here again so soon? Why wouldn't she wait until..."

"Until what?" Harry asked. "She's not going to get any worse or better. The injuries won't slow her down like they would a human, but she won't grow a new arm either." He shrugged. "With two of the wolves out of the way this was probably her best shot."

_Her best shot her best shot her best shot -_

-----

When I caught sight of Jacob at the shore, human and alive, I ran.

It seemed like forever before I reached him, and when I did I literally threw myself at him, grabbing onto his shoulders as his hands reflexively caught my waist, securing me against his body. I hugged him like that, feeling his chest rumble slightly against mine as he chuckled, lowered me slowly back down to the ground.

And then I kissed him.

Before I had time to think, before I had time to feel terrified or even fully realize what I was doing I was kissing Jacob. And not uncertainly, sweetly or softly, not anything like the first time he had kissed me. I was practically attacking him, letting my mouth open and close roughly around his, pushing into him while I pulled frantically at his shoulders.

Just as abruptly as I had kissed him, I pulled away, breathless. "Did you get her? Is she dead?"

Jacob was staring at me, his face blank, his eyes bright. He shook his head, but it didn't mean no. "Yeah we got her. It's over."

His arms were still tight around me and we stood like that for a moment, staring at each other. Then I suddenly found myself reaching up on tip-toes and kissing him again, just as forcefully as I had before.

This time was different though. It was _more._ Jacob's aggression began to match my own and I could feel his large hands moving over my back, his tongue curling hotly around mine.

It could have been a long time before I pulled away, I didn't know. I ran my trembling hands down his heavily veined arms, down to his wrists. He took them in his.

That was when I noticed.

"You're... wearing a towel. A small piece of towel."

He chuckled. "It was all I could find before you jumped me!" He let go of my hands and set off toward the bonfire. "Wait here."

I waited.

I didn't turn around, just stared out at the water, as the consequences of my impulsive actions finally began to sink in.

I was starting to feel it now, the uncertainty, the fear even, starting to wonder what the hell I had just done and why the hell I had just done it, what the hell I was going to do about it now.

But the building panic was unceremoniously shattered when Jacob spun me around, leaving me only enough time to half-gasp in shock before his mouth covered mine again and he pulled me tight against his body.

There was nothing. Nothing but his soft lips and the earthy smell of him as he loomed over me, nothing but his hot hands at the small of my back and the flames licking in the pit of my stomach.

Again, time was completely unreadable. I had no idea how long it was before he pulled away, whispered shakily "Bella..."

I whispered back, "Jake," and it was surprisingly firm and clear.

His smile at that was broad and too beautiful, too much _mine._ He leaned down and kissed me quickly one more time, then he pulled away, taking my hand, obviously intending to take me back to the bonfire.

"No!" I protested.

"What?" he asked, seeming amused.

I didn't let him turn me around, stared resolutely out at the sea.

"Are they all looking at us?" I asked timidly.

Jake glanced over his shoulder, grinned. "Pretty much. I think we shocked them more than the wolf and the leech combined." He laughed to himself. "But hey, at least I'm clothed now," he gestured to the black track pants he was now wearing.

I rolled my eyes. "As clothed as you ever are." Then I brought my other hand to the one he was holding, placed it hesitantly over his. "Can we just... stay right here? For a little while?"

He laughed softly at me. "Oh you are such a girl." He twirled a finger absently around a lock of my hair, then let it fall away. "Okay, but you'll have to wait here again while I go tell everyone we're leech-free."

He was walking away when I called after him, just barely turning around. "Jake, wait a second. Who was that? The wolf?"

He walked back to me, a kind of a grimace on his face. "I dunno. Seth Clearwater has been running a temperature on and off for weeks, but he's still a kid." He shook his head. "And anyway he was here with us all the time, so..." He broke off and he seemed to be concentrating hard on something.

"When I first phased to go after the bloodsucker, I heard thoughts... but they were totally messed up. I couldn't understand anything." His face crumpled in confusion. "Then when Paul and I finished there, we were going to go help Sam, but he just told us to stay away, he had it under control."

I nodded. "I guess he didn't need Jared either, since he ended up sending him back to the beach."

Jake started to walk away again, but I put my hand on his arm, delaying him again. Something was bothering me in what he had just said, but I couldn't quite pinpoint...

"Jake!" A jolt of anxiety shot through me. "Where is Paul? He's ok right?"

"Sure, sure." Jake smirked. "He just kind of wanted to get some clothes."

"And you didn't? Typical."

"I just thought you might be worried about me." He grinned down at me and it was sort of adorably triumphant. "Turns out I was right."

I looked down, trying not to blush.

Then I heard someone - Harry Clearwater I think - call out "Everything okay, Jacob?"

"Yeah," Jake yelled back, before sprinting to the bonfire.

-----

By the time Jacob found me again, I had wandered off quite a lot further down the beach toward the rocks.

"Hey!" he called as he caught up with me. "You running away from me?" His tone was light, but not completely free of apprehension.

I laughed. "No, what would be the point?" I ducked my head and smiled up at him. "You'd only catch me."

His answering smile was slow. "You're right about that," he said, wrapping an arm around my waist and dragging me to him.

The kiss was warm, fluid, endless.

And yet it did end.

Jacob sighed against my cheek, pulled away to look down at me, his expression soft, his eyes achingly vulnerable.

"Bells... " He hesitated. "This does mean what I think it means... doesn't it?" He reached one hand up to stroke my face, left the other at my waist.

I smiled nervously, looked down at the sand, then back up at him. "What do you think it means?"

He blinked, made a short sharp sound that was close to laughter.

"Um... I don't know. I guess..." He trailed off, staring into my eyes, while his narrowed in thought. Then he leaned down again and pressed his lips to mine. "I guess that I get to keep doing this," he said, before kissing me again, "for a bit longer at least."

His mouth brushed mine, once, twice, three times, moved to my cheek, my jaw, before he whispered in my ear "That you _want_ me to keep doing this..." He brought his lips back to mine. "For a bit longer at least."

I felt my breath catch in my throat as his hot fingers slipped just slightly under my shirt, brushing the bare skin at my back. "Sure, that's what it means," I mumbled against him. "That's exactly - " He kissed me again " - what it means."


	7. Chapter 7

I didn't go to La Push to see Jacob the next day, or on Monday.

But it had nothing to do with the kisses on Saturday night and everything to do with the sudden realization that the SATs were here, not to mention finals, and I had been neglecting my studies for weeks.

I called him Sunday night, but even after I'd babbled on for what was probably an embarrassingly long time about how much work I had to do and how sorry I was I couldn't make it down, I still worried he would think I was just trying to avoid him and feel rejected.

He didn't.

_He_ actually came to Forks to see _me_ on Monday and brought around dinner so I didn't have to worry about cooking.

I didn't have the heart to tell him that I'd already thought ahead, made and frozen enough lasagna and casseroles to last all week. That night Charlie and I ate Jacob's worryingly taste-free chicken and rice. Charlie grumbled but I held firm. He would eat the damn stuff and be happy about it.

It was odd. Jake had only stayed for a few minutes when he had dropped the food off and he had been unusually shy during that time. He was like a different person from Saturday night, when he had been wild-eyed and charged from the exhilaration of the fight with Victoria. He was more like a kid again now. More like sixteen and a half year old Jacob Black, despite the unnaturally muscled and developed body.

He hadn't even tried to kiss me when he had left and now I found myself wondering whether the whole thing was just going to blow over.

And I found myself wondering how I felt about that possibility.

-----

On the Tuesday, Jacob called me to tell me that Sam had finally revealed the identity of the new pack member and it was none other than Leah Clearwater. He also told me that her father Harry had collapsed on being told the news, and was now in hospital, suffering the aftermath of what, it was suspected, had been a heart attack.

Charlie was on call waiting, telling me the same thing - minus the part about Leah being a werewolf of course. He said he was going straight to the hospital from work. I fumbled with the keypad on the phone, in a hurry to get back to my conversation with Jacob.

"Jake? That was Charlie, he's on his way to the hospital. I'm going to have to hang up now." I hesitated. "I have to go see Leah."

Silence.

For a second I thought he might have hung up when I had taken Charlie's call.

"Jake?"

I heard him let out a heavy breath into the receiver.

"Bella that probably isn't the best idea. She's kind of volatile right now."

I was silent for almost as long as he had been.

"I can't... I can't not go. We kind of... we're kind of friends. Do you have any idea how much pain she was already in before all of this?"

Jacob groaned. "I know Bella, but-"

"I can't just let her be alone right now!" I interrupted him, still anxious to get off the phone.

I did wonder for a second why I was being so rash, so completely dismissive of Jacob's warning. I suppose it was because I knew, I just _knew_ that Leah wouldn't hurt me. And she was hurting so much herself. I couldn't bear the thought of her being alone.

"But see she's not alone," Jake insisted, "She has her mom and Seth."

I considered this, but then I felt my eyes narrow. "So she's at the hospital with them?"

"Um... yeah I guess."

"Jacob?" I asked, my voice sharp.

"Mmm?" he mumbled in reply.

"Why would she be at the hospital with them if she's so dangerous?"

I could hear Jake sigh on the other end of the phone. "Okay she's probably at home. But it's not safe for you to be around her Bella."

"It's not safe for me to be around any of you!"

"Oh that's really not - "

I interrupted again, finishing for him. "It's not fair, I know. I'm sorry, it's just..."

Jacob sighed again. "Look, swing by my place first and I'll come with you. At least that way you'll be protected if she phases."

-----

On the way to the Clearwaters' I quizzed Jacob about the situation. I couldn't understand the intensity of Harry's reaction to Leah being a werewolf.

"I mean, he knows all about this stuff. He's always known. He had to know there was a possibility it would happen."

Jacob shook his head. "Actually no, that's the thing. Harry knew Seth would probably start phasing sometime, but Leah... It doesn't happen to women. Or it's not supposed to."

I frowned, feeling almost indignant. "Why not?"

Jake shrugged. "Nobody knows _why._ It just doesn't happen." He amended that. "Or it didn't."

"Wow," I said, thinking how weird it would be for Leah, being the only girl in a pack of teenage boys.

Jacob was thinking something similar. "I know it's selfish to think about this right now, but it's going to be really weird for Sam." He groaned. "It's going to be weird for all of us."

I glared over at him. "Because she's a girl?"

He rolled his eyes. "No, Bells. Because she's Leah. And Sam's Sam." He shook his head. "It's going to be a mess."

-----

Leah was on the couch in the living room. Her expression was dead and she wouldn't move, wouldn't talk, wouldn't even look at either of us.

She let me sit beside her and rub her back though. That's what I was doing when the phone rang. Jake answered it. I stayed where I was.

I knew it wasn't good when he asked me to move to the other side of the room.

He took Leah's hands in his and knelt in front of her.

"Harry's dead, Leah." He said it quietly, firmly.

Leah's eyes snapped to his and she started shaking uncontrollably.

I melted into the wall, knowing what was happening.

Jacob struggled to keep hold of her hands, ordered her to look in his eyes. After a few minutes the shaking subsided and was replaced with hideous, heart-wrenching sobs. I started to move toward her again, but Jacob held up a hand, motioning for me to wait.

It was amazing how different he was when he was dealing with pack issues. He seemed older, wiser, impossibly strong in body and in mind.

Sam Uley burst through the front door without knocking and Leah's sobs took on a new intensity when she saw him.

He stared at her, sitting on the couch, tears streaming down her cheeks, her hands still in Jake's.

"I just heard," he said simply.

Then he walked to her, pulled her up off the couch and into his arms, cradling her to his chest. "I'm so sorry... Leah, I'm so sorry." He said it over and over, kissed the top of her head while she cried.

It was a good five minutes before I noticed Emily in the doorway, looking over at them, her expression unreadable. I walked out to join her on the porch and she smiled at me, one corner of her mouth still twisting downward a little. Before I could say anything, Sam stepped outside too, took Emily's hand in his and asked if she was okay.

She nodded, gave him the same slightly gruesome yet beatific smile she had given me.

Sam sighed, closed his eyes for a second. "I'm going to take her out. Running. Try and exhaust her so she doesn't feel it so badly. So she won't phase later."

Emily nodded, her expression unchanged.

"I'm sorry," Sam said softly and I could hear the guilt in it.

But smiling Emily took his other hand, rubbed the back of it with her thumb and said "It's okay. I understand. You have a place in her life again now. And I'm actually..." she broke off "... I'm glad."

The sincerity of it blew me away.

-----

I cut the truck's engine outside Jacob's house. It was late.

He didn't get out right away and I wasn't sure what to make of that.

"Jake, I..."

He shook his head, anticipating my choice of subject. "Bella, we don't need to talk about that now."

I bit my lip. "I just feel like you..."

"Bells, really, let's just leave it," he insisted. "Billy will be home from the hospital by now and he'll be pretty cut up."

I sighed heavily. "Yeah, Charlie too."

He smiled sadly over at me, his eyes on mine for a long moment.

"Night."

"Night," I echoed.

He slammed the door shut and I started the engine up again.

But before I could take off, he opened the door and leaned into the truck.

"Um, okay, I still don't think we need to have the talk right now, but..." His eyes were downcast and his cheeks seemed almost redder than usual. "Can I just kiss you?" he asked, rather abruptly.

I was speechless for too long and he grinned sheepishly, wiped his hand over his eyes. "Oh man." He pulled himself back out of the truck, mumbled "I'm gonna go."

I laughed without really knowing why. I cut the engine.

"Wait!" I called, opening my truck door and running round to the other side to meet him.

I took his hand in mine and looked up at him, smiling mostly in amusement at how uncomfortable he seemed.

He stared down at me, ridiculously nervous, total deer in the headlights.

And he still didn't do _anything._

I laughed again and it was barely audible. "Am I actually going to have to answer your question?"

Jake's eyes flickered toward the house. A light was on. "I guess not."

He looked back at me, put his free hand on my face and leaned down, pausing again for a fraction of a second before his lips met mine.

-----

At lunch the next day, I sat with Jessica, Angela and Lauren. Apparently the guys were off outside somewhere, kicking a ball around.

In an all-girl environment, conversations sort of seem to tunnel their way to one destination and one destination only. Boys.

Jessica brightly suggested that since I was now seeming to come out of my "psycho depressive funk" I really should start dating again.

Angela saw the panic in my eyes and tried to draw the unwanted attention onto herself, but Jessica just giggled and announced that she was boring and should just marry Ben already and get it over with.

"I'm boring too," I protested weakly.

Lauren snickered into her fruit cup.

When Jessica started listing names and threatening to negotiate dinner and a movie for me, I snapped. "Look, Jess, I might be kind of seeing someone already."

Her eyes widened and of course she immediately asked me who. I wouldn't tell her, but I was aware that it wouldn't exactly be difficult for her to figure it out. I had been spending all my time at La Push for months.

Lauren's eyes flashed wickedly at me. "Not still panting over Edward Cullen, then?"

I drew in a sharp breath and stood up too quickly, almost knocking my chair over. That level of bitch was unexpected, even from her.

"I have to go... study," I mumbled, willing myself not to start crying until I was a safe distance away.

Angela met my eyes with her gentle, concerned ones as I walked away.

-----

I took refuge in the library, skipped my afternoon classes and holed up with books and articles, trying to get the final assignments I had due (some over-due) in order.

I was starting to make good progress with history when Mike Newton walked by my desk.

"Hey Bella," he said with a friendly smile. "You haven't been in to work in forever."

I sighed, feeling guilty for abandoning my post. "Hey Mike. Look I'm really sorry about that, I've just been kind of swamped with - "

He waved a hand. "No, no. Business has been slow lately and it's not like my mom has been calling you and asking you to come in anyway."

I smiled. "Well tell her once I'm done with the SATs and finals, I'm all hers. If she needs me."

Mike nodded, then frowned. "It's not just work though, you know. I've barely seen you anywhere." His eyes narrowed in mock-suspicion. "Are you even coming to school?"

I laughed. "Yes, I just spend most of my life in here, cramming and rushing through overdue assignments. Every minute I'm not in class basically." I added in a conspiratorial whisper, "And some minutes when I should be."

He grinned. "It's that time of year, I guess."

"Yeah," I agreed, pulling the cap on and off of my biro compulsively.

There was a slightly awkward pause before Mike asked "So what's new?"

"Um," I thought for a moment. "Nothing really."

He spoke again before I could ask him the same question. "Nothing? I heard you and Jacob Black are officially dating now."

I looked down quickly, feeling the ghost of a blush on my face, mumbled "Sort of."

"Sort of?" he asked and I could hear the amusement in his voice.

This line of questioning was not fun and when I changed the subject, the segue-way was not smooth. "So how about this history paper huh? Big stuff."

He raised an eyebrow, picked up one of the books from the impressive pile on the desk. "You chose the cold war?"

I cocked my head to one side. "Um well, I'm not really 100% decided yet."

Mike shook his head, smiled knowingly down at me.

"Of course not."


	8. Chapter 8

The SATs came and went in a flash, but finals seemed to drag forever.

They were almost a welcome diversion though; for a few more weeks I had a legitimate reason why I couldn't spend a lot of time with Jake. This was a good thing only because when he wasn't around I was far too busy to think about him, about what I was getting myself into with all the kisses, and in the small amounts of time that he was around, I was usually so tired that I just let my brain switch off and basked in the comfort of his attention.

In the end, the stress of finishing high-school? Sort of relaxing for me.

Nevertheless the thought of Leah's pain lingered in the back of my mind all the time. I wondered if she was studying like me, or if she was too broken up to even take finals. I had called and left a message inviting her over to cram with me, but I hadn't gotten a reply.

I worried even more when Jake told me things were exactly as he had predicted in terms of the pack post-Leah, only worse; a mess, but messier. Apparently she was having a lot of difficulty containing her bitterness when she phased and one by one the guys were actually starting to hate her.

"Not you though, right?" I asked, a note of pleading in my voice.

We were sitting on the couch in a sea of papers and books.

Jake groaned. "No. I guess not. But only because I saw her when she..." He trailed off. "I understand that she's in pain, I really do. I mean there was the whole thing with Sam and Emily and then phasing and then... losing a parent is..." He shook his head and I stretched out and took his hand in mine. "But she's really not helping anything by playing wicked witch of the east with her thoughts."

I pulled myself up from my slumped position and tugged on his arm with my other hand. "Don't let them give up on her Jake, okay? Please?"

He sighed, chuckled a little. "They can't really. It's not like Sam can revoke her membership."

"She just needs some time," I insisted. "When I get through with all this school stuff, I'm going to help her. She'll be better, you'll see."

Jake smiled over at me, ruffled my already less-than-tame hair. "What are you, a shrink now?"

I grimaced. "Considering I'm in danger of failing my psych final, I don't think so."

He snorted. "You won't fail. You don't fail."

"I don't?" I cocked my head to one side, considering this new information.

"Nope," Jake said simply.

I giggled.

"Good to know."

-----

After graduation things inevitably progressed. I had no more excuses. And sometime around midday on the first full day I spent in La Push, I began to wonder why I had ever really wanted any.

Jacob had insisted we go to the beach - and properly. Which is to say with obscenely colorful towels, actual swimsuits and the obligatory SPF 30+ for my embarrassingly pale skin.

When Jake had expressed disappointment that I had applied the sunscreen myself before coming over, I had smacked at him, telling him not to be such a perve or I'd spend the whole day in my shorts and tee-shirt.

He had just grinned at me. "I'll be good."

When we got to the First Beach, I pulled off my shorts and shirt, stripping down to my extremely uninspired - and doubtless uninspiring - black one-piece bathing suit, shooting threatening looks at Jacob as I did so. Then I spread out my towel on the sand and settled down, grateful that the area was as deserted as usual. It was bad enough being semi-naked in front of Jacob, I didn't need a crowd.

Jake rolled his eyes.

"Oh come on, Bells, you have to actually swim. That's the point."

I looked out at the water and screwed up my face.

Jake laughed at my expression, leaned down, took my hand and pulled me up.

"It looks cold," I whined.

He chuckled and pulled me toward the shore, "It's July, Bella."

"Tell that to the weather," I grumbled. "You people call this sun?"

"What?" he asked indignantly. "This is great weather for Washington."

"Yes," I agreed, still pouting, "with 'for Washington' being the operative part of that sentence."

He chuckled again, "Oh, Bells, stop being such a girl."

I glared. "Sorry, I can't help it. It's kind of genetic."

I dipped my left foot in the water. "Cold," I complained.

"Pffft."

Jake was having none of that. He pulled me into the waves far too far, far too quickly. I squealed at the sudden icy blast of the water around me.

He dragged me to him and wrapped his arms around me. "Your personal hot water bottle remember? I'll keep you warm, just like last time." Something made the corners of his mouth twitch in a smirk. "Well..." he began.

But he didn't finish. He just dipped his head a little and kissed me.

I brought my hands up to his shoulders, let one trail down his thick, heavy upper arm, the other travel up to his neck, fingers curling in the shaggy hair that was starting to grow again.

When a low wave gently lifted us up, I instinctively wrapped my legs around his waist for balance and he laughed, breaking the kiss and tightening his arms around my back, holding me securely against him.

I turned my head away, trying not to blush.

His mouth moved quickly to my neck and I almost gasped at the shock of the heat on my skin. I felt my fingers grip his flesh a little tighter as he placed very wet open-mouthed kisses all the way down to my shoulder.

I spoke without stopping to think how shaky my voice would sound.

"You... You were thinking about... doing this the whole time last time... weren't you?"

I felt his lips curve in a smile against me. "Not the _whole_ time." He looked back up at me, his expression somewhere between humiliation and mirth. "Okay, the whole time."

I laughed softly, leaned in and kissed him again, my hands finding endless nonsensical pathways from his arms to his shoulders to the nape of his neck, while his pressed hotly into my back in the cold water.

"If I'm honest," I mumbled against his lips, "I sort of thought about it too."

He smiled broadly at that, totally unguarded, like he didn't mind letting me know how happy it made him.

Then he kissed his way over my chin, down my neck again, to my shoulder, the left one this time. My eyes fluttered shut.

They snapped open again when he abruptly pulled away.

He was wrinkling his nose at me.

"What?" I asked quickly, immediately feeling insecure, wondering what I did wrong.

"Sunscreen," he explained, smacking his lips together. "Tastes funny."

"Oh, my apologies," I drawled sarcastically, but his face was at my shoulder again before I got the words out.

"I think I can put up with it," he murmured into my skin.

As if to prove how much he didn't care, his tongue traced a long, burning unbroken line up to my ear.

"Next time... Next time I'll just get skin cancer, so you can..." I swallowed as his teeth grazed my earlobe. "So you can be more comfortable."

He chuckled and the sound was soft and rough at the same time. I swallowed again.

"Best girlfriend ever."

_Girlfriend._

I almost flinched at the word, managed to snort derisively instead, just as he kissed my cheek. "I was kidding, you idiot."

He pulled away just far enough to look into my eyes, a lazy smile dancing in his.

"Still best girlfriend ever."

-----

After that there was no denying that Jacob and I were a couple. We didn't announce it to anyone, but we didn't work at hiding it anymore either, and when you're dating someone as handsy as Jake, it doesn't take long for people to notice.

I was glad that school was over, so I didn't have to take crap from anyone for dating someone younger than me.

Charlie had always been embarrassingly supportive of my friendship with Jake, but now that it had officially become something more... well, he still liked him, obviously, but I guess all fathers are sort of wary of guys who kiss their daughters goodnight in front of them.

I had to assume that was why there was a new sense of propriety in our house. Suddenly there were rules and schedules and Charlie paid a lot more attention than he had previously to what time Jacob left, or what time I got back from La Push.

It wasn't all that easy to get to be alone together. We didn't have the luxury of disregarding the rules; sure, Jake could leap through my window in a second, but there was no way either of us was going to risk getting caught in my room in the middle of the night.

We didn't spend every minute together during the day either and though I often caught myself wishing I was with him, looking forward to the time when I would be, it wasn't unbearable to be away from him, it didn't half kill me like it always had with Edward.

_Edward._

I hated the fact that it still hurt like hell just to think his name. When I remembered his voice, I would still crave to hear it, hallucination or not. When I pictured his perfect marble-skinned face, the beauty and the agony of it would still knock the breath out of me. Whenever I thought of him, the hole in my chest would split open again, growing ever-wider for hours and hours before I could pull myself together.

But I found it easier, day by day, to avoid thinking about him in the first place. Most of the time anyway.

Distraction is key.

Jacob had always been a good distraction, but he was especially so now that it wasn't forbidden to touch him. Now that touching him, kissing him even, was very much allowed, expected even, blissfully _expected._

Then there was work. The Newtons had taken me at my word and called the day after graduation, wrangled a ridiculous amount of shifts out of me. They needed the extra help since Mike was going to be away in Europe for the summer. I was glad of the mindlessness of retail, though it got a little lonely without having Mike around on Saturdays like I used to.

And finally, there was Leah. This one was painful. If I'd thought she had been less than enthusiastic about bonding with me before, now it was far worse. She would never come to the phone when I called; the only way to get a few words out of her was to wait outside her house for her to come out on her own, scowl at me, light up a cigarette and sigh.

One day I showed up with a casserole and she rolled her eyes, but I almost got a smile.

I did manage to get out of her that she had taken finals, but it had been "shit". I also managed to get her to tell me she'd been accepted to the Community College, by confiding in her that I'd hidden my other acceptance letters from Charlie, so that he wouldn't kick up a fuss and want me to go somewhere else.

I couldn't get a thing out of her about Sam and the pack and how she felt about being a werewolf.

I didn't dare ask about Harry.


	9. Chapter 9

One day in August I went to Leah's place and her mom answered the door, said she wouldn't come downstairs because she had a migraine.

_A migraine, right._

I went round the side of the house and started throwing pebbles at her window. Of course I missed ninety percent of the time so it took a while to get her attention.

Finally the curtains parted, there was a squeaking sound as the window was pulled up and...

Seth Clearwater popped his head out, glared at me.

"Next window on the right," he called down crossly.

"Sorry," I muttered, shuffling along, picking up some more pebbles.

Seth had always been a sweet kid, but lately _everything_ pissed him off. Jake said it was probably because he was going to start phasing soon and his emotions were all out of whack. But I guess it could just as easily have been a good old fashioned case of Teenage Boy Syndrome.

Leah pushed her window up before any of my tiny missiles even hit the glass.

"What do you want, Bella?" she asked with a sigh.

"I want you to get dressed, get down here and come to the CC with me. Enrollments close today and it's already one o'clock. So hurry up."

She rolled her eyes. "Look, I probably don't even wanna - "

I interrupted her and my voice was sharp and threatening. It kind of reminded me of a particularly unpleasant fifth grade teacher I'd had back in Phoenix. "I won't take no for an answer, Leah."

She groaned. "God, Bella. Okay. Look, I'll come with you, but I'm not signing up for anything."

I kept my eyes firmly on her. "Just get down here."

-----

Leah talked more during the ride to the Community College than she had in weeks, but it was all geared toward convincing me that she shouldn't be going to college this year.

I had to stop her eventually.

"Leah? If I hear you say 'my werewolf duties' one more time, I'm going to scream." I shook my head. "All the others work or have school or whatever. You're no different, so don't give me this crap about not having time to live your life."

Leah was silent after that. But after a couple of minutes she spoke again, and there was an unmistakable note of reluctant admiration in her voice.

"Since when did you get so feisty?"

I smiled. "Not sure. It's been coming on for a while now."

My eyes were still on the road, but my peripheral vision caught a small answering smile from Leah.

"Well I'd say it was cool, but you really should be using your new-found powers for good not evil."

I snorted. "So wanting you spend some time somewhere other than your room or the woods is evil?"

She rested her cheek against the truck window. "Yes," she said softly.

-----

Leah grumbled the entire time she filled out her forms, but she _did_ fill them out, signed and dated at the bottom, stood in the queue with me again and lodged them with admin.

-----

My nineteenth birthday was kind of overshadowed by starting college, which was fine by me.

I had never looked forward to my birthday, but this year I was actively dreading it, terrified of the memories and feelings it might stir up. I was grateful that it fell on a day when I had a lot of classes, so I didn't have a whole lot of time to think about the fact that not only was I one year older, that it would soon be a year since I had last seen Edward, a year since his cold hands had caressed my face, a year since his topaz eyes had burned into mine and made me believe - against my better judgment - that love was forever.

I had a little meltdown first thing in the morning, pulled the mangled car radio out of my closet and cried over it, the masochist in me wishing I had the photos and the music instead.

-----

Jake was tinkering with the Rabbit again, and he had too many books this year to take the bike, so in the afternoon I picked him up from school. I regretted the offer as soon as I parked, feeling more than a little creepy while I waited for him, watching as a steady stream of ordinary sixteen year olds filed out of the dull grey building.

But I forgot about it - forgot about everything really - when Jake's huge frame slid out of the shadows and he smiled broadly, mumbling what was probably "_Happy Birthday, Bells_" before he pushed me up against the side of the truck and kissed me for far too long.

The wolf whistles bothered me before they bothered him. He finally pulled away grinning down at me.

"Let's get out of here."

-----

Once we were in the truck and on our way, Jake thanked me for the ride and promised that he would return the favor next week when the Rabbit was on the road again. I pointed out that my classes finished before his did, but in the end I agreed to stick around for a while sometime, so he could come visit me and check out the campus.

"There's not much to see though," I warned. "It's not like I even live on campus." I frowned. "I don't know if they even have dorms."

Jacob raised an eyebrow, leaned forward so I would notice. "Well either way it's too bad you decided to stick with Charlie for another year."

I rolled my eyes. "Hold your hormones."

He laughed. "Kidding, kidding. Mostly." He was smiling softly now. "I get that he needs you. I mean... I like that you're there for him." He coughed and it half covered the last words. "I love that about you."

I managed a nervous smile, shifted uncomfortably in my seat.

"So at this point, I really need to know where we're going or I'm just going to start driving in circles."

"We're going to Sam's place." I could hear the amusement in his voice. He knew how I was going to react.

I looked over at him, my lips pressed together in a straight line. "This had better not be a party, Jake."

He grinned. "Heaven forbid. Um, no, it's not. Well sort of. Not really."

"Jake, I swear to God, if this is - "

He cut me off with a chuckle, squeezed my shoulder. "It's okay, Bells, it's nothing. Emily just made a cake. And Embry wants to see you. Guess that cup of coffee worked like a charm, huh?"

"Oh for the love of - "

He was still laughing at me. "Lighten up, honey. He has a gift for you is all. Well it's from everyone, really."

"He does? They do?" I couldn't help but feel pleased and very surprised. "That's... I didn't expect that."

"Why not, they're your friends, aren't they?"

"Yeah, they are." A slow, unfamiliar smile spread across my face.

Jacob was quiet for a while. He seemed to be letting me enjoy the moment.

We were nearly at Sam's when he spoke again. "Remember, it's not a party. More of a gathering."

I shot him a wary look. "Hmm, semantics. I'm gonna be mad if there are streamers." I giggled to myself, remembering that dance Embry had been supposed to go to. "And I think Embry will be too."

-----

There were no streamers, thank God, but Emily had made an amazing spongey whipped cream concoction. Scratch that, she'd made four - there were a lot of mouths to feed.

I glared at Jake.

He shrugged. "Gathering."

I sipped lemonade, chatted a little with Kim, who told me my jeans were nice and the cake was awesome.

Embry somewhat reluctantly presented me with my gift from the pack, covering himself as he did so with, "Quil actually picked it out, so you can blame him if you know... it sucks."

It was a beautiful wrought iron candlestick. The dark metal twisted gracefully in one long unbroken undulating line up to a yellow jasmine-scented candle. Random, but very cool.

I smiled. "It doesn't suck, I love it."

When I was done gushing and going around the room giving everyone a hug, Emily told me in the softest of voices that Leah was outside and wanted to talk to me.

I thanked her, felt a little pang at the sadness in her eyes, before hurrying out onto the porch.

"Hey Bella," Leah smiled awkwardly. "I kind of don't wanna come in. Um, I was going to give you this after class today but you rushed off, and anyway... Happy Birthday."

She thrust a small gift-wrapped package at me.

"Leah, you didn't need to..." I smiled, took it from her. "Thanks."

"Your hair's always hanging in your face and my grandma used to say that's how you screw up your eyesight and anyway I figured... I dunno. " She shuffled her feet a little, while I struggled with the ridiculous amount of tape. Finally I got it open, pulled out a piece of deep red velvet fabric that I soon figured out was a sort of a headband.

"It's pretty, right?" Leah asked. "If you don't like it, you can just stick it in a drawer and I'll pretend not to notice when you never wear it."

I shook my head. "Why is everyone so worried I'm not going to like things? It's gorgeous, really. This is totally something I would wear if I had style and taste," I joked. "I'm going to put it on right now. Be my mirror?"

I slid the soft fabric over my forehead, fastened the tiny catch under my hair at the nape of my neck. And for those few seconds that I spent centering it and smoothing the areas where Leah pointed out bumps, I stared into her like she really was a mirror.

Her face was still tight, her eyes still held a world of pain, but they sparkled a little. She was alive, sort of happy inside her unhappiness. We both were.

I thanked her, hugged her goodbye, and she slipped away before anyone could notice she was there.

When I came back in, Jake laughed loudly. I made a face at him.

"Holy crap, I don't think I've seen this much of your face all year," he teased.

"Oh ha ha. I like it. Leah gave it to me."

Sam stood up quickly when I said that, sat down again straight away. "Leah gave you a gift?"

I smiled. "Yeah."

The entire pack was staring at me in surprise and confusion. I guess they really did think she was evil.

Emily just beamed.

"It's pretty."

-----

A couple of hours later I was back in the truck with Jake, and this time he was the one who wanted to know where we were going.

I sighed. "I should probably head home, start dinner."

"You're going to cook on your birthday?" he asked, incredulous.

"Well, Charlie and I still need to eat, just like any other Wednesday."

"Hmm." He was clearly unimpressed. "How about this. Let me cook for you guys tonight. You can lie on the couch and be slothful. And I'll give you a little bell that you can ring when you need the cushions adjusted or something."

I laughed. "Tempting, but no."

Jacob pouted exaggeratedly. "You don't trust me?"

That just made me laugh more. "I trust you with chicken and rice - "

_worryingly taste-free chicken and rice_

" - but that's as far as it goes." I grinned. "I tell you what, you can be my assistant. And we'll make something fun. Like pie. Pie is fun."

-----

When Charlie came home - with Billy in tow -, Jake was pulling our fabulous shepherd's pie out of the oven and I was making a green salad.

After the inevitable birthday greetings, the two of them headed into the living room, but not before sniffing the air appreciatively and asking how long dinner would be. Charlie had already given me my present that morning - well not so much given as told. He and Renee were going to go halves on a new laptop for school. I was pleased that all my whining about the prehistoric beast upstairs in my room had finally paid off.

Once they were gone, Jake leaned in to whisper in my ear, "Good thing they didn't come home five minutes earlier, huh?"

We had been, shall we say, taking a break. A break that had involved the kitchen table, lips, hands and Jacob's shirt somehow going missing for a few minutes.

I shushed him, suppressing a small smile.

-----

"Christmas paper, Jake?" I smirked. We were sitting out on the porch and Jake had given me my gift, which, judging by the familiar rectangular shape, was going to be a book.

He grimaced. "I kind of left the wrapping part till the last minute and that was all we had. Just open it already."

I tore the green and red paper away. It was a book alright, but not just any book: a gorgeous old leather-bound copy of _Daniel Deronda_, by George Eliot.

"Wow," I said, quickly flipping through the gilt-edged pages, stopping to admire a couple of the color plates. I looked back up at Jake. "This is amazing, how did you afford something like this?"

"Odd jobs, mostly fixing things. Worked on a couple of cars." He grinned. "I don't just sit there and wait for you when you're not around you know."

I stared at him for a moment before turning my attention back to my gift.

"Wow. Daniel Deronda."

"So you don't have it or anything? I was kind of buying blind, but the old guy in the shop said it's brilliant and I figured, he's old, he owns a creepy little antique bookstore, he'd know."

I frowned. "There's a creepy little bookstore in Port Angeles that I don't know about?"

He shook his head. "Sadly no. Seattle. I took a gift-hunting trip up there a couple of weekends ago."

"You did?" I reached out and squeezed his hand.

He smiled softly. "Sure, it's not that far. Anyway, not to nag, but you don't have it, right? Cos I can - "

"No!" I replied quickly. "Not even a scummy old dog-eared paperback. I've never even read any Eliot. It's perfect, thank you so much."

Jacob's smile broadened. "Okay hand it over then." He reached out and grabbed the book.

"What!" I exclaimed. "What part of perfect - "

"Just a sec, Bells." He held up his left hand, pulled a pen out of his pocket and flipped to the front page.

I watched while he wrote.

_To Bella, love always, Jake._


	10. Chapter 10

"You're lucky, Bella. Jake's a good guy."

We were taking a coffee break on campus. I was mid-sip when Leah said that, and I nearly spat hot liquid all over the table.

"What happened to 'Don't date Quileute men'?"

She laughed but it was laced with hurt. "Well, you're lucky for now."

"Thank you," I joked. "That's more like it." But I couldn't help but feel a little chill crawl up my spine, leaned forward and wrapped my hands around my warm coffee cup.

"He sticks up for me with the others sometimes." Leah smirked at me. "Which you would know, of course, seeing as how you put him up to it."

I smiled weakly. "Sorry?"

She laughed again, the same happy-sad sound.

"No, it's nice. I mean, it's embarrassing because I really don't deserve it and everybody knows it's just because of you, but... It beats being uniformally hated."

I gripped my cup, tried to think what to say. This was an opening, and those were few and far between with Leah.

"What do you do, Leah? What bothers them so much?"

She twirled the plastic spoon around in her coffee. "I don't _do_ anything exactly. I guess I just... I think things." She looked up at me guiltily. "I'm not a horrible person, Bella, you know that right?"

"I know," I said quietly. Then I pointed to the velvet band in my hair. "Anyone who gives me pretty things is alright by me."

She smiled, looked back into her cup and sighed.

"At the start it was really hard because... Well, there are lots of reasons. Mostly Sam and..." She pressed her lips together and swallowed thickly, didn't finish that sentence for at least thirty seconds. "And Dad." She quickly picked up her coffee and took a big gulp before continuing.

"So the problem was that I didn't want them to hear me, when we were out running. I especially didn't want Sam to hear me, because the things I was thinking... they were private, you know? Really, really private."

I nodded even though she wasn't looking at me. I had always been grateful for my unique immunity to Edward's telepathic abilities. I couldn't imagine how awful it would be to be around six people with a free all-access pass into my head.

"Anyway they were all _looking_, or listening is more accurate, I guess because I was new. And it seemed like the only way to stop that was to get them before they could get me. Think horrible things so that they'd all do their best to tune me out."

She started twirling the spoon again.

"And they do now. They tune me out for the most part and I don't have to be so... aggressive. If they paid attention, they'd hear the difference." She shook her head. "But it's done, they all hate me."

"Maybe..." I hesitated. "Maybe if you tried talking to them about it, they'd understand."

She smiled sadly. "Sam would. Sam does already. I can hear it."

There was a long pause. Leah seemed to be inwardly debating whether or not to stick with this topic of conversation.

Finally she made up her mind.

"I'm pretty sure Sam would forgive me almost anything." A battered, ragged smile spread over her face and for a second she reminded me of Emily. "I think it's because he knows I can never forgive him."

I held my breath, waiting for her to continue.

"Well... Maybe... Maybe I could forgive him. But I'll never get over it, you know?" She looked up at me like it wasn't just a figure of speech and she really wanted me to agree. I nodded and her eyes slipped back to her cup.

"It's not that I lost him exactly. I mean, that happens. People split up."

She bit her lip.

"It's just the way it happened was so... Because it wasn't just him, it was her too, and I... I loved them both and they both just dumped me. Just like that. Or that's how it felt anyway. Like I wasn't even worth a second thought. After everything we'd been through..." There were tears in her eyes now, but I knew she wouldn't let them fall. "Suddenly I was just dead weight."

I felt like my heart was going to fall out of my chest watching her struggle to talk to me. I couldn't help myself. I reached out and pulled one of her hands away from her cup, took it in mine.

She burst out laughing. "What are you _doing?_" she asked.

"I'm holding your hand." I said matter-of-factly, grimaced, adding "Sorry."

Leah was still laughing a little, looking at me like I had two heads. "Um, okay then. Freak."

She gave my hand a quick squeeze before pulling hers away.

--

A couple of days later Jake came to see me on campus as promised. He called an hour before we were supposed to meet and told me he was already there.

"What? Why?" I asked.

"I skipped Geography. I really hate Geography."

By that time I could see him walking toward me.

"Oh you are so bad." I said as crossly as I could manage, before flipping my cell-phone shut.

He was grinning when he reached me. "Gee, it's just one measly hour. Sorry mom."

I narrowed my eyes. "Jacob, do not ever make a mom joke about me again. Understood?"

He snickered and pulled me into his arms, murmured "Understood," before leaning down and kissing me, but not on the lips, under my hair on my neck.

He let his mouth linger there, one second, two seconds, three seconds, until I hissed at him _"What are you doing?" _

He straightened up, an amused expression on his face. "What? Was that indecent? Are you embarrassed, Bells?"

I frowned, quickly scanning the area for scandalized faces.

"No," I mumbled.

"Good, then I'll do it again."

Before I could protest his lips were back at my neck and he was kissing his way up to my mouth, in the damn parking lot of the Community College. It was... It was...

I was kissing him back before I could decide what it was.

--

We wandered around aimlessly for about an hour, hand-in-hand, mostly just making jokes at each other's expense. Jacob insisted on being "introduced" to every building we passed, even the ones I'd never seen the inside of and we were walking past what he was helpfully pointing out was in fact a dorm, when a familiar voice called out to us.

"Bella! Jake!"

Leah was waving to us from the courtyard of the cafeteria. There were a couple of other figures with her, whom I identified as Alex, a tallish girl who looked remarkably like Leah, and Kelly, slightly shorter, mousier and paler. We'd met them both at our first tutorial for Critical Thinking.

"Hey guys," I said cheerfully as I caught up with them. I was glad that Leah was the only one who knew my boyfriend was still in high-school. At least I _hoped_ she was still the only one. I eyed her warily for a second before remembering my manners.

"Kelly, Alex, this is Jake."

Once all the polite nodding and ritual saying of 'Hi' was over, Jake turned to me, kissed me quickly and said he had to go, that's why he'd been early, he had things to do now.

He ran back to the rabbit at an unnatural speed and I silently prayed no one would notice. The boy really needed to learn to act more ordinary.

Leah and Kelly were snickering and Alex was looking at me strangely.

I sighed. "Ok you three, if you're about to make a joke about my weirdly tall, weirdly fast, weirdly... weird boyfriend, please refrain."

The three of them collapsed into giggles at that. I rolled my eyes.

--

That night after dinner Charlie went around to Billy's to watch the game and I decided to use the time alone to catch up on the reading for my Literature course. I wanted to start _Daniel Deronda_, but I needed to focus on school, so it would have to wait till I was done with _Metamorphosis_ - which, by the way, was a very upsetting little novel.

I'd read maybe six pages when there was a knock at the door.

It was Jacob.

I blinked in surprise. "What are you doing here?"

He grinned slowly. "I'm out working in the garage actually."

I stared at him for a moment before I realized what he meant.

"What? Jake what if they - "

He stepped over the threshold and kissed me hard, so hard he had to grab hold of me before I fell.

"I don't care."

--

This was highly irresponsible, insane even. It felt dangerous, fabulously dangerous, more fabulously dangerous than motorcycles or cliff-diving or anything else I'd ever thought of doing. And it had nothing to do with Edward. There was no room for Edward, there was no room for voices in my head, there was no room for anything but this.

_This._

I didn't know how this was happening, how I could be letting this happen, but I wanted it. I wanted _him._ I wanted Jacob, so much, so much that I thought I would actually _die_ if he stopped touching me, if his lips stopped making burning trails along the skin of my neck and dipping into my mouth, back and forth, back and forth.

He did pull away, almost exactly as I was thinking how I wouldn't be able to bear it, he pulled back with a gasp, squeezing his eyes shut tight like he was in pain. I reached for him, dragging his mouth back down to mine, arching up against him, pushing up against the softness of him, the hardness of him, the heat of him.

Then I was pulling his tee-shirt off. I couldn't believe I was actually pulling Jacob's shirt off him on my bed in an empty house. But a corner of my mind was already busy rationalizing it for me.

_He never wears a shirt anyway it's weird for him to be wearing one in the first place it's more normal if it's off natural state and all it's not - _

A moment later I was pulling my own shirt off, which was a little harder to justify.

Jacob's eyes widened for a second before I pulled his face to mine again, kissing him like you drink water after running too long.

I could feel the tight hot skin of his stomach against mine, our bodies brushing against each other as he held himself above me. And something was happening at my shoulders, something like a tickle, a light scratch. It took me a moment to understand that Jacob was pulling at the straps of my bra, sliding them over my shoulders and down my arms, then immediately running a hand over the long expanse of now un-punctuated flesh from my neck down to my chest.

I was gasping loudly between every kiss, shuddering as his hand skimmed along the edge of the now-strapless bra.

My head felt light. I couldn't think. I could only move. I reached a hand down between us, pulled at the button on his jeans. He groaned against my cheek, let me pull the zipper down before he pulled away, just the tiniest bit, stared down into my eyes with frightening intensity.

"God Bella," he breathed shakily. "God, I love you so much."

He was kissing me again when I froze.

I was being ridiculous. Jacob loved me. I knew this. I had known this for a long time.

And I loved him too. I loved him in that I needed him and I wanted him to be happy even if I could never be, maybe _because_ I could never be. If I could love someone as wonderful as Jake enough to make them happy, that would be something, my broken up and bled dry excuse for a heart wouldn't be entirely useless.

I knew all of this. I had known all of this for a long time.

But I still stiffened under his body, my lips still closed and shut him out.

"What?" he asked pulling back, panting slightly.

"Nothing?" I said, but it came out like a question.

He sat up, looking down at me, his eyes narrowing as his breathing became more regular.

"I just..." I hesitated. "I think we were..." my eyes flickered nervously to the pillow, to his face, to the pillow again. "I think we were moving too fast." I finished lamely.

I felt his eyes leave my face, my peripheral vision caught him nodding slowly. Faintly I heard the sound of a zipper sliding up.

And then his back was to me, curving just a little as he sat on the edge of the bed, silent.

I sat up quickly, pulling my bra straps back up over my shoulders, crawled across the bed to kneel beside him.

"Jake, wait." I draped my arms over his shoulders, leaned in and kissed his too-hot cheek. "It's not that I don't want to," I reassured him.

He turned to look at me, taking in a quick breath. "Hmm?" he asked, like he wasn't sure what I'd said.

Then he seemed to register it. "Oh. No you're right. We probably were moving too fast." He smirked, but it seemed forced. "I mean I'm still technically only a kid. Cradle-snatcher."

I laughed and he did too, but the sadness in his eyes told me that he knew just as well as I did that this had nothing to do with sex.


	11. Chapter 11

After Jacob left that night I sat at the kitchen table and cried for an hour. Then I went back up to my room in case Charlie came home early and cried there.

I cried because I'd been kidding myself and this proved it. I couldn't be with him. I couldn't have him. Not when everything I was trying so hard not to feel was going to come crashing down on me like _that._

It wasn't right. I couldn't keep pretending anymore, no matter how happy it...

Did it make me _happy?_

I wasn't happy. I couldn't be. There was no happiness without Edward. That was a simple truth. That would always be a simple truth.

I wasn't happy. I had just been pretending. I was too broken to do anything other than pretend. I would always be too broken.

And it wasn't enough. I couldn't let Jacob settle for pretending.

I loved him too much for that.

And yet there it was. There was the problem. I loved Jacob. So why wasn't it okay for him to love me? Why couldn't I just let it be that way?

I fell asleep in confusion, woke up in confusion.

But really it wasn't quite confusion, it was more an endless skipping between contradictory certainties.

I love Edward. So I can't be with Jacob. Because I love Jacob.

I will never be happy. I am...

_You're not happy, you can't be, not without_ him.

The more I thought, the less sense any of it made. The only knowledge I really came away with was that I had no idea what to do.

But as the day wore on and I didn't hear from Jacob, I began to wonder if he was making up my mind for me.

--

I drove over to La Push after dinner, which was unfair, wrong, inevitable, necessary, frightening, a million other things.

I found Jacob in the garage.

I walked in as quietly as I could, but of course he heard me - or maybe sensed me - right away. He turned around from the bench where I could see he had been staring at nothing.

"Hey," I said nervously, struggling to look at him instead of the ground.

"Hey," he echoed. "How are you?"

His face was calm, completely composed. At first glance it seemed to be Sam's face, the mask he used to contain his anger. But as I peered into the dark black-lashed eyes, it became clear that it was all him. It was _my Jacob_, only sadder, heavier-of-heart than I had ever seen him before.

Looking at him was killing me. I let myself turn away for a moment, felt a slow breath of relief fall from my lips. "I'm okay, I guess." I said, eyes on the left wall. I shoved my hands into the pockets of my hoodie. "How are you?"

"Um... not sure really."

My chest constricted painfully. I couldn't make myself look at him.

"You didn't call or anything." It sounded absolutely pathetic once I'd said it. I closed my eyes, forced my head to turn.

When I opened them again I could see him.

"I was just giving you some space."

I blinked.

_No, no, no. No crying. Not now._

"How much space?" I asked and I sounded pathetic again.

He sighed, half-turned, looked down at the bench. "As much as you want."

"I..." My fists were clenching in my pockets. "I don't know how much I want, Jake."

He looked up abruptly, a puzzled expression on his face, like he had expected me to say something else. Then he was staring at the bench again and he was smiling to himself.

_Should I be smiling too? _

"Let's experiment then," he suggested softly, taking a step toward me. Slowly he lifted his eyes to meet mine, still smiling, still sad. "How's that?"

_Should I be smiling? Should I be sad? _

"That's fine," I whispered.

He took another step. "And now?"

I nodded, trying to swallow the lump forming in my throat, took a step toward him myself.

A second later he was hugging me to him, one hand on my back, the other in my hair and my hands were at his chest catching tears.

I pulled my face away, sniffling embarrassingly, like a five year old with a cold.

"I'm so sorry Jake," I said, looking into his eyes, willing him to understand how much I meant it.

He smiled, stroked my hair. "It's okay, it's just..."

He sighed heavily, brought his lips to my forehead for a long moment, before he lifted his face to look into my eyes again.

"Bella, I love you. And you don't have to say it, you really don't." He was shaking his head a little. "But you do have to let me say it."

Fresh tears were dripping down to my jaw, but Jake was still smiling at me.

"We'll be okay, Bells." He kissed both my cheeks. "_You'll_ be okay eventually. I'll make sure of it."

--

I could have made plenty of jokes about knocking on wood and not speaking too soon, if I hadn't been scared out of my mind.

Almost the second Jake said we'd be okay, the second I felt myself believing him - despite everything I knew about my mangled heart and happiness being impossible, that was a truth, _a simple truth_ – the second I felt myself believing him and stretching up to find his warm lips, I was thrown behind him and there was a figure in the doorway, a looming dark outline.

"Bella Swan?" a voice asked with steely politeness.

"Who's asking, bloodsucker?" Jacob growled.

The figure stepped into the light and I gasped at his eyes, red like gaping wounds in his pale, smooth face. "Jean-Valéry Velay. And he was asking the girl, not you, you..." He sniffed the air thoughtfully. "What are you? A dog? A human-shaped dog?"

Jacob snarled. "I'll show you what I am."

He leapt at the vampire, changing as he did.

I scrambled back behind an old engine, trying to breathe so I wouldn't pass out, wishing there was a backdoor to escape through.

_Jean-Valéry. French. But his accent wasn't French. And he knew my name. Jean-Valéry. Bella Swan. Victoria. Laurent. James. What is _happening?

They were gone now, out into the trees. But I didn't dare move, didn't dare try to make it to my truck.

_Quiet, quiet now. French but not French. Jean-Valéry Velay. Bella Swan. Jake._

A peal of howls pierced the air. Any other girl hiding behind an engine in a garage at night would have cowered more at that. But I knew better. I stood up, breathed deeply, almost a sigh.

The Pack.

It was one vampire. The pack could handle one vampire. They'd rip him apart, just like Laurent, Victoria.

_Everything will be okay, Jake will make sure of it, it'll be okay, it'll be okay._

Jacob came back for me seconds later and he was still the wolf. He tore into the garage and tore out again so fast he was just a reddish blur.

And then he was back, in his more familiar form, wearing an old pair of ripped and stained shorts he'd been using as a rag in the garage.

He wasn't smiling.

"Are you okay?" he kept his voice low.

I nodded.

"He's still out there. The others are after him. I have to get you out of here in case he doubles back."

He strode toward me and picked me up, started toward the door.

"My truck's outside," I whispered.

He shook his head. "Running is faster."

"But Charlie will - "

Jake sighed. "Charlie. Right. Honestly at this point, I wish Leah would imprint on him or something so we could just tell him the damn truth."

I grimaced. "Um, that would be a little messed up, Jake. No more wishing it."

He set me down with a grin.

"So are you driving or am I?"

I raised an eyebrow. "Is that even a question? Impending doom or not, it's my truck. I drive."

--

The drive home was tense. It was tough to concentrate on the road when my eyes couldn't seem to help obsessively searching the gloom for something pale, luminous and deadly.

I almost wished we had been able to just run. At least then I could bury my head in Jake's chest, give in to the warmth and muffled darkness and leave it all up to him.

But Charlie would naturally be suspicious if I showed up home without my truck and since I was already at least thirty minutes later than I'd said I'd be, I figured I didn't need to give him anything else to get mad about.

Jake jumped out of the truck about a mile down the road, said he'd be outside all night if I needed him. He kissed my hand quickly before he disappeared.

--

The next morning Leah and I both skipped classes and went to Sam's to discuss the situation.

It was hard for Leah to step over the threshold and I was proud that she was able to. Expecting her to actually contribute to the meeting would have been a little much. She mostly just sat stiffly on the corner of a chair and stared at the ground, nodding when everybody else did.

"So this guy," Sam started, "We barely got a chance to touch him. He disappeared East so I'm thinking we head out - "

I was shaking my head.

"Bella?" Sam asked.

I looked up at him. "No need to follow. He'll be back. He knew my name."

Sam took that in, looked around the room. "Did he say anything to anyone else?"

Jake raised his hand, like a kid in grade school.

"He said a whole lot of stuff to me outside the garage, but I was kind of preoccupied with trying to claw his throat out." He sighed. "Um... Something about having friends up North. New friends. Something about... something gnarly?"

I felt the blood drain out of my face, the air whoosh out of my body.

"Denali," I said.

_French but not French._

"Canadian of course..." I murmured to myself. Then I looked over at Sam, trying to speak steadily despite the thumping in my chest. "He's been in Alaska, with the Denali. His new friends are..."

"What is the Denali?" Sam asked.

"The Denali clan. They're like the Cullens, they don't hunt people. And the Cullens go there sometimes, I know they do. That's how he knew my name. They're Velay's new friends. The Cullens are his new friends."

Jacob was eyeing me skeptically. "But this guy's eyes were red. He definitely wasn't a vegetarian."

I nodded. "The Denali seem to be less exclusive than the Cullens. Laurent was with them before he came back and tried to..." I shook my head. "We have to call them."

"The Denali? You have their number?" Paul asked, maybe hoping a little mild sarcasm would lighten the mood.

"No, but I know a name. Tanya. And the Cullens will be with them, I know it. They're Velay's new friends."

Jacob spoke again and his voice might have been a little tight. "Am I the only one who thinks we should just kill the bloodsucker?"

Sam nodded in agreement. "I don't think there's any need to draw any more attention to ourselves. We'll get him, Bella, don't worry. And then we'll see about the rest."

"The rest?" Jacob asked, and this time there was no mistaking the sharp edge to his tone.

Sam shrugged. "First Laurent, now Velay. Someone needs to have a word with these Denali people."

--

The morning sun was relatively strong and there was little chance Velay would come out of hiding until late afternoon at the earliest.

I sat out on the porch with Leah for a while. She was chain-smoking again and I could see she was tense, but not about the vampire, just about the fact that she was sitting on Sam's porch.

No one seemed to be worried about the vampire and I wondered if that was some werewolf trait – absurd, possibly dangerous levels of self-confidence in the face of a threat.

Jacob in particular was irritatingly unafraid and every time I expressed any concern at the situation he would ruffle my hair patronizingly and grin. And when Leah went home to get something to eat, he actually insisted we go sit in my truck and "practice."

--

"Bella, I love you."

I tried to keep my face absolutely still, my eyes trained on his.

"Not bad!" He beamed at my progress. "Your left eye barely twitched this time."

I rolled my eyes and he leaned in and kissed me. "I love you." He repeated brushing his lips against mine, shifting so he was pressing me gently against the back of my seat. "I'm _so_ in love with you." His mouth was on mine again, pushing deeper this time. "Always."

_I love you_

Somehow it was easier to hear when it was directly preceded and followed by kisses. Still, there was something about that last part... Something that was gnawing at me...

"Always?" I asked softly against his lips.

It was his turn to roll his eyes at me. "No, I'm in love with you for the next three weeks." He kissed me again. "Of course, always."


	12. Chapter 12

When the sun started to wane, Jacob made me call Charlie and say I was staying over at Leah's. This wasn't too difficult for me to do, because it was actually true. We had decided it would be better for me to switch locations, not to sleep where I had slept the night before. Also, it would be hard to explain the chaos to Charlie if the fight ended up being brought to our front door.

Both Jared and Quil were staying with me, Quil at the edge of the trees across the park, Jared close to the house. I felt guilty taking two wolves away from the battle, but Jacob pointed out that since they didn't know where the battle was going to happen, I needed the extra protection.

I pleaded with Jacob to take Jared's place and stay with me, but he just joked that there was no way he was going to play babysitter, no matter how cute the baby was.

Jared and I both groaned at that.

Leah snickered behind us.

I froze when I saw her stashing shorts and a tank top in the flowerbed. I really was a disappointment to feminists everywhere; I'd somehow managed to assume that Leah would be staying at home with me and Sue and Seth. I was surprised at just how sick it made me to think of her in danger. Letting her leave was nearly as painful as letting Jacob leave.

She scoffed when I expressed my concern for her safety.

"Please, we can't all be porcelain dolls, Bella Swan."

Jacob kissed me on the cheek, beamed at Leah. "Snap. I like to think of her as my little porcelain doll too."

I rolled my eyes. "There is nothing wrong with being careful okay? Be it. I'll get so mad if anyone gets hurt."

Jacob smirked. "Aw, Bella, will you beat us all up?"

"Jake, hold me, I'm scared," Leah joined in, her voice dripping with sarcasm.

They both had a good laugh at my expense while I scowled at them.

"Are you two leaving any time soon?"

Leah skipped down the front steps, grinning. "Bye Bella. Don't wait up!"

I gazed after her helplessly until Jacob pulled me to him, kissed me softly on the cheek, then on the lips.

"I'll give you something to think about while I'm gone." He took a deep breath, paused for effect. "Jacob Black is madly, embarrassingly, pathetically in love with you. Interesting, huh?"

He winked at me before running after Leah.

--

When they were gone the ordinariness of things was extremely disturbing. Seth watched TV, I helped Sue unpack the dishwasher, then she settled down at the kitchen table to frown and mutter over bills.

I flipped the switch on the kettle, smiled despite myself.

--

"You have to have coffee. It's my thing. Bella's guards get coffee."

Jared smiled good-naturedly, though his eyes were giving his thoughts away and they went something like this: _Bella Swan. Nice kid, weird as hell._

I sat down on the porch beside him and we sipped in silence for a while. It wasn't long before curiosity got the better of me.

"Jared can I ask you a question?"

"Sure," he said, taking another sip of his coffee.

"What's it like, with you and Kim?"

He raised an eyebrow. "Good?"

I blushed a little. "Um, no, I mean the imprinting part. What's that like?"

He still looked pretty uncomfortable and I couldn't blame him. It wasn't really any of my business and I was starting to feel extremely stupid for bringing it up so abruptly. Or, you know, at all.

I was just about the change the subject when he answered.

"It's scary actually." He looked down at his cup, traced a finger round the rim. "But safe too, in that it's definite. Definite in a way that other feelings never are."

His eyes flickered suddenly to my face and he smiled, tacked something onto that. "Or they haven't been for me. But then I'm not a total girl about these things like Jake."

I smiled weakly back at him, went inside and tipped my coffee down the sink.

It was making me sick.

--

Inside domestic bliss still reigned. Seth was banging on the TV and swearing under his breath, Sue's forehead creased in irritation while she read.

I sat down at the kitchen table next to her and picked up Leah's copy of _Metamorphosis_. I was nearly done, just a few more pages, unless we were supposed to read the rest of the stories too, in which case I was never going to get to _Daniel Deronda._

Jake's inscription flashed through my mind when I thought the title.

_To Bella, Love always, Jake._

He was always saying _always._

Always wasn't his to promise. For the first time I was forced to wonder: Was it possible that the love I had managed to scrape together for Jacob was just as doomed as my love for Edward?

Jacob was so constant. I couldn't imagine him changing his mind about me. But then, as unworthy as I had always known myself to be, I had never dreamed Edward would leave me.

And I was his singer. My blood called out to the hunger in him.

For Jacob, I was just a girl. No matter what he said, that was all I could be.

Someone else was supposed to be more.

I felt sick again.

I tried to focus on the page in front of me.

_"Now perhaps I can actually turn myself around," thought Gregor and began the task again. He couldn't stop puffing at the effort and had to - "_

A howl sounded outside. And it was very close.

_Quil_

--

Instinctively I ran to the front door, though it might have been better to run out the back. It might have been better to stay in my seat at the kitchen table and finish _Metamorphosis._

But it was too late. Before I could stop myself I'd flung the front door open and I knew I wouldn't be able to tear my eyes away from the scene that was unfolding.

Velay was loping, gliding almost, toward Jared, sort of dragging Quil with him. When they got closer I could see that Quil was holding on, claws in the vampire trying to stop him from reaching his target. Trying to stop him from reaching me.

Jared lunged when they reached the street, low growls muffled in marble skin.

The whole dance was eerily quiet.

Velay emerged, red eyes immediately on me, the two huge wolves immediately on him again.

But he shook them off a second time, moved forward.

I ran, almost turned back to close the door.

_Close the door? How is that going to help? If he gets to the door you're dead. Sue's dead. Seth's dead._

"Sue! Seth!" I called, surprised my vocal cords were even functioning.

They seemed to have a better sense of self-preservation than me. I found them hiding in the laundry.

"He's coming," I whispered breathlessly, though I knew that whispering, like shutting the door was pointless, "I think maybe we should - "

Seth pushed past me, barreled out of the laundry and to the front door, knocking over a pair of expensive-looking china vases as he went.

_"Seth!"_ Sue screamed after him.

I was too stunned to react at all.

And then, as he ran through the door, his clothes burst from him and for a split second I was horribly aware that I was looking at a naked boy.

But then the boy was gone and a grey wolf tore across the lawn.

It took me a moment to realize that Sue wasn't next to me anymore. She was running to the door. I ran after her, grabbing onto her arm roughly before she could step outside, holding her back.

I could see that Seth had charged at Velay, forcing him off Jared.

The dance was louder now, because Seth was snarling viciously, all teeth and new enthusiasm.

Jared and Quil were at the sides snapping and moving to and fro and I could see that they were rounding him up, like they were sheep dogs, forcing him across the park toward the trees.

They were almost out of sight when I saw the smaller gray wolf fly through the air, pelted into the trees like he was a cuddly toy.

He didn't get back up.

Sue's struggling became more insistent, frenzied even.

I was trying to calm her – _He'll be okay, they heal so fast, look at Jacob_ – trying to reason with her – _You'll get yourself killed, they can't lose their mother too._

None of it was having any effect, her hysteria only grew and I fought to keep a grip on her arm.

_A sharp pain in my gut._

She'd punched me. Sue Clearwater had punched me and now she was running down the porch steps, across the garden and –

I ran after her.

I would gain on her easily. I may not have been the most athletic of girls, but she wasn't a young woman. I would catch her. I would catch her before she got herself killed and stole Leah from me forever.

But of course I tripped before I even reached the mailbox.

_Get back up, keep running, all you can do is get back up, keep running._

"Sue, _please!_" I screamed.

She was so far ahead now. What if I didn't make it? What if she –

_Keep running, all you can do is keep running._

I heard howls in the distance, but they couldn't comfort me. Velay was strong and the pack sounded far away.

I was running, lungs slamming hotly against my ribcage, running to a beat of

_Hurry hurry hurry hurry hurry hurry hurry hurry -_

I tackled Sue in a flash of light.

A car, shiny and dark, rammed into Velay, sending him flying.

Two figures emerged.

Edward and Alice Cullen.

My heart stopped beating. I had to press my chest to make it start again.

Edward was running toward me, a golden blur in the night.

When he reached us he turned around, arms extended, shielding us.

Jared had Velay pinned down, but Alice wrenched him out, tiny Alice holding him up by his neck. Her voice was unusually low, but it carried.

"I hunted with you, you _bitch_. Now I'm going to _rip you apart._"

And she did.

I watched, my stomach churning, unable to look away. I watched as Alice let Velay drop, grabbed him by his left leg and _tore._

It came off in her hands. She tossed it aside, grabbed at him again.

At that moment two more wolves came running out of the trees, and one, I think it was Paul, was heading directly for Alice and Velay.

I knew what he was going to do.

He didn't understand the difference. Or right now he didn't want to.

Paul was going to attack Alice.

I scrambled to my feet behind Edward, screamed _"No!"_

I could barely register that Sue was gone, running blindly to where Seth had been thrown.

The other wolves – there were so many now – were dragging Paul off Alice and I was praying, praying to anything that would listen that she would be okay.

Velay, forgotten for a moment, was pulling himself along the ground, dragging his bloody stump behind him. He moved so fast, even in his altered state, and for a moment I really thought he might get away.

But then something amazing happened.

Sue Clearwater was still running, but I knew she wouldn't find her son.

A smaller gray wolf was suddenly on top of Velay, mauling him, and from the wild snapping and snarling, I knew that it wasn't Leah.

Bloodied marble pieces were collecting around the pair. The body under the wolf began to come undone.

Alice was asking for matches.

I smiled at the carnage.

_And this is the girl who faints over a pinprick. That's progress._

My smile faded when I realized how cold I was. My heart started to pound madly when I realized _why_ I was so cold.

Edward's arms were around me. My back was pressed against his stone chest. His thumb was rubbing absently along my arm as we watched and I could feel his cool breath on my hair.

I felt weak suddenly. Without intending to I sank against him, letting him bear my weight. I closed my eyes, feeling half sick, half in heaven.

When I opened them again they seemed to focus of their own accord on the distant row of trees.

I saw the russet wolf turn and run into the forest.

And then I was alone and – miraculously – still standing. Edward walked back to the car and got in.

My mouth fell open in horror.

He couldn't do that to me. He couldn't come back and not even say anything and then just _leave._

I could feel the bile rising in my throat, tears prickling in my eyes.

But Alice was there – beautiful and whole, thank God, pale against a background of pale violet smoke.

She brought a cold hand to my face. "I'll make him talk to you tomorrow, I promise. You need to rest now, Bella."

I nodded mutely as the tears began to fall.

--

Jacob is lying on a couch at the top of a hill.

He is dying and I am holding his hand.

When I look down I can see a mess at the bottom, all broken crowns and liquid salt.

We're talking without talking.

_Jake, why are you dying?_

__

Because you are. We're going together.

I don't feel sick, though.

_You just said you did. The coffee was poisoned. Remember?_

I'm shaking my head.

_I wouldn't do that, Jake._

_I know. But_ she _would._

I look down again, the wind is screaming that I shouldn't.

I'm at the bottom too.

There's a party in the ambulance with streamers and balloons. Alice is popping them with a thick silver pin and grumbling.

"They're the wrong color," she whispers angrily to me. "I would never have let you choose these."

_pop pop pop_

"What's the occasion anyway, Bella?"

I smile. "It's Edward's birthday."

_pop pop pop_

"No it's not."

_pop_

"Yes it is."

_pop_

"No it's not."

_pop_

"Yes it is."

Alice snorts crossly. "I think I would know if it was my own brother's birthday."

_pop pop pop_

I sigh.

"Well if you're going to kill all the balloons, I suppose I should just go back..."

I turn, eyes climbing endlessly to the top of the hill.

"It's so _high..._"

A figure steps in from the left. The music begs me to turn my head.

"I always did like to make a mountain out of a molehill."

_Edward?_

There's a field of blood irises behind him, nodding in the wind.

"Are you... _crying?_"

_The salt was his._

"Edward?"


	13. Chapter 13

I woke up on the Clearwaters' sofa, though it took me a moment to know that that was where I was.

I tiptoed into the kitchen, wondering how late it was, and was relieved to see that Sue was already up.

"Hi Mrs Clearwater," I said awkwardly. It felt weird calling somebody Mrs after they'd punched you in the gut.

"Bella," She smiled and hurried to me, putting a hand on my arm. "I'm so sorry about last night, I didn't want to hurt you."

I shook my head. "I know, I understand. I really understand. And it doesn't hurt, I'm fine. I'm more worried about Seth. He's okay?"

She beamed proudly. "He's okay."

At that moment the boy in question shuffled through the door, lunged at a plate of eggs.

"I'm not okay," He mumbled between mouthfuls, "I'm a big damn hero."

Sue and I both laughed.

She ruffled his hair. "Yes you are."

--

Jacob was nowhere to be found. I called his house, his cell, drove around trying to find him for two hours. His words in the garage echoed ominously in my mind.

_I was just giving you some space._

Space? Did he honestly think that I'd –

That wasn't what Edward was here for. He didn't even want to talk to me. Nothing had changed. Nothing would change.

_I wouldn't do that, Jake._

That was from the dream, the one where he'd been dying but the coffee hadn't been poisoned. And it hadn't been Edward's birthday. Or it had. I couldn't tell.

I hadn't dreamed like that in so long.

It hadn't been violent, there had been no cruel words, no chasing, no out-of-breath screams, I hadn't cried.

_I_ hadn't cried.

But it had been strange and too familiar at the same time and I had woken up feeling sick and afraid.

--

When I gave up looking for Jake and drove back to Forks, Alice was waiting for me. I hugged her tightly, told her how sorry I was, that Paul was always out of control, that I would never forgive him for this.

She smiled, reminded me that she and Edward had broken the treaty by coming onto Quileute land.

"Oh you can't blame the dog, Bella. Honestly, I'm surprised the others didn't join in. We shouldn't have been there."

I scowled. "If you _hadn't_ been there one of them might have ended up dead. It's all so ridiculous."

She nodded. "Yes it is. But what can you and I do about it? Nothing."

She might have said something else after that but I couldn't hear her. Edward was walking toward us.

True to her word Alice had forced him to come, was now forcing him to talk to me, telling him if he was back in less than an hour she'd know he'd cheated.

We sat on the grass on the verge outside my house. He looked extremely uncomfortable at first, like he had something else he really needed to be doing.

I hated that that hurt me so much.

Shop-talk was the ice-breaker, and by shop-talk I mean discussing the vampires who kept wanting to kill me. Edward explained that Velay had become intrigued by me during his time with the Denali, first hearing tales from Laurent, then from Alice.

"You know how Alice likes to make friends," He sighed. "And she _loves_ to tell a love story."

I nodded. "So he wanted to see what all the fuss was about. You know, I almost wish he'd gotten a little closer to me. Just to know if my blood really is all that."

Edward frowned, almost glared at me.

"Sorry," I muttered. "So I guess, you read his mind?"

"No, I didn't give him a second thought. Not even when he took off out of nowhere. I was..." He stared intently into my eyes before finishing with "distracted."

It seemed like he was being careful.

_Careful. _

What on earth did he think there was to be careful with now? He'd already broken my heart. There was nothing left to work with.

I held my breath for a second, tried to keep my mind on Velay.

"But then how did you know he was a threat? Did Alice see something... happen to me?"

Edward's eyes hardened. "Not until it was nearly too late. She was..." He hesitated, "She was keeping an eye on you for me, for her too I suspect." He winced at telling me that, like he was worried I was going to take it the wrong way, think it meant more than it did. "Just looking in occasionally, only for your safety. But then one day, more than six months ago now, she couldn't see you. There was nothing, only blackness."

"Oh... six months ago. And you..." I caught myself. "She wasn't worried? When she couldn't see me?" I hated the vulnerability, the neediness in my voice.

Edward frowned disapprovingly. "Don't be ridiculous Bella. She was in a hysterical state. We packed up to leave immediately, but before we hit the Canadian border she looked again and this time you were there, clear as day and safe."

"So you turned back?"

"So we turned back." He sighed, ran a pale hand through his hair. "Alice just assumed something was wrong with her, looked for you twice, three times as often as she had before, always found you eventually and you were always safe."

Edward was far away now, somewhere he didn't want to be.

"But there were still those patches, longer and longer. Those patches of blackness."

"What is it? What's wrong with me?" I breathed, feeling a chill crawl up my spine.

He shook his head, smiled reassuringly. "Nothing is wrong with you, Bella. It has nothing to do with you."

"Then what?" I asked.

"Werewolves." He said it simply and with audible distaste, and for a moment I thought he was just going to leave it at that.

"We should have known really. We had no idea that there were werewolves in Washington again, but perhaps we should have known there would be. Alice can't see the wolves. That's why she couldn't see you, or rather, why she could only see you intermittently."

I frowned, still puzzled. "But I'm - "

"The wolves' protection from her sight extends to humans." He looked away. "When they are in close physical proximity to one of them."

I bit my lip at that.

_Close physical proximity, indeed. _

"So Alice couldn't - "

"She would have seen it right away. Seen Velay heading for you. She would have seen it right away if not for the wolves."

Anger blazed in his eyes for just a second, barely flaring before he calmed.

He shook his head.

"And she would have seen it straight away from Velay's perspective, if I had given a second thought to his sudden departure."

"It's not your fault," I whispered earnestly, instantly disgusted by the softness of my tone, the softness I knew was in my eyes. In an attempt to compensate I added archly "You were distracted in Alaska, after all."

He didn't take the bait, just shot me an unreadable look.

Silence. The absence of words drove my brain to zero in on his face. I was finally seeing him clearly, letting the full impact of his beauty hit me.

It was too much. The subtle hollow of his cheek. The sharp, strong line of his nose. And the lips that seemed so soft, only I knew, I knew what it was like to kiss them. I knew the too-firm coldness of his mouth, the flavor of his marble skin. I knew –

I clenched my fists. I had to start talking again.

"So the wolves... Did Alice see Victoria?"

Edward's head jerked up. "Victoria?"

"Yeah, she was kind of stalking me. For a while. Till the pack, you know, dismembered her. They were always around me during that time, literally always. I guess that's why she couldn't - "

_"Victoria?"_ he asked again, his face paling if that was possible.

"Yeah. Crazy, I know. I'm a vampire-magnet."

He shook his head, looked down. "No, not crazy. Not crazy at all. I should have known. She was his mate and I should have known she would come for you."

I frowned. "How could you have known? She didn't exactly seem like the sentimental type."

"It doesn't matter how she seemed. It doesn't even matter how vile and cruel and cold she was. He was her mate." He kept his eyes on the ground. "Vampires mate for life. Once they love one, they can never love another. The attachment is set in stone. I should have known."

I stared at him wistfully, dangerously close to tears now. I couldn't help thinking it.

_Does that mean he never even loved me at all?_

The aching in my chest chose to manifest itself as "Like imprinting?"

He turned to look at me, eyebrow raised. "Imprinting." He repeated. "It's part of the wolves' mating ritual, is that right?

I grimaced. "That's not how I would put it. It's... It's like you, like vampires. Unique and definite. Irrevocable." Those three words burned. "Like James and Victoria, and Carlisle and Esme and - "

"And you and me." Edward interrupted softly.

"Yes," I said, and it was barely a whisper. My eyes were suddenly locked on his brilliant topaz ones. "Like my feelings for you."

He smiled crookedly. "And you're not even the vampire in the equation."

"Yes," I was still whispering, I still couldn't look away. "That's the funny thing."

He held my gaze for a long moment and I could tell from the familiar furrowing of his brow that he was trying uselessly, instinctively to read my thoughts.

"But you're happy."

"I'm not happy," I said quickly.

He cocked his head to one side. "And yet you smile, you laugh. I've seen you in all of their minds."

I couldn't speak, I was lost in him.

"You're happy with Jacob Black."

I flinched at the name, looked away, the spell broken for a moment.

_Jacob_

It was as though I'd forgotten he existed. But I shouldn't really have been surprised by that. Always, whenever Edward was near, the whole world ceased to exist.

"Maybe I'm happi_er_," I finally corrected him.

I looked up at him again, wished I hadn't when he chose his next words.

"You love Jacob Black."

_God, the name again._

"It's not..." I swallowed, tore my gaze away. "He's my best friend." I said weakly.

I could see Edward shaking his head slowly out of the corner of my eye.

"It's more than that. I can smell him all over you. And you all over him."

Anger rocked through me, all the more violent for being so unexpected.

"Well can you please stop smelling me? And him for that matter." I was practically yelling, and it only enraged me more when Edward glanced around us, brought a finger to his lips.

"I don't get this. You left, Edward. You got sick of me and you _left._"

"I got sick of you?" I was pretty sure he was amused.

I gritted my teeth, stood up abruptly, ready to walk away. "Well I assume so. Whatever, you made it pretty clear you didn't want to be with me, so I don't think it's fair for you to - "

He was standing up too now. And he was laughing, actually _laughing._

"You really are naive, Bella." His mirth dimmed to a smile and his eyes were warring with it, too full of pain when they met mine. "You believed me," he said softly, slightly accusingly.

I sucked in a breath, suddenly more terrified than angry. "Of course I believed you. Why wouldn't I believe you."

He shook his head, sighed. "I am a good liar, it's true. Better than you at any rate."

"Thanks?" I asked stupidly.

My heart was beating unreasonably fast. I couldn't think. I couldn't think, but I knew there was something happening here, something I couldn't quite let myself understand.

"Why would you lie to me?" I barely managed to ask.

His golden eyes had trapped mine again. It felt like I was swaying a little.

"I can't..." He was silent for a long time, lips pressed thin like he was struggling to find the right words. "To save you from feeling pain."

"But you didn't save me. You..." I looked away, gulped for air, suddenly feeling like I'd been under water this whole time. "You _broke_ me."

"And he patched you up?" Edward's voice was unusually hard, coarse even.

I looked back at him and there was something in his eyes, something between rage and longing, something that thrilled me beyond reason.

"He tried," I whispered.

Edward's eyebrows raised just a little. "Then perhaps you should pass on my thanks to him."

"Why don't you thank him yourself?"

He ignored my question.

"I never wanted you to be in pain, Bella. That was the point."

I just stared at him, incredulous. "You made me believe you didn't want me." I almost laughed. "You said you loved me _in a way._ Exactly how was I not going to be in pain?"

He sighed, brought a hand to his forehead and closed his eyes. "It was a mistake." His voice, usually so clear and cool, was strangled and rough. "But I don't know if the truth would have helped."

"The truth would have - "

"It wasn't safe Bella, you must see that. I always knew it wasn't safe for you. But I let myself pretend..." He trailed off. "And then that incident at your birthday party woke me up, I suppose." He finally opened his eyes, stared into mine. "Woke me up from that dream where I am yours and you are mine."

I was shaking my head and it felt heavy on my limp neck and shoulders. Before I could stop myself I said it.

"It's not a dream, Edward. I _am_ yours. Always yours. It can't be any other way."

There were only two things in his face now. Agony, unmistakable. And the tiniest hint of indecision. He nodded slightly, shook his head slightly.

"And we must be apart. That can't be any other way either."

"So you're just leaving?" My voice was high-pitched, I was teetering on the brink of a hysterical episode. I took a step toward him and reached out a hand, just barely touching his cold forearm with my fingertips.

Edward flinched a little, the familiar crooked smile almost reaching his lips. "I'm trying to," he said, looked down at my hand. "You're not helping."

"Good," I said, taking another step forward, letting my trembling hand close around his arm, slip down into his.

"Bella," he sighed, and it was almost a groan. "Please don't make this harder."

I shook my head, reaching my other hand up, placing it on his shoulder. "I'm not making it harder, I'm making it easier." My eyes were fixed on his, I couldn't look away. I didn't _want_ to, not ever.

_Not ever._

"I can't live without you, Edward. If you leave again now, you'll kill me."

His mouth twitched and he brought his free hand to my face. The coldness of it was shocking after all this time and I gasped involuntarily.

"I may very well kill you if I don't leave," he said ruefully.

"I'll take that chance."

"I won't let you," he countered

My face was so close to his now, I could breathe in the sweet scent of him.

"I love you," I whispered, letting my lips brush his, everything whirling around that single, true fact.

_I love you. _

I was falling in my mind, over and over again, falling to the ground.

_He's not going to kiss you, he's not going to kiss you, he doesn't love you,_ that _wasn't the lie, _this_ is, and he hasn't even said it anyway, not really, he doesn't love you, step away, step away, he's not going to kiss -_

And then his lips were pressed to mine.

My heart stopped. All sound was gone.

Our mouths opened, lips tangling and disentangling messily, over and over. I was pressed against him now, his hands at my neck and back, mine still trembling in his hair.

When it was over my lips were trembling too. My whole body was shaking.

I slid my hands back to his shoulders, tried to grip them firmly.

"You never wanted to leave," I said, as evenly as I could manage.

"No."

"You don't want to leave now."

A pause.

"No."

I drew in a shaky breath, closed my eyes. "You're not going to leave."

"Bella..."

I opened my eyes again, stared straight into his, a smile creeping across my lips.

"You'll notice that that wasn't a question."

--

I found him in the garage again, just like last time. Only this time I knew what I had to say. There could be no more confusion. Only generous helpings of regret, guilt and self-loathing.

His smile was broad when he turned, but it slipped from his face quickly at my expression.

"Bells?"

"Jake, the Cullens…" I tried to keep my breathing steady, my eyes on his. "…are staying."

He plastered a grin onto his face and it didn't belong.

"Thanks for the info."

"Jake…" I swallowed, my throat so dry I almost coughed, forced my lips to move again. "I want to... I have to be with Edward."

The grin didn't shift. It was like his face was going to be frozen that way forever.

_Did the wind change?_

"You don't _have_ to be with him."

"That's what it feels like..." I broke off, looked down. "Jake I don't have a choice."

"You don't have a choice?" His voice rose frighteningly on that last word and my eyes snapped back to his in shock. He wasn't smiling anymore. "I fucking _imprint_ and I'll still love you, but _you don't have a choice?_"

I stepped back, reeling, stepped back again, almost fell.

"What?"

He didn't answer. He was staring at me, black eyes bulging, wide shoulders shaking.

_"You imprinted?"_

He looked down, the mask of calm descending on him in an instant.

"It doesn't matter." He said in a dull monotone.

"Who?" I asked, breathlessly.

"It doesn't matter." He repeated and it was so identical to the first time that it could have been a recording.

I swallowed, felt a disgusting tear slide down my cheek.

"It's Alex, isn't it."

It wasn't a question.

This was breathtaking. Like the twist at the end of a good movie. I looked back to that day and I knew with absolute certainty what had happened. The way Jacob had run unnaturally fast, not caring that people might see. The way he'd come to me that night, more reckless and more fevered than he'd ever been before. And finally, most importantly, the strange look Alex had given me, a flicker of emotion that I hadn't been able to place.

It had been guilt. She had felt guilty, based purely on the look my boyfriend had given her.

I felt sick.

Jacob had picked up a screwdriver and was tapping it lightly and evenly against the wooden bench.

_Tap - tap - tap - tap - tap - tap - tap -_

"Leave," he said.

I stood there silent, my mind spinning, my gut churning.

I shook my head.

"But Jake, if you imprinted on her - "

He interrupted me, his voice still low, but heavier, harder than I had ever heard it.

"Fucking - " _tap_ "Just - " _tap_ "Leave." _tap_

I backed away unsteadily, staring at the screwdriver as it relentlessly met the bench, over and over. Then I was stumbling out of the garage, half-walking, half-running to my truck.

I got in and drove away, the hollow rhythm still echoing in my head.

Five minutes later I had to pull over, rush into the bushes, throw up.


	14. Chapter 14

When I got back to Forks Charlie was home early, waiting for me. He was sitting at the kitchen table, got up immediately when I came in.

"I heard."

"Heard what?" I asked tentatively, dropping my keys on the counter.

"That the Cullens are back." He stepped toward me, put a hand on my arm. "Are you okay, Bella?"

He looked worried, almost to the point of fear. And Charlie was never afraid.

"Do you need anything?"

I shook my head. "I'm fine, Dad. Thanks."

"You don't look fine," he said suspiciously, noting my puffy, bloodshot eyes. "Did he say something to you?"

"No, no. I mean, yes. But I wasn't upset. It's..." I bit my lip, then sighed raggedly. "It's Jake."

Charlie's eyes widened. "Jacob made you cry?"

I almost laughed at that, coughed instead around the lump in my throat.

"We broke up."

"What? Why, sweetheart? What happened?"

I steeled myself.

"We broke up because Edward's back."

I stared defiantly into Charlie's eyes, tried to stay strong though I could feel my lip beginning to tremble as understanding spread across his face.

He brought his other hand to my other arm, spoke low.

"Let me get this straight. Edward Cullen, the one who broke your heart and left you a virtual zombie for months is back in town for five minutes… and you're breaking up with the boy who brought you back to life?"

Tears fell out no matter how hard I willed them to stay in.

"Not breaking up. Broke up. It's done."

Charlie blinked in shock, then stepped away from me, brought a hand to his forehead.

"I would never have expected this kind of behavior from you Bella. I just..." He let his arm drop, shook his head. "It's downright cruel, not to mention idiotic."

"Idiotic?" I asked indignantly.

"Yes, idiotic! The boy left you once before and you - "

"It wasn't Edward's fault. He had to leave. It was..." I had no way to make Charlie understand without dipping into the truth. It was hopeless.

"It was a misunderstanding."

Charlie snorted. "A misunderstanding? Okay Bella, well I'll just call my best friend and let him know that my daughter being his son's girlfriend for the last four months was just a _misunderstanding._"

A sob escaped my lips. "Dad, I don't want to... It's not fair to judge..."

But there was no way to finish those sentences. There was nothing I could say.

He was right. I was cruel. I was an idiot.

I knew both of these things and yet I couldn't _turn myself around._

"I'm going to go take a shower." I hurried past him to the stairs, wanting to escape before the floodgates opened again.

"Bella!" He called after me.

I stopped, turned around reluctantly.

"Yeah, Dad?"

"I don't think I need to say this, but I will anyway. That boy is not welcome in this house. Period."

I nodded stiffly.

Then I ran back down the stairs and out the front door, grabbing my keys as I went.

--

I kept looking obsessively in the rear view mirror, but Charlie hadn't followed me. Maybe he was too mad, too disgusted with me to care where I went.

I couldn't blame him if he was. He didn't have all the facts, he didn't know why Edward… And even if he did he would still be disgusted.

Not with Edward, not if he knew the truth.

But with me.

Nothing could absolve me.

I parked my truck about a mile from the Cullens' house and let myself cry. My eyes felt raw and the new tears burned, but it was almost a relief, because I should feel pain, I should feel this pain and so much more. I should -

Jacob had imprinted.

_Imprinted._

My stomach lurched.

Jacob had imprinted on Alex… I didn't even know her last name.

I didn't want to know her last name. I didn't want to know she existed. I wanted to scratch her out of my mind.

I opened the truck door and leaned out. I was in grave danger of throwing up again.

It was guilt. Because he had chosen me and I hadn't chosen him. Because he was so beautiful. So strong.

And it was jealousy. Because he was beautiful and strong and he had imprinted on Alex No-Last-Name.

She was his perfect someone. I had been right all along. I had been right and there she was. The one who was supposed to – who _would_ - mean everything to him.

She was his perfect someone and I was just –

I was _insane_ and _awful._

I sat back in the truck, slammed the door shut.

Why was I doing this? Sitting outside Edward's house, having jealous tears over the boy I just unceremoniously dumped for him?

What was wrong with me?

Why couldn't I just –

Edward was knocking on my window.

I opened the door and fell into his arms.

"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, so sorry." I sobbed against his neck.

"Shh," he soothed, stone arms tightening around me. "You have nothing to be sorry about, love."

I pulled away. "Yes I do! Crying like an idiot when you're back and you do love me after all and I should just be happy and I _am_ happy."

"Things aren't always so simple." He stroked my hair. "It's your friend Jacob, isn't it."

I nodded helplessly. "I'm _sorry._"

Edward's hands cupped my face. "Shh, love."

"He… I let him be too much for me. And then I had to…"

"Oh Bella," He sighed heavily. "I shouldn't have come back. I shouldn't have let you - "

"No!" I objected. "You shouldn't have _left._"

He shook his head. "If I'd stayed away, you would be happy. With him. With someone who can give you… different things."

"I don't want different things," I insisted, wishing my voice wasn't so hoarse. "And anyway, that's where you're wrong. Remember what we were talking about this afternoon? Imprinting? He did that. I mean, that happened to him. With someone else." I tried to smile, felt my cheeks shift stickily under dried and drying tears. "So I wouldn't be happy with him. Whether you were here or not."

Edward peered into my eyes, trying to find my thoughts again.

"Does that make it easier?" He asked softly.

I frowned, swallowed a sob.

"It should, shouldn't it." I nodded slowly. "It will. When he comes to terms with it. It will make things easier. Better."

"Ah," Edward said. "He's resisting her. For you."

Fresh tears spilled from my eyes. I couldn't help it. Not if he was going to state it so bluntly like that.

"He was. He won't anymore. And it wi – " My voice broke. "It will be better. You're right."

--

Time passed. I went home, and though things between Charlie and me were strained, life went on as normal.

A thousand times I wanted to ask him if he knew how Jake was doing. I never dared.

I didn't see Leah at the CC for the rest of the week. She didn't return my calls. I ran from Alex and Kelly in the hallways.

Every afternoon, I drove straight to the Cullens' house. It was my refuge, a place where things became clearer the more I stared into Edward's clear topaz eyes.

I spent every afternoon with him and every afternoon he played for me, his own glorious melodies, while I lay on the couch and watched him.

_Edward_

It was hard to believe he was really here, that everything I'd lost had been so miraculously restored to me.

I'd dreamed of this all the time since he'd left, both waking and sleeping. Now it was real.

And now I realized that in those dreams, I'd never tried to account for Jacob Black. I'd never tried to fit him into my perfection.

I told myself it didn't matter, I didn't need to find a place for him. He had imprinted and sooner or later, he would love her in ways he could never have loved me.

I could stop feeling so guilty when that happened.

But there was another problem. When would I stop _missing_ him?

I had expected to feel sad. I had expected to feel a pang every few weeks when I thought of what he had meant to me, when I thought of that time when he was my sun in a dark Edwardless world.

I hadn't expected to miss him so intensely and so immediately. I hadn't expected to ache inside my joy, just like I hadn't believed I could ever be happy in my unhappiness.

But I had been happy with Jacob.

I could admit that now.

Now that I would never be happy with him again.

--

On Saturday night there was a college party Leah and I had been invited to weeks ago. We'd both said we'd go and I decided to put on a brave face, make an appearance, if only because I hoped Leah would be there and she wouldn't be able to shut me out so easily.

I was standing in the corner, clutching a plastic cup, looking around nervously, nodding at the few familiar faces that flitted by.

And then I saw him.

Jacob was at the other side of the room, back against the wall, his eyes burning into mine.

I almost dropped my cup.

Before I could decide what to do he was obscured. Leah was standing in front of me, her lips in a hard line.

"Hi Bella," she said flatly.

"Hi," I said softly, still reeling from the shock of seeing Jacob here.

"Don't worry, I didn't bring him so he could bother you. Although he probably only came because he thought you might."

"You brought Jacob to a college party? He's…"

"I made him come. I wanted him to spend some time around Alex. It might help him."

"You know? That he…?"

She snorted. "Yes, I know. I knew before you did. He was out running that night. I was out too. I heard him struggle." Her eyes narrowed, tiny muscles in her cheek twitched. "I heard him choose you."

I felt faint. I grabbed the wall with one hand, took a long drink of the fruity concoction in my cup.

Then Leah was walking away, and I couldn't see Jacob behind her anymore.

"Leah?" I called after her. "Wait!"

She kept walking, stepped outside. I followed, found her smoking a cigarette on the pavement.

"What is it, Bella?" She asked sharply.

I clenched my jaw, feeling the first signs of tears. "I just thought you might want to talk to me or something."

Leah took a long drag on her cigarette, eyes on mine the whole time.

"You're right. I do." She cleared her throat, shifted her weight between her feet like a boxer preparing to fight. "Bella, you're not just ditching him you know. You're ditching all of us."

"I – "

She interrupted me, holding up a hand. "Which is fine, really. I mean, I couldn't give a damn. Obviously. But the others will. Sam will be pissed and - "

It was my turn to interrupt her. "Leah, you and I can still be friends."

She shook her head, eyes at the ground now. "No we can't."

My smile faded as quickly as it had bloomed.

"What, because I consort with vampires? Are you just as prejudiced as Billy Black now?"

She still wouldn't look at me. "I don't care that he's a vampire," she said tightly.

"Then why..."

She just dropped her cigarette, squashed it with her boot, turned around and walked back inside.

"Leah!" I hurried inside after her, but she was gone, lost amongst the crowd.


	15. Chapter 15

Eventually I did locate Leah, but she was sitting with Alex and Kelly and I was not about to go and break into that little threesome.

Jacob wasn't with them, but I followed Leah's suddenly curious gaze and…

He was sitting on a couch on the opposite side of the room. With a pretty girl in a tight dress and knee-high boots. She was laughing at something he'd just said and he was smiling at her, looking out from under dark lashes.

They were flirting. And both of them were about as unsubtle with it as I had been on the beach when I had tried to wrangle information out of Jacob so long ago now.

I was fighting two urges. First, the obvious one – the urge to stare openly at them. Second, the slightly more ridiculous urge to saunter over there and ask Jacob how school was and whether he'd done all his trig homework for the week. But something in the way this girl was – I sneaked a glance – _putting her hand on his arm_ made me think she probably wouldn't care whether Jake was in college or not.

I ducked behind a structural beam, poured the remaining liquid in my cup down my throat. I needed to get a hold of myself. Take a few deep breaths and march out the door, across the parking lot, to my truck.

But I couldn't help it. I had to look again.

She was pulling out her cell phone. They were exchanging numbers.

The second urge was unbearably strong again. Except now casual hints about high-school were replaced with 'Oh hey, this guy's a werewolf, did you know that? He could rip your face off at any moment if you piss him off.'

I felt sick.

I set my cup down on top of a speaker and headed for the door, making a mental note never ever to drink the punch at a college party again.

I should have just gone straight to my truck, gone home. But my legs felt weak and I was having trouble breathing. I didn't get far.

I couldn't believe this. I was standing outside, leaning against the side of the building, shaking and crying. Was I ever going to run out of useless tears that I didn't even deserve to shed?

And the worst part was that I _knew_ why I hadn't just gone to my truck. And I hated myself more than ever for it.

I knew that Jacob had seen me leave and I knew that he would follow me.

I waited, wished I wasn't waiting.

"Bella," the familiar husky voice behind me spoke. It felt like I hadn't heard it in months.

I wiped at my eyes quickly, turned around. His face was twisted in a mocking smile.

"What?" I asked, trying to sound fierce, trying to force anger at myself to become anger at him. "Was that about making me jealous?"

He shrugged. "Maybe. Did it work?"

I clenched my fists at my sides, kept my lips pressed tightly together, trying to think of an appropriately cutting way to deny what I knew was true.

"Wait, you don't need to answer that, the crying and the waiting out here to yell at me will do."

I gritted my teeth, air whistled in between them as I breathed in.

"Jacob, my being an idiot is nothing for you to be smug about."

He smirked. "It sort of is when you're being an idiot over me."

"I'm not…" It trailed off into a sort of squeaking sound. I took a deep breath. "Ugh, this is ridiculous. Just go inside and fall in love with Alex, okay?"

Every muscle in his body tightened at that, his eyelids hung heavily, darkly. I shrank from him. I wanted to shrink from myself.

"Just go home and snuggle up to your vampire."

His voice was low and thick, all gravel and tar.

We were both completely still. I was holding my breath and I was pretty sure he was too. I felt rooted to the spot and without my say-so my mind started looping _Step forward step back step forward step back._ I hated it. I hated it because it was an old song and it didn't fit this scene. It didn't fit us anymore.

Jacob's cell-phone buzzed loudly, ripping into the silence between us. I jumped. He answered it immediately.

"Yeah?"

He turned away from me slightly, new angles shifting the shadows on the russet skin of his cheek and neck.

"No, no. I was just talking to – " he hesitated " - someone, but I'm done."

He was done? He'd barely even said anything to me.

"Yeah, I know, I'm outside. Okay, I'll be right there."

He shoved the phone back in his pocket, turned back to me and sighed.

"I have to go, Bella."

"Oh right," I snapped. "Your new friend calls and you go running. Good to know I didn't spend the last few days guilt-tripping myself over your devotion to me. Oh wait."

Jacob rolled his eyes and threw his hands up in the air. "It was Billy. He needs me. Don't try and put this on me, just because I have more than one person that I care about."

I flinched, looked down. "Oh. I assumed, because… You said you were outside."

"He just asked why it was so easy to hear me if I was supposed to be at a party."

"Right," I said, feeling incredibly stupid. "Right."

I shook my head, looked at him again, willing him to understand. "Jake, I don't only care about him, it's just – "

"Oh right! Cullen. Make that two then."

My mouth fell open.

"Were you saying I only care about myself?"

"Would it bother you if I was?"

I could only stare at him in horror.

"Look, I have to get home." His voice was softer now and he half grinned at me. "Let me know how the jealousy turns out."

--

I didn't want to go home. Since Edward had been back I hadn't been letting him climb in my window at night like he used to – Charlie had made his feelings pretty clear and I felt bad enough as it was without adding some more lies into the mix.

It was still early, relatively speaking. Charlie would assume I was still at the party and I was overcome with the need to see Edward, to hold him and tell him I loved him and that I was sorry. Even though he wouldn't want to hear that last part. He never seemed to think I could be sorry for anything and for all my insecurities I was starting to wonder if to him I was as unconditionally flawless as he was to me.

I got in my truck and lay back against the seat closing my eyes. My head was spinning a little and I realized I probably shouldn't drive home or to the Cullens' or anywhere at all.

I called Edward. He was there and knocking on my window way too quickly.

"Okay, you are not driving that fast on the way back."

He smiled. "I didn't drive."

"Oh."

"May I have the keys, Bella?"

--

I was lying on the couch in Edward's room and he was lying with me, arms wrapped tightly around me, securing me against his cold body. As blissful as it was to be near him, I sort of felt like the Michelin Man. He'd made me put on three jumpers and wrap a blanket around my legs first. It was November after all.

The plan was that I stay with him long enough to sober up so that I could drive myself home. Edward would have driven me home himself, but neither of us felt very comfortable with him being on Charlie's property at all, especially late at night, especially taking me home from a party that had been about Leah, not him.

He was humming softly in my ear and it was so hypnotic, so lulling that I was beginning to worry that I would just fall asleep.

He stopped for a moment to whisper "You can rest, Bella. I'll wake you and make sure you get home."

I yawned, exhausted from tears and confrontation. "Won't you get bored?"

"No. I've missed this. More than you can imagine." He chuckled softly. "Besides, you're very entertaining, you know, even in slumber."

I groaned. "Promise me you'll wake me up if I start embarrassing myself."

He laughed again. "I promise."

"Hmm. Liar."

He resumed his humming, I drifted off.

--

Jacob steps behind the laurel tree.

We're talking without talking again.

_When you can't see me, I don't exist._

I frown.

_But I_ can _see you. You're too big and the trunk is too full of holes._

_Turn around then, Bella. _

He sighs and it goes on forever. Suddenly I'm facing the other way.

_I can't Jake, I can't turn myself around._

He steps out from behind the tree, eyes dark and too beautiful.

I can't see him but she tells me, she tells me.

_Why not? Why can't you turn yourself around?_

_You know why. I don't have a ch-_

--

When Edward woke me I was sobbing.

"Bella, wake up love. It's just a nightmare."

His hand ran up and down my heavily padded arm, he whispered "Shh now."

When I calmed down enough to remember pieces of the dream I froze.

"What did I say?"

He stroked my hair. "Nothing really. Something about a tree. The name Gregor Samsa, which amused me. You said 'I don't care' a few times."

I swallowed. There was relief that I hadn't said Jacob's name. And there was anguish as the dream became clearer in my mind, clearer and sharp like knives.

"Edward? Do you think love can… Do you think it can ever be wrong?"

He started to answer but I interrupted him.

"No, not wrong. That's not what I mean, really. I mean… being in love. Do you think that can be… selfish?"

"I wonder, should I be laughing at that?"

"What? No. Why?" My brow furrowed in confusion.

His arms tightened around me for a moment and then he sighed.

"My love for you is all selfishness."

I wriggled around so I could see his face.

"Okay, explain that one to me. I'm intrigued."

"Isn't it obvious? I should never have tried to make you mine at all. I knew it would lead to disaster, but I didn't care. My desires, my need for you won out over all else and that is pure selfishness."

I stared into his golden eyes for a moment, sick at the thought that he reproached himself for needing me, that he could think he was selfish when he was just the opposite. I pressed my lips gently to his.

"That doesn't feel disastrous, does it?"

The crooked smile clutched at my heart. "No. This part is the trade-off," he murmured, kissing me deeply, his lips lingering on mine afterward.

"That was an interesting question, Bella." He kept his brilliant eyes on me, like he was trying to look into me, into my heart. "Is something bothering you?"

I shook my head, trying to shake my pain away.

"No."

It was a lie.


	16. Chapter 16

Leah was back on campus the next week, but she avoided me like the plague and she did it mostly by forcing me to avoid her. That is to say, she spent all her time around Alex.

Sometimes I would walk past them when they were deep in conversation and it would absolutely kill me to be so out of the loop. What were they talking about? Sam? Emily?

Jacob?

Did Alex know yet? Had he told her? Had he…

Whenever I got to that point I forced my thoughts to shut down, hurried around a corner.

_Breathe in, breathe out. That's all. Just breathe in, breathe out._

I hated not knowing what was going on. I hated having no one I could ask.

At one point I came perilously close to asking Edward to break our off-limits rule, come stand outside my house and read Charlie's thoughts while I casually brought up Billy.

But I breathed and waited and the moment passed. Soon I was talking about something else, relieved that I hadn't sunk to that level, not quite. I wasn't quite as selfish as Jacob thought I was, not quite.

Weeks passed and I still missed him. I ached even as I laughed fondly at Alice's enthusiasm for, well, everything, even as I smiled into the heaven of Edward's kiss.

_Living is hard. Living is easy. I'm happy. I'm sad._

I was all made up of contradictory certainties again.

And I was dreaming all the time. Laurel trees, silver pins, insects, salt, a smooth hill. It was always the same things, rearranged endlessly.

--

Christmas.

Charlie had insisted we cook a whole turkey. I had tried to reason with him, reminding him that after Thanksgiving we'd been living off leftovers for a week and he'd sworn he'd never eat another turkey sandwich as long as he lived. But it was no use. We had to have it all – the decorations, the tree, the carols and the damn bird.

I wasn't entirely surprised when he turned out to have an ulterior motive. On Christmas night I was sent around to Billy's with the masses of food we hadn't been able to consume. Charlie had made sure to have plenty of nog with plenty of rum in it so that he couldn't possibly be the one to drive over.

I walked up to the front door, praying that Jacob wouldn't be there, the stupid part of me that longed to see him hoping that he would.

He answered the door. Of course he was there. Christmas night for a family of two. I knew how that worked and it didn't involve the child going out to parties while the parent stayed home.

"Bella," He said sharply, the surprise on his face fading as he took in the tray in my hands. It was piled with food.

"Hey," I said nervously, extending it to him. "Can you help me with this? There's more I need to get out of the truck."

He nodded, took the tray and disappeared inside.

I walked back to the truck on dangerous feet, shaking a little, heard him call out something to Billy, and then he was there, taking the other two pots from me.

He headed back to the door, turned as he stepped over the threshold. "I'll be right back," he said and I knew that it meant 'Wait for me, please.'

So I waited, apprehension fluttering in my throat, kicked at the sludge a recent snowfall had left behind.

He was back quickly, rushed out the door, slowed a few paces away from me, stopped.

"How are you?" I asked, hating the inanity of the question.

He didn't answer, just asked me the same question.

I swallowed. "What can I say?"

He spread his arms wide, eyebrows raised comically. "Merry Christmas?"

I blinked in surprise, then grinned at his expression, stumbled toward him and sort of fell against him, letting him hug me tightly.

_He was so warm._

"Merry Christmas," I whispered.

He breathed heavily into my hair. "Oh Bella. I miss you."

"I miss you too, Jake. So much. And I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry about all of this."

"I know," he said sadly. "And I'm sorry I can't just deal with it like… It's just that… Bells, honey I thought…" he murmured all of this in my ear, before slowly loosening his hold on me. Jacob looked down into my eyes and the aching in his overwhelmed me. "I thought you..." He was struggling for a way to say it without saying it. "I thought you at least wanted me."

I stared up into his face, my gaze flickering across his high cheekbones, to the hard line of his jaw, suddenly too aware that my hands were pressed flat against his chest. I felt his heart beat under my fingers and a warm shock ran through me.

"I do," I whispered.

He almost-smiled, eyes lightening just the tiniest bit. "Then have me." He leaned down, brushed his lips against mine, sighed.

I knew I should have pulled away, or at the very least kept completely still. But he stayed too close for too long and something broke in me. I caught his lower lip between mine and that was all it took. He was kissing me hard, the muscles of his arms rippling, surging like waves around me as he pressed us closer together.

And I was kissing him back. It felt impossible not to, like this was some kind of topsy-turvy world where I needed to be crushed against Jacob to breathe. Things inside me were unlocking, slipping apart, some tearing roughly, and I felt opened, exposed now, my body, my being, both raw under his large hands.

It was so familiar, yet so strange, like another girl entirely was letting her fingers drift up, was clinging to his broad, strong shoulders, while he ran his lips along her neck. Like another girl entirely was gasping "Jake, I want you," far too many times and -

_one time is too many, this is far too many times_

- and I could feel his body tremble against me at the words, I could make him shake with my _words_, and I could hear that he was murmuring a low reply to each gasp, "Have me, just have me"

A soft half-chuckle in my ear. "Have _just_ me."

I stiffened, suddenly upright and brittle, remembering the other Bella. The one who didn't want to gasp and claw for air. The one who didn't want to breathe at all.

He pulled away from me, disappointment dripping from him like he was soaked in it.

"Thought that might bring you back to your senses."

He took a step back from me, and as the burning in the pit of my stomach subsided, the full horror of what I'd just done began to descend on me. I felt like I might crumble under the weight of it.

"Going to hurry back to him now?" Jacob's voice was bitter, the smile I loved was more of a sneer.

I couldn't answer him, I couldn't make words come out of this treacherous mouth. I could only stare and feel the sickness creeping into my features.

Jacob sucked in a breath, sort of a reverse sigh. He shook his head, turned and started to walk back to the house.

"Jake, wait." I called weakly after him, not sure what I would say if he did stop. He didn't give me a chance to put some useless words together.

"What?! Do you want to use me some more before you go and say sorry to him? Get your money's worth?"

I blinked rapidly. My hands were shaking at my sides.

I was a little stunned by this. I knew what I'd done, what I'd let him do, was wrong on so many levels. Of course I hated myself for it.

But Jacob was _yelling_ at me, and the anger in his eyes, the dark eyes that had always looked at me with so much…

It felt like the ground was tilting.

And then he was gone and the door was shut.

--

It was raining hard now. It seemed like when my tears had dried up, the sky had taken over.

I was driving to Edward's house, cold dry stones in my gut.

I had to tell him. I had to tell him and face the consequences. It was the only way I could live with myself.

I closed my eyes when I knocked at the door, opened them when I heard the click of the handle.

"Edward, I – "

It was Rosalie.

"Rosalie," I tried to smile, but she was intimidating at the best of times.

"Bella," she said simply. Then she just stood there, holding the door, looking at me.

I looked down, stammered "I- Is… Is Edward home?"

She waited a moment before answering. "Yes."

She was just _looking_ again.

"Can I talk to him?"

Another pause. "Yes."

She turned around to call out but Edward was already there.

"Bella," he smiled, stepping toward me. He took my hand to lead me inside.

"Um, no." I said awkwardly. "Can we go outside?"

Rosalie gave us a curious look before slinking away. Edward asked me if I was sure, pointed out that it was very cold. I insisted and he shut the front door behind us.

"Are you alright, Bella?" he asked, concerned eyes searching my face.

That only made it harder to speak.

I swallowed twice, fought the urge to take a deep breath. That might have made me throw up.

"Bella?" Edward asked again.

I forced my eyes to his.

"I kissed him, Edward," I said it as evenly as I could, feeling my chest start to quiver in anticipation of tears. I had to rush the next part before I started sobbing. "I'm so sorry and I'm sorry for being here but I had to tell you and I'm leaving now so you won't have to look at me."

I turned to walk away, catching the pain in his eyes for a second only. But I knew that a second was enough to rip at my heart forever.

Edward reached out and touched my shoulder lightly. He didn't grab my arm, didn't pull at me. Just touched my shoulder lightly and asked me to wait.

"Bella, is that what you want? To leave and… and be with him?" His voice was all sadness and resignation.

I stood completely still, taking in the significance of his question.

"No Edward, I want you."

I closed my eyes, turned around, opened them again. "I only want you."

He held my gaze for a few seconds, then laughed a little, hung his head, reaching out at the same time to touch my face with his cold fingers. "I wish I was stronger than this. I can't help feeling so relieved."

"Relieved? That I…" I shook my head in disbelief. "But Edward, you… you can't want me. Not now that I…" I stepped closer to him, whispering now. "Edward I'm a horrible person."

He raised an eyebrow. His smooth hand was still on my face. "You? No."

I rolled my eyes. "How can you – "

He interrupted me gently. "It's not your fault, love. When I left it was hard for you to let go – "

"I didn't – "

"And it's hard for you again now."

"Edward, this isn't the same as – "

"I am the horrible one, Bella, not you," he said firmly, placing his other hand on my shoulder. "I shouldn't be letting you let go of him."

I shook my head. I wanted to argue with that ridiculous statement but I was still too floored by his attitude in general to form coherent thoughts.

When I could speak there was only one question.

"Edward, how can you not be angry with me?"

My eyes were bulging in what I'm sure was a very unattractive way, but at least I was too shocked now for sobbing.

He smiled, stroked my cheek. "You haven't done anything wrong, love."

"How can you say that?! I kissed someone who wasn't you." I looked down. "A lot." I could feel my shoulders shake. The reprieve from tears hadn't lasted long.

Edward just pulled me into his arms.

"It's a mess, I know, but it's not your fault." He kissed my hair. "And it doesn't matter what you do, Bella. You're my only love. Nothing can change that."

I leaned into his embrace.

Edward wanted me. He still wanted me. He still loved me just as perfectly, just as absolutely as before. Nothing had changed. I was safe.

I found myself sobbing into his shirt.


	17. Chapter 17

I had vaguely hoped that things might be different after that day, that the all the shame of transgression, all the relief of being loved regardless, would have changed me, changed my heart.

I had hoped that things would be clearer. But it was all the same. All contradictories, all certainties. The same dreams, the same ache, the same guilt.

Edward was my only solace.

Somewhere along the line college had become boring or painful or both. I had taken to skipping my classes, sitting on a bench in the park across the road doing absolutely nothing.

I didn't want to be around people. And people didn't really care whether I was around them anymore. All the friends I'd been starting to make had settled firmly into their roles as acquaintances.

It was like nobody saw me anymore. But I knew it was really that I wasn't seeing them. For months now I had been like a tiny child, closing my eyes to hide.

_When you can't see me, I don't exist_

--

One day in late January, Jacob called me out of the blue and said he wanted to talk and face to face. I was hesitant at first, but he sounded so calm and at ease that I began to think – no, hope – that what he wanted to talk about involved Alex rather than me. I hoped that he wanted to talk to me to tell me he had let go, given in. Then I could stop feeling so awful, things could get better, it could all be easier.

I refused to acknowledge the other feelings I was having.

I agreed to come see him, adding "I'll have to speak to Edward first though."

That didn't seem to phase him. "Sure, sure. Do whatever you have to. I'll be in the garage all afternoon."

I made sure I did speak to Edward before going anywhere. I couldn't afford not to be completely open with him about anything concerning Jacob now. He may have taken my betrayal in his stride, but I knew it had hurt him. It had to have hurt him badly. I didn't want to give him anything more to worry about – such as finding out from someone else that I'd been to La Push.

I explained to him that Jacob only wanted to talk to me about something and that from the way he'd sounded on the phone, I was hoping he wanted to tell me that he'd moved on, that he'd accepted his feelings for Alex.

Edward was supportive as always, encouraged me to go, said I needn't have asked his permission. But I could see the doubt in his eyes, the slightest hint of fear.

I kissed him, then I kissed him again harder.

"I love you, Edward. I'll come back still loving you just the same. I promise."

I meant it. My voice was firm.

--

I had been hopeful when I'd left The Cullens' house hadn't I? Cautiously optimistic?

It seemed like the moment I'd crossed the boundary line those _other_ feelings had taken over and I wasn't so much hopeful anymore as I was scared, anticipating an emptiness now rather than peace.

Jacob turned, smiled when I walked into the garage. His hair was long again now, down to his shoulders, and it fell around his face like black satin. I was reminded of that first time I'd come here with the motorcycles, when I'd been a broken thing and he'd smiled so impossibly wide, forcing me to smile back.

Without saying a word, he handed me a can of warm soda and I couldn't help but laugh a little. It was one of those laugh-or-cry moments.

I sat down in the rusted wrought iron chair in the corner of the garage, he sat on the hood of the rabbit.

"Hi," I said simply.

He opened his soda, took a sip. "Same to you."

And then he just sat there, looking at me, an unreadable expression on his face.

I began to feel uncomfortable under his unbroken gaze, smiled nervously, spoke.

"So… I'm really sorry about the last time we saw each other. That was awful."

He chuckled. "Aw, it wasn't all awful. The kissing part was nice."

Blushing, however irritating and inappropriate, was inevitable for me in these situations. I looked down, let my hair fall over my face. "It was a mistake."

Peeping out from behind my protective curtain, I saw him nodding. "Okay, a nice mistake."

Then he was just silent again, sipping his soda. I could feel his eyes on me again.

I was going to have to take control of this situation or we'd sit here all day and I would die of embarrassment.

I cleared my throat, tucked my hair behind my ear. "So… what did you want to talk about?"

He smiled softly. "Well actually I mostly wanted you to talk."

I blinked, taking that in. Then I felt myself sigh, half in relief, half in frustration. This wasn't about Alex.

"Um well… about what?" I asked, even though I was pretty sure I knew the answer.

He was still smiling at me, still completely composed.

"I want you to explain to me why you chose him."

I groaned inwardly.

How the hell was I supposed to do that?

"Jake, I didn't – "

He interrupted me, holding up his hands and squeezing his eyes shut while he spoke. "And don't tell me you didn't have a choice, because we both know that's crap. There was him, there was me. You can't say there was no choice. That doesn't make any sense."

His arms returned to his sides, his eyes opened. I tried to speak evenly.

"Love isn't supposed to make sense. And I love him, Jake. That's just the way it is."

He nodded slowly. "Okay. Fair enough. My turn. I know you don't want to hear this. And you can think I'm wrong or arrogant or whatever. I don't care. You love me too, Bella."

_Oh God._

I brought my hands up to cover my face. Tears were on their way. I took a few breaths to steady myself, trying to think what to say to that, before I let my hands drop back to my lap.

"Maybe, but it's not the same. With Edward it's… It just _is._ And that's what love is, you don't get a ch – "

Jake stood up too quickly, startling me.

"Oh yes you do. That's exactly what you get. Love is a choice you make every day." His voice shook, shattering the illusion of calm.

"All that other stuff, all that stuff you feel for _him._ That's just trying to fill yourself up with someone else, because you think they're better than you or something." He chuckled darkly. "Did you fail your psych final after all, Bella?"

I was far too distressed now to even be offended by the stupid joke. I just shook my head, tried to swallow the lump in my throat.

I stood up. I felt too small when he was standing and I was sitting.

"I love him, Jacob."

His eyes held mine for a long moment and there was a fierceness in them, like he was struggling with something, trying to tear it apart.

"Maybe you do." The muscles in his neck and jaw clenched, unclenched. "I know you do. But that's not what this whole thing is about. You don't _love_ him any more than you love _me._"

"Then why can't I live without him?"

Jacob opened his mouth to speak, closed it. He sort of laughed.

"How can you say... That's just not true, you - "

"I've been living just fine without you."

I'd told the lie before I could stop myself. I wished I hadn't.

Jacob's smooth, proud face crumpled. He let his head hang low. So low I couldn't see him.

Sheer panic crept up out of nowhere. I saw Seth Clearwater smash his mother's vases. Edward slid out of the shadows. Jacob stepped behind the laurel tree.

He was hiding from me now, too. He was hiding from me and I had to see him.

"Jake?" I breathed.

He looked back up at me and I was searching immediately, searching his face and finding _mine._ The heavy eyes, ringed with restlessness, they were mine. Suddenly it was so clear to me that this was my face when Edward had left. And I wasn't Leah anymore, Jacob was.

I was Sam. Jacob had imprinted, but I was Sam. That was why Leah couldn't even look at me. I had thought it was just that Jacob had done for me what Sam hadn't been able to do for her. That I was being given her dream and casting it aside.

But it was more than that.

Leah couldn't look at me because I was the one breaking someone's heart, someone I _loved_, over... Over what could only be called a quasi-physical need, some mysterious, almost frightening compulsion to be Edward's and to have him be mine.

"But..." I croaked out, whispered the rest "... why don't you want her?"

It took him a long time to answer.

"I want her. My _body_ wants her."

When he admitted that his eyes flashed with a feral rage.

But he stepped toward me, his expression shifting and settling softly, painfully.

"But I'm in _love_ with you. Always, Bella. I _choose_ you."

I was crying now, but quietly. Silent salt sliding along my skin.

"Jake you can choose me. I don't know how or _why._ But you can choose me all you want and it won't matter."

That hurt him. He recoiled and it was instinctive, animalistic, it came from the wolf. He dipped his head, looked up at me from under heavy lashes.

"It'll matter to me," he said in a low, dark voice.

My eyes widened. In that moment I knew. I knew that he meant it. Whether he had me or not, he wouldn't have Alex. He'd rather have nothing.

I was ripped in two, half of me singing because this was my Jacob and he loved me _that much. _

The rest of me bubbled sickly with guilt and horror.

I had to do something to fix this. I had to try.

"Jake listen to me, please." I stepped toward him, placed a hand on his cheek, another one on his shoulder, high up, so high up, faintly aware that by touching him I was making my next words deeply ironic. "You have to let me go."

"No I don't. That's the whole point." He grabbed hold of the hand that was at his cheek, stepped toward me, leaned down so far his forehead almost touched mine. "I don't have to love her. And I don't have to let you go."

I shifted my head, stared up into his eyes as he stared down into mine with an intensity that took my breath away.

Something he'd once said flashed irrationally through my mind.

_It's hard to resist that level of commitment and adoration._

It didn't belong. I wasn't the one he'd imprinted on. It didn't belong and yet it _fit._

He was talking again. Saying more terrifying, lovely things.

"I'm never going to let you go. Never. Not to him, not to _that existence._ You'll have to rip yourself away from me, Bella."

I was shaking, my lip quivered, tears fell on our joined hands. "I can't."

Jacob's eyes became soft at that. He leaned in, pressed his warm cheek to mine.

"Oh Bells,"

_I can't do it, I can't do it, I can't do it I can't - _

I tried to yank my hand from his.

"No, I want to. I only meant... You're so much stronger than me, Jacob."

His head snapped back, face twisted in shock.

I forced my eyes away from his.

There. I'd hurt him with that. I knew I'd done it. I'd really sliced him up inside, and God, it was like I could feel the blood from the wound spreading through my own body.

Slowly, slowly he released my hand, backed away, fell heavily against the far wall.

His cheek was pressed against the bricks, he was staring off to the right at nothing.

"I can't win with you. I have to try, but... I won't win with you."

It almost sounded like a question and something monstrous inside me wanted to offer words of encouragement.

_Don't give up, don't let go, you're so close, I can almost turn myself around now._

But it wasn't true. It wasn't true so I couldn't say it.

"Can I have one thing?" he asked in a low voice.

His dark eyes were on my face. I desperately wanted to answer his question with _Anything_ even though I knew how absurd that would be.

I just nodded.

"Promise me you won't let him change you."

I answered immediately, my voice strong.

"I promise."

We both exhaled. His breath said _Thank you._

Without really understanding it, I had promised Jacob Black my life.


	18. Chapter 18

I didn't see Jacob again after that. We couldn't be friends.

But we weren't enemies, either. I knew he wasn't angry anymore.

I had hugged him before I'd left the garage. We had held onto each other for a long time and it had been sad and warm and full of everything we meant to each other, and when I'd pulled away from him, it had felt like a tear.

I remembered his words.

_You'll have to rip yourself away from me._

--

Life went on. I forced myself to start attending classes again, but more often than not I found myself zoning out and forty-five minutes of quality learning time were sucked into the ever-present void.

I was still largely oblivious to people. They were largely oblivious to me.

I had thought that the dreams at least would stop, or lessen, or just morph into something new. But they didn't. They were the same, only everything was doused in a sort of a summer haze. Everything was yellowed and far away now.

Everything except Edward. He was _here_, I reminded myself. That strange, sensitive, ethereally lovely boy who had made Forks heaven for me when it should have been hell… he was here again and he loved me. He would always love me, I knew it.

And I would always love him.

And then there was Alice. Alice helped too, with her laughter and her endless goodwill. We had always been close, sort of automatically bonded to each other, but I noticed that she was particularly attentive to me in the weeks following that last conversation with Jacob, like she knew that I needed the distraction. Like she knew I needed a friend.

Alice was all the friend I needed, I told myself. And she would have been, if I'd never cornered Leah Clearwater and forced her into my heart.

She still didn't speak to me, didn't look at me unless it was an accident.

The worst thing about losing Leah's friendship was knowing that I deserved it, knowing that it wasn't some werewolf prejudice that had made her turn away from me.

I'd smashed the very thing I'd worked so hard to build up in her. She had trusted me. I knew she'd never admit it, but she had. And I had betrayed her. I had taken Sam's side, told her he was right, told her she was Jacob and Jacob was dead weight.

I hoped that one day she would understand that I hadn't wanted to hurt her. I hoped that one day she would forgive me.

--

Life went on. For about a month.

Life went on until Edward and I took a walk in the woods and he said "I'm leaving," shook his head as though he didn't quite understand his own words, added a tortured "Again."

_I wonder, should I be laughing at that?_

I did laugh. Loud, harsh, sharp.

He winced.

I waited.

"I won't lie to you this time, Bella." He took my face in his cold smooth hands and I shivered, because I had been frozen already.

The air had suddenly become glacial.

But Edward's eyes were warm, liquid gold when he said "I love you. Only you. And there will never be anything else for me."

I couldn't believe this. I literally could not allow myself to believe that this conversation was happening.

I gritted my teeth.

"Yes, I know that. It's the same for me. It's also why it doesn't make sense for you to leave. "

He shook his head, his lips curled upward but it couldn't be called a smile.

"On the contrary, it's the only course of action that does make sense."

I was trying to catch my breath. I couldn't quite get it. Trying to –

"Alice sees us, Bella. She's sees us suffer. She sees you unhappy, regretful."

"What?" I laughed, snorted really, and it was tinged with hysteria. "Well obviously it wasn't just the wolves screwing with her fortune telling ability. Tell her to look again."

He shook his head sadly. "She has. For weeks, she's been looking, hoping it would change. She didn't want to tell me, but I pieced it together from what she let slip in her mind."

"Um, okay, well maybe you pieced wrong because – "

He interrupted me. "No. She told me in the end. She told me and I felt it in her too. I felt your suffering, Bella, and it was more than I could bear."

"What? But that's just _ridiculous._ I could never…" My whole body was shaking now. I stepped away from Edward but it didn't help. Long icy shudders still ripped through me over and over.

_Why is it suddenly so cold?_

"How does Alice know what I _felt_ anyway? Private mind, remember? She has no idea, she can't… It must be something else. I'm pretending to be miserable. Right? That's it. I'm pretending. For a joke. Or because there's a threat. I'm pretending."

"No," he said again, simply, firmly. "She can feel what I feel."

I held my breath for a few seconds.

"And… you're unhappy?" I forced it out of my mouth. It tasted sick. "With me?"

"Only because you are," he said quickly, his beautiful face twisting like the idea was as disgusting to him as it was to me. He stepped toward me again and took me in his arms. "Only because of that."

I was choking rather than breathing. He was kissing my hair over and over.

"Listen to me." He said. "I'd do anything for you. You know that."

I nodded against him as tears began to soak his shoulder.

"So _stay._"

He sighed heavily, pulled back to look into my eyes.

What I saw in his took my breath and turned it into a sob, a kind of scratched, wet hiccup that seemed to come from someone else.

"I would do anything for you, Bella, except let you suffer."

I couldn't say anything. Couldn't move.

But then he started to release me, step away, and my body shifted on auto-pilot, my hands quickly grabbed onto his shirt.

"No. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no because I'm suffering _now._" I half-screamed the last part. I was pulling at his shirt so hard I swore I heard a tear.

He didn't move at all though, just whispered "Not like you will if I let myself keep you."

"How the hell do you know!" I choked out. "You can't read me, Edward. You don't know what I'm feeling. This, right now, it's it's… It's worse than anything in… It's…"

There were no words. The agony could not be spoken. It was too huge, it was _everywhere._ My knees, my lips, my sides, my _fingertips_ ached with it.

Edward was so still, so quiet. "I do know. I know because I feel it too."

I felt my eyes narrow. "No you don't," I spat contemptuously. "You don't feel it because if you did you wouldn't be able to just leave."

I knew it wasn't fair. It wasn't fair to say he didn't feel what I felt just because he was stronger, wiser, kinder than me. It wasn't fair. But what did that matter? I wasn't interested in being fair anymore. I was desperate. I knew I would try anything to keep him here. Cruelty, lies, total self-humiliation… I didn't care. As long as he _stayed._

But then even as I planned and plotted, even as my mind groped feverishly for what to say next, I knew it wouldn't matter. Edward was going to turn around and walk away from me and nothing I could say would change it. I knew this because I knew that he would never, ever have said those words to me –

_I'm leaving… again_

- unless there was truly no other way.

--

And he did leave.

He kissed me, held me to his body again, a long embrace that felt like a flash of light in darkness.

He told me there was only me, forever. The knowledge that I was alive, that I might someday be happy was all he would live on.

Then he left and I sat down on the ground and waited.

I waited to be able to speak, to be able to move.

I waited.

--

Alice found me this time, but it was easier for her than it had been for Sam Uley. I hadn't moved and even if I had, she would have been able to see where I had gone.

I hated her. I hated Alice Cullen.

She sat down beside me.

"He said he told you the truth this time?" She asked softly.

I nodded, but it felt more like my whole body swayed.

Alice sighed. "Well he didn't, not the whole truth. But I will."

My eyes widened and I felt my heart rate pick up.

_Hope._

If there were more things to be heard then there was still hope. I could find something, anything, the tiniest flaw in the logic of the argument. I could make Edward see that he was wrong, that leaving wasn't the only thing that made sense, that it didn't make sense at all, that I would –

Alice was speaking again.

_Alice._

_My friend. My destroyer. _

My gut churned.

"Bella whenever I've looked for your future, I've always seen you becoming one of us, a vampire."

She smiled sadly, fondly at me. I looked away.

"And I saw us the happiest of families. All of us. I couldn't see you really, because you were different. Your new face was out of my reach, but it didn't matter because I could see Edward's joy, I could see his brilliant smiles and that's how I knew. I knew that we were all…"

Silence tried to settle between us in the pause.

"But now I see a different path, one in which you remain human."

I swallowed thickly, my head turned slowly back to look at Alice.

_Can I have one thing?_

My heart had already been beating too fast, but now it started to pound. My head felt light.

"You're human in the future now Bella and I can see you so clearly and it's… there's too much pain."

"You don't know what too much is, you – "

"I'm _sorry,_" She whispered. "I wanted to lie, I wished I could keep it to myself and make it go away. I _tried_ to, but I couldn't look at Edward without thinking, without feeling... It was no use."

I stared at her in some kind of bitter awe.

"You knew. You knew all this time. That's why you were so… You were trying to fix it."

She nodded. "Yes, I suppose so. I tried, but nothing touched you, nothing changed. Every time I looked I could still see you right up to the end and..." She broke off, closed her eyes for a moment. "And you regret it Bella. My heart breaks as I say this, but it's true. You regret your time with us."

Tears were streaming down my cheeks again now.

"But I don't understand. I couldn't regret Edward. Not ever. I _couldn't_ Alice. Please say you know that."

"Not when you had forever, no. But now… I think it's just too hard. Being with us but not like us. I think it's just too hard."

"Too hard? No. _This_ is too hard. And it doesn't matter. I'll be different now that I know. I'll work on myself, I'll work through it."

"Bella…"

"Alice, how about this, how about this, okay? Okay. Okay." I took in a deep breath. "I promise not to regret it. _I promise._"

She started to shake her head, "Bella, you – "

I grabbed her arm, shook it uselessly. "And if I do! If I do, the moment I do, I promise to leave, I _promise_ to let him go and leave."

_I promise, I promise, I promise._

Alice sighed. "But you won't, Bella. You can't. You'll never leave him while he's still holding onto you. We both know that. You'll never let go no matter how you hurt. You have to understand, that's what he can't take."

I just sobbed, though I wanted so badly to argue with that.

"Bella, I wish there was a way, I really do.

"But there _has to be._" I breathed. "He's everything to me, Alice."

Alice cocked her head to one side, looked searchingly into my eyes. "Is he?"

"What?" I asked. I was floored. It killed me that she would question that. "How can you… Of course, Alice."

"Then what made you change your mind," she asked gently.

"I didn't change my – "

"About becoming a vampire,' she clarified.

I looked down, pulled my hand away from her arm.

_Promise me you won't let him change you._

_I promise._

I couldn't speak. Tears dripped emptily down to my chest.

Alice stood and I stood with her, suddenly grabbing her arm again, clinging to her.

"It doesn't matter. I don't care about the promise. I don't care. I'm changing it back. My mind. Right now, I'm changing it back." I babbled all of this quickly in a high thin voice. "I want to be turned. You can do it, Alice. Do it now. I want to – "

She put her hand on my cheek and for a second I felt Edward's touch.

I closed my eyes, heard a tiny squeak come out of my mouth where the rest of my sentence should have been.

"You can't force yourself to change, Bella. Not like this."

I opened my eyes. Alice looked straight at me but she was faraway, wistful.

"You can't force it." She repeated. "But know that if you ever do change your mind… In a year, even in eighty years... Edward will be there."

She smiled the kind of smile that went with tears.

"And I will be standing by his side."


	19. Chapter 19

When the Cullens left, I followed them. At least I hoped I was following them.

I went home, packed a bag, left an unsatisfactory note for Charlie – 'I love you, I'll be back' - and took my truck all the way to the airport in Seattle, where I proceeded to blow a large proportion of my savings on a ticket to Alaska.

Then I turned off my cell and waited for seven hours, hiding in the toilets in case someone came looking for me.

It took me three and a half days to actually get to Denali and a week of asking people if they knew Tanya, Laurent, Jean-Valérie Velay, to find the clan.

When I got an address I went there, no hesitation.

I knocked, waited, gasped involuntarily.

The woman who opened the door to the sprawling brick house was _so_ beautiful. She might even have been more exquisite than Rosalie.

"Yes?" She asked politely, topaz eyes sparkling.

She wore no makeup. Nothing. Something we had in common.

But that was where the comparisons ended.

She was tall, willowy, her skin was bone white, her lips a dusty pink. Dark gold eyelashes curled of their own volition, strawberry blonde curls hovered around her shoulders like they were made of silk and air.

It took me a moment to stop gaping and start speaking.

"Are you… I mean, I'm… looking for Tanya."

She smiled at my stammering.

"I am Tanya. And what is your name?"

"I… Oh, I'm sorry. It's Bella. Bella Swan."

"Oh!" Her eyes widened. "I see. Bella Swan of Washington."

She extended a hand and I hesitated before taking it and gripping it briefly with a nervous attempt at a smile. She was ice-cold of course.

"It's funny you should be here now. We had a visitor from your neck of the woods just yesterday – "

My heart started to pound.

_Edward was here. Edward was here and he's gone and you're too late and -_

" – and a werewolf no less."

"What?" I asked weakly, shoulders slumping, brow furrowing in confusion.

She frowned, as though she was confused now too. "A werewolf. He seemed to think you knew all about them."

"I don't… I mean I do, but…" I shook my head, trying to order my thoughts. "Jacob was here?"

"Jacob Black? No, though I have heard about him. This one's name was Sam." Tanya smirked prettily. "He came to give us a talking to about our open door policy with our members. He's the bossy sort all right, but also quite, shall we say, _lovely._" She pressed her perfect lips together, wrinkled her small nose. "It's a shame about the smell."

"What smell?" I asked absently. My mind was still spinning, still trying to cope with all her words.

_Not a Cullen. Not Jacob. Just Sam. _

Tanya laughed like silver raindrops.

"Oh I'm sure they smell just fine to you. After all, you're not a vampire, you're a human being."

_I'm not a vampire, I'm a human being._

"The Cullens…"

It was all I could manage to get out.

Tanya smiled broadly, raised her eyebrows.

"Yes, our mutual friends. We haven't had the pleasure of their company for some months now. They left in such a rush too. I gather it had something to do with that little stunt our French Canadian friend pulled." She sighed heavily, her expression apologetic. "It's not easy, you know. You can lead a horse to water, but I suppose, sometimes… he'll still drink human blood."

I was barely listening now. They weren't here. No one was here except me, Bella the Human Being and this stunning creature who might have some kind of a crush on Sam.

Tanya invited me in, but I shook my head no, thanked her for talking to me.

I left that house, but I didn't leave Denali. I couldn't leave. It was the only place I knew of that Edward visited. And even though Alice could probably see me here, and even though my knowing about this place meant they would probably never come here again or at least not until I was…

_Not until I was dead and buried._

Even though I knew it was more than likely pointless to stay, I couldn't leave. I had to wait for them.

It was all I could do.

--

I went back to see Tanya the next day with a letter for Edward. Someone else - her name was Irina and she was darker-haired and also terrifyingly beautiful - took the letter and promised to give it to Tanya for me, who in turn would pass it on to Edward if he visited. I couldn't give her an address because I didn't have one yet, other than a room at a motel I was clearing out of later that day. It didn't matter. Edward would find me.

_If he chose to look._

I was glad that the letter was carefully sealed to protect it against intruding eyes. Just because these Denali people didn't eat humans, didn't mean they were above a little snooping.

And there was no denying that this letter was extremely embarrassing.

It was essentially three pages of shameless begging and flowery declarations of love, in which I swore at least six times that I had changed my mind about being turned, even though it didn't feel true.

_Not yet, not yet. But it will. You just have to wait and he'll be here and Alice too. Not yet. Just wait. Not yet._

--

I waited.

I worked at a supermarket, restocking shelves, carrying the stepladder around with me everywhere because I was so short.

I rented a room in a house with an overly friendly couple who tried to get me to come to church with them every Sunday.

I cried every night when I should have been sleeping.

When I did sleep I dreamed of knotted trees, seawater, blood and popping sounds, Charlie in the kitchen, Jacob's hiding smile, then Alice's wicked one, thick silver pins, insects begging to crawl and Edward, _Edward._

I dreamed Edward's tears over and over and I woke up to my own.

I waited.

--

Months went by, then a year, in which I didn't think about anyone or anything except the waiting. The waiting and the restocking of shelves.

When I finally did start to remember things, important things like Charlie in the kitchen in my dream and in my past, I shrank from them in terror. It was too much. It had been too long and yet not long enough.

I had virtually no contact with anyone. I certainly wasn't interested in making friends with my co-workers. Whenever Matt, the cute-but-dumb store manager, said hello and smiled shyly, I would stare stonily at him, reply with 'Good afternoon' or 'Good morning' in a monotone.

I barely noticed when he gave up the greetings.

I barely noticed anything until the night the dreams changed.

I woke with a start and the images, the sensations, were still horribly clear in my mind.

Ragged breathing broke into sobs.

It had all been the same, the same pictures, the same sounds, Charlie, Jacob, Alice, Edward's smooth face and the salt of his pain.

But then the real nightmare had started.

_Warmth._

__

Arms curl around me from behind and I fall back, fall into them.

A sharp breath in, a sigh.

His mouth on my neck and I'm reaching up a hand to soft-strong hair, turning.

I'm turning.

I turn myself around.

Lips, teeth, tongue.

_I kiss him a thousand times and I'm naked with him, completely raw, and his hot skin presses endlessly into mine and – _

And I woke up sobbing harder than ever.

It only got worse when my subconscious added sound.

His breath was heavy in my ears then, too real, too familiar and I was whispering awful things like _I love you_ and _I'm yours_ and _Always_ and _Jacob, Jake. _

I woke up sobbing.

I woke up sobbing because I woke up _wanting_ him.

For months I was going to wake up wanting Jacob more than anything.

--

A Barnes and Noble in town.

This was a big step. I was going to allow myself books.

I was going to claw back that piece of Bella, indulge in it greedily.

My arms were full within five minutes. A collection of short stories by Saki, the requisite set of Austens, something topical called _Global Warming and the Political Climate_, a couple from the best-seller list and a new biography of Simone de Beauvoir.

Variety.

I was at the checkout when I felt my whole body stiffen.

I let the books tumble out onto the counter and asked the girl if I could leave them there while I went to get something else, told the person behind me to take my place.

Classics. E.

Eliot, George.

Daniel Deronda.

I pulled out the paperback edition with trembling fingers, hurried back to the counter. The queue had expanded in that short time and I would have to wait. It didn't matter. I flipped quickly to the first page, started reading.

--

I read most of the night, called in sick for work and read all day.

I was blinking back tears, letting some drip down onto the page. It was just a cheap paperback, what did it matter.

The story closed with a quotation from Milton.

_"Nothing is here for tears, nothing to wail  
Or knock the breast; no weakness, no contempt,  
Dispraise or blame; nothing but well and fair,  
And what may quiet us in a death so noble."_

The book was making me feel guilty. The damn book was telling me I shouldn't be crying, I shouldn't be wailing and feeling weak.

I should be well and fair. I should seek a noble death.

I wiped at my eyes, smiled. There was no way Jacob had read this – he'd admitted that he'd been buying blind, that he had been relying on the old man in the creepy little bookstore.

And yet I was seeing myself in it everywhere. I was seeing all three of us.

It wasn't clear, nothing was a perfect fit. We were a jumbled mess, spread around the three main characters.

Daniel, Mirah, Gwendolen.

Bella, Jacob, Edward.

Edward was my Gwendolen in that he was so beautiful, so rare and so lovely that he was impossible, he could not exist in my world. But then I was Gwendolen too, in that I had been selfish, foolish, a child in so many ways. I was Gwendolen and Jacob was Daniel who had changed me, made me understand myself. But Edward was my Daniel too, the shaper of my heart. And even then _I_ was Daniel and who was Mirah? Mirah was…

A jumbled mess. My head whirled with this bittersweet story, with the hearts and minds of these people who had never actually been, except in the pages of a book.

I slept heavily, dreamlessly.

--

Another birthday. 21.

I should have been the guest of honor at a huge party with pin boards full of baby photos and humiliating speeches and alcohol.

That would never have happened though, Alaska or no Alaska. Bella Swan did not do parties.

But that didn't mean I should be here, in this room, alone.

I knew where I should be. Charlie, Renee.

I picked up the phone, bit my lip, lost my nerve.

--

Three weeks later went to see Tanya, asked for my letter back and was glad to have it returned to me, mercifully unopened. I gave her a replacement before I said goodbye.

This one was simple.

_Dear Edward,_

__

I waited for you, nearly two years. But I know that I shouldn't have and I'm sorry. I'm sorry for drawing this out.

I will think of you when I am old. You will always be in my heart.

Always.

I love you.

_Bella_

--

October and I was in La Push, at Billy Black's door.

My heart pounded, my stomach lurched.

I knocked.

I waited.

The door opened and behind it was a tall girl with almond eyes, dark skin, darker hair.


	20. Chapter 20

"Leah," I breathed, unable to quite keep the relief from my voice.

For a second I had been sure it was Alex. The two of them did look remarkably alike after all.

"Bella, wow." Her tone wasn't unkind but her face had hardened visibly when she had realized who had been knocking. "What are you doing here?"

I smiled weakly. "What are _you_ doing here?"

"I live here," she answered simply.

I swallowed, looked down.

_Okay, maybe you were a little hasty with that whole relief thing._

I stared at the ground for a good thirty seconds before Leah finally put me out of my misery. Well, that is to say, before she replaced one anxiety with another.

"I'm looking after Billy for Jacob."

My eyes snapped back to hers. "What? Where's Jacob? What happened?"

Leah raised an eyebrow, took at least another ten seconds to reply. "Calm down. He went away to college. Washington State." She folded her arms across her chest, shrugged. "Guess he aimed a little higher than either of us, huh?"

"Oh," I said.

_College. Of course. _

Just because time had stood still for me didn't mean it had been the same for Jacob.

"S- so, where is Billy now?" I asked, wishing I didn't sound so cowardly.

"Forks actually. Your place."

_Forks. My place._

I was nodding slowly, largely consumed with one thought and trying to find of a casual way to phrase an extremely loaded question. I gave up pretty quickly.

"How's… how's Alex?"

Leah smirked. "Peachy."

I was still nodding. "Good, good."

She knew what I wanted to know, of course, but she wasn't going to make it easy. She lit up a cigarette, yawned, hummed a little.

I sighed. "Leah, can you please – "

She grinned. "Alright, alright. She's seeing this guy from Puerto Rico, _really_ hot. They're pretty serious actually."

"So she and… didn't…"

"No," Leah's voice was unexpectedly soft when she said that. Then she took a drag on her cigarette, snickered. "He did date Kelly for a while though."

My eyes widened. "Oh, that's… oh."

"Yeah it was weird. But then I figured, she's small and pale and he seems to like that kind of thing, so maybe it made sense. So I let it go, until I heard him thinking about her when we were running one time. Then I had to kick the shit out of him and make him break up with her."

"What? Why?"

"An experiment." Leah spoke the words with disdain, accompanied them with air-quotes. "Being with Kelly was a way to be around Alex without anything happening – when you're dating the best friend, you really can't make a move, and they definitely can't make a move on you."

I frowned. "But if he didn't want… why would he want to…"

"Controlled exposure, I guess. He thinks it helped him."

"Helped him what?"

Leah rolled her eyes, looked at me like I was the stupidest person alive. "Um, decorate cakes? It helped him not to want her, of course."

"Oh."

_An experiment. Controlled exposure. It helped. _

My heart was beating too fast, too hard. I was sure Leah could hear it. There was no point trying to be subtle anymore.

"So is he seeing anyone now?"

"We talk a lot, but we don't exactly giggle and go over our love-lives, Bella." She cocked her head to one side thoughtfully. "But I'd assume he's not too lonely. Kid is built after all."

"Right, no. I mean, yes. Of course," I babbled, trying not to notice as the word _Always_ flashed through my mind in big neon letters. "So he's living in college? WSU?"

Leah's eyes narrowed a little. "Yeah. You planning on saying hi?"

I nodded. "Yeah," I looked up at Leah, feeling guiltier than ever under her gaze. "I have to."

She just scoffed. "Oh you have to, do you? I'll tell you what you have to do, Bella. You have to go see Charlie, right now."

I froze. "How did you know I hadn't – "

"Well you asked where Billy was for one thing."

"I…"

"I can't believe you would come here looking for the boy you dumped years ago before you'd even stop by and let Charlie know you're still alive."

"I was going to…" I broke off. There was no way to finish that. "I know. I will go. I'll go now. I just…" I bit my lip. "I'm scared, I guess."

Leah snorted. "I'd be more afraid of seeing Jake if I were you."

I sucked in a breath at that. "Thanks, Leah."

She just stared at me. "Anytime." But then she sighed and her tone was gentler when she said "He's your dad, Bella."

The way she said 'Dad' made me cringe.

"Whatever you've done, however much you've hurt him… He's just going to be happy to see you." She grinned wickedly. "The scary yelling and probing questions will come later."

I nodded. "Right. Thanks again."

"You're welcome. Now go. And you should drop by Sam's place too. He'll want to see you with his own eyes, to make sure."

"Make sure what?"

She gave me that _You idiot_ look again. "That you're still human. Treaty and all."

I stepped backward, gulped for air. All this time they'd been wondering, worrying. They didn't even know if I was still human. Jacob didn't even know if I'd kept my promise. There seemed to be layers after layer of selfishness to my actions and it was becoming unbearable.

My chest constricted, I clenched my jaw against tears.

"Right. That. So… how are they? Sam and Emily." I asked awkwardly. It was really my pathetically round about way of trying to ask Leah how she was.

She shrugged. "Emily's pregnant."

I wasn't sure what to say. I went with "Oh… Leah, I'm… I'm sorry."

She snorted contemptuously. "Please. You really think I'm jealous of that part? If Sam'd gotten me knocked up this young there would have been hell to pay."

She lit another cigarette to punctuate that outburst.

I started to walk toward my rental car, turned.

"Leah? Can I come back later?"

She kicked at the dead leaves on the porch.

"Sure, I guess."

--

Leah was right. Charlie was all happiness when he opened the door. All happiness and hugs.

Billy smiled so wide I thought he might break his face, said he was glad to see me back and alive, put a special emphasis on that last word.

Charlie sort of dragged me over to the phone, still hugging me, dialled Renee's number within thirty seconds of my being in the house.

"Renee? She's here. She's okay."

He laughed, handed the phone to me. "She wants to hear your voice."

"Hey mom," I said timidly.

"Oh my… _Bella._" I could hear her voice crack as she said my name. "Where on earth… What…" She trailed off and I tried to think what to say next.

"Mom, I – "

"It doesn't matter. I'm coming to Forks. Next flight out. Don't you go _anywhere._"

She hung up abruptly, her voice cutting out mid-_Phil!_

I blinked. I guess my trip to Washington State was going to have to wait.

--

Leah was right about the yelling and the questions too.

"Bella, where the hell have you been?" Charlie's voice shook and his face that had been so full of joy a few minutes ago was clouded with anger.

I bit my lip. "In Alaska?"

"I've been out of my mind with worry, you have no idea. And your mother… God, Bella. How could you… Billy too, for that matter, Leah, Jacob."

_Jacob. All of them. Jacob._

I felt sick with guilt.

"Do you have any idea what it was like? Not knowing if my only daughter was dead or alive?"

Billy shot me a look when Charlie said that.

I looked down, willing myself not to cry. I was through with crying. No more.

"Dad, I am so, so sorry. I really am. I went a little crazy, I guess and – "

"Yeah, you went a little crazy and skipped town with the Cullens. It's always the damn Cullens, one way or another."

I started to speak, but he interrupted me. This was a rant and I didn't get commenting rights.

"I found Carlisle through the hospital, flew to Los Angeles to confront them. But then the kids weren't with them." He held his hands up in a sort of a tortured shrug. "They didn't know where they were either."

"Dad, I wasn't – "

"Then I get back home and almost right away I get a call from Alice. She just says you're safe and you'll be back and hangs up on me. Tried to trace the call, got nothing. There was no way to…" He trailed off, shaking his head. "Bella, what in God's name were the six of you doing all this time?"

"Nothing. I mean I don't know. I wasn't with them." I sighed. "It's… Edward and I broke up again and I kind of… that's why I left."

Charlie's cheeks puffed out, his eyes looked like they were going to pop out of his head.

"That boy! That goddamn little son of a bitch!"

I winced to hear him talking about Edward like that. I hated that I couldn't explain to him, couldn't make him see that it wasn't his fault.

"I know this would happen, Bella. I told you it would - "

"Charlie, calm down." Billy said in a strong voice, eyeing me knowingly.

Charlie leaned against the kitchen door, took a deep breath, lowered his voice to speak again. "But if you weren't with them why did I get a phone call from Alice telling me – "

"I saw her once," I lied quickly. "In Alaska. I guess she just didn't want you to worry."

"Right, because those kids have so much respect for my feelings."

"Dad, they weren't… This was my fault. It was all me." I tried to look him in the eye, stay brave. "I'm to blame for all of it, no one else. I think I…" I struggled to find a way to explain. "I think I had a kind of a breakdown."

"Well why the hell couldn't you have come to me, Bella?" He was very quiet now, but resentment still poured off him in waves. "We got through it once before, we would have again. Instead you just leave me a note like you're going to buy milk and disappear for two years."

"I know, I'm so sorry, I just – "

"Do you know how hard I've been working to find you? How hard my deputy has been working? Hell, the whole department?"

"Yeah, I figured you would so…" I half-mumbled the last part, scared of the reaction it would provoke. "I was careful."

He nodded slowly, eyes narrowing. "And I'm going to be damn careful from now on. You are not leaving this house. Ever. For any reason. Understand?"

I grimaced. "Oh… Cos I was just going to go over to see Leah."

"Well now you're not," he snapped, crossing his arms over his chest.

Suddenly there was an odd noise to my left. It sounded like…

Billy was chuckling softly and it was quickly degenerating into a full-blown roaring laugh.

The corner of Charlie's mouth twitched. It was almost a smile.

Billy sighed, still grinning widely. "Come on, you two. Let's get this cripple home." He winked at me. "Charlie, you can watch your twenty one year old daughter like a hawk while she talks to her friend."

Billy started to wheel himself toward the door and Charlie picked up the keys, keeping his eyes on me. "I'm driving. And you're coming home with me."

"Perfect." I reached out and put my hand on his arm. "Dad, I'm not going anywhere. I promise. And I'm so sorry, I'm… I can't even put it into words."

He sighed heavily, pulled me to him and hugged me tightly.

"Never again, Bella. Or so help me God, I'll – "

"Never, I promise."

I leaned into his chest and smiled. His sweater smelled like home.

I still smiled when he said sternly "Don't go thinking you've heard the last of this."

--

Halfway to Billy's I remembered that I was supposed to swing by Sam's. Charlie thought this was an odd request, but Billy covered for me with something about Emily having been worried sick and how she didn't need the stress in her condition.

Sam was happier to see me than I would have expected but still reserved. He raised his eyebrows at me when I mentioned Alaska, but left it at that since Charlie was there. Emily hugged me tightly – as tightly as her enormous belly would allow - and cried a lot, which I'm guessing was partly a hormonal thing.

Before long we were back at Billy's and Leah convinced Charlie to let us sit on the porch so she could smoke, promised him she wouldn't let me run off anywhere.

I dove straight in at the deep end.

"You don't have to admit it, but I know I hurt you really badly when I hurt Jacob."

She stared straight ahead, flicked her lighter with her thumb a few times.

"And I want you to know that I'm sorry. I was selfish and stupid. I just want you to know that I know that now."

She still didn't say anything, but she looked at me and the corners of her mouth turned up a little.

I carried on, buoyed by that tiny gesture.

"And then I was selfish and stupid just leaving and not even letting you guys know I was still alive, still human. And actually I was selfish and stupid earlier today, asking about Jake when I should have been asking about you."

She shook her head, actually smiling now. "Asking what about me?"

"Um..." I pretended to be thinking hard, then nudged her playfully. "Oh I don't know. Are you seeing anyone?"

The smile faded. "No."

She lit a cigarette. I asked her why not.

"Because I'm a freak. Because I could imprint. And I don't know if it would be like it was with Jake or if I'd end up like Sam." She glanced at me, her eyes hard again for a second. "I don't want to be responsible for breaking someone's heart."

I couldn't help but flinch a little at that.

Leah sighed, her shoulders slumped a little. "I just don't want to get… I just think it's better to be alone. Just me. Better to be safe, you know?"

I nodded slowly. But I didn't entirely agree.

"Leah, two years ago, a little before I left, sort of why I left really… I made a promise to Jacob. It was a big one as promises go, but still I would never have dreamed that it would mean what it did. It changed my life. In a way it _saved_ my life." I smiled softly, looked into her eyes as she was looking into mine. "Will you promise me something now?"

She pressed her lips together before answering in a low voice "Depends what it is."

"Just…" I hesitated. "Promise me you won't always just be safe?"

She nodded slightly. So slightly I might have imagined it.

I could only hope that it meant _I promise._


	21. Chapter 21

Renee arrived at the house in the wee hours of the morning, banging on the door and waking us both up. I stumbled downstairs and she pounced on me, was still clinging onto me ten minutes later when I was making us hot chocolate. It made it tricky to get things done, but as long as she wasn't yelling, I was happy.

Charlie grumbled semi-coherently about women and some people having to work in the morning, stomped back up to bed.

Renee and I sat down in the living room and had the inevitable and very long talk.

--

"Oh Bella," She sighed, tucked a lock of my hair behind my ear. "Two years? Sometimes you remind me so much of your father."

I wanted to say 'No, I'm not him, I'm you.' But she would know that I meant 'I'm the selfish one. I'm the one who leaves people behind.' I didn't need to cause any more pain, least of all to my own mother.

I just shrugged, looked down.

"Mom, can you do me a favour?" I asked tentatively.

She smiled. "Probably. If it's reasonable."

"Well, it's sort of reasonable. Or it would have been if…" I felt my face twisting doubtfully. "Can you get dad to let me take a trip to Washington State?"

Renee pursed her lips. "If this has anything to do with the Cullens, my answer is absolutely not, Bella."

I shook my head quickly. "No, so not. Really not. It's my friend Jacob. Billy Black's son? He's at WSU now and I haven't… I really have to see him."

I could see her mind ticking over and I knew what she was going to say.

"Well can't you just call him?"

"No," I insisted. "I can't just… The phone's not good enough. I… Things were actually kind of complicated between us."

Renee's eyes narrowed. "Complicated how?"

I ran my thumb compulsively along the handle of my empty mug.

"We were… Before Edward…" I couldn't bring myself to explain everything, the guilt of the words was too much. I decided to just cut to the chase, make it simple, just _say it. _

"I love him. I'm in love with Jacob."

I couldn't believe I had just said those words. Finally I had said those words for the very first time, and it had been to my mom.

_Brilliant._

Her brow furrowed in confusion as she took that in. "But you… Well then why did you spend two years in Alaska pining over Edward Cullen?"

I sighed. That was a tough one to explain.

"It wasn't _all_ pining. There was working and reading and thinking…" I trailed off, rolled my eyes at what I was about to say. "As nauseatingly clichéd as this sounds, I needed some time alone to work things out."

Renee nodded, though I don't think she quite understood. How could she when she didn't know even half of the whole story?

"Mom, please can you talk to dad? I really need to go. Soon."

She nodded again. "I'll try."

I smiled, relieved now. Renee always got what she wanted out of Charlie. That was just a simple, sad fact. And that was why my smile faded when she got up to go put her mug in the sink.

_I'm not him, I'm you. I'm the selfish one. I'm the one who leaves people behind._

--

Charlie let me take the trip to Washington State on the proviso that I would call him twice a day.

Technically, as a twenty one year old woman I could do whatever I wanted. But _technically_ didn't apply in this particular situation. I owed Charlie in a big way. That was why I hugged him for a long time before I went upstairs to get my bag, promised him I'd be back soon and thanked him for letting me go.

I grabbed my bag from my old room, stopping for a second to breathe in the air, run my hand over the bedspread.

I caught sight of something on my desk, under a bunch of papers. A tiny flash of gold.

The book. _Daniel Deronda._

I smiled, stroked the rich leather cover, before slipping it into my bag.

--

"You don't look too shocked."

I was standing in the doorway of Jacob's dorm room, my lips twitching nervously in and out of a smile.

His face was calm, impassive and very much _the same._ His hair was a little longer, just brushing his wide, dark shoulders. I was finding it difficult to keep my eyes on his, partly because he wasn't wearing a shirt – _of course he's not wearing a shirt, that's nothing new_ - but mostly because the strange, sober way he was looking at me was causing a heavy lump to form in my throat.

He nodded slowly. "Leah called as soon as she knew you were back."

_Right. Of course._

"Oh. Right. Of course."

He stepped back, gesturing for me to come in.

"Well I'd rather know you're okay than wait around worrying some more just so you can surprise me."

I looked down, suddenly deeply ashamed, even more so when my mind automatically went to the whiney, self-absorbed _It's been three days why didn't he come to Forks to see me_ place.

I forced myself to look back up at him, tried to smile. "Leah said I should be scared of you."

Something like a laugh escaped his lips.

"Well, that's another reason it's good that she called. That way I know you've already had it from her and your parents. I don't have to be the bad guy."

I blew out a breath with an exaggerated _oof_ sound, attempted a smile again. "That's a relief."

Another half-laugh. Then silence.

Jacob shoved his hands in the pockets of his jeans, looked down at his feet. His fair fell around his face and I was suddenly fighting a disturbingly strong urge to step forward, brush it back out of his eyes and keep my hands on him, force him to see me, just touch him if he wasn't going to touch me.

"Jake, you should…" I was twisting my fingers around my thumbs, biting my cheek inside my mouth. "Can we sit?"

"Sure, why not." He agreed quietly.

He sat down on the oversized bed that pretty much swamped the tiny dorm room, gestured for me to have the only chair.

We sat. Silence again. But he was looking at me now and it was different, searching, less distant, but now it hurt, it _hurt._

When I opened my mouth to speak, I realized I hadn't been breathing for a moment, gulped awkwardly for air. "Ja- Jake, I want you to… You know I didn't leave with them?"

He nodded. "Billy mentioned that."

I gripped the seat of the chair, steeled myself.

"And I guess he mentioned that Edward and I split up."

I could see the thick, long muscles in his neck clench. "Yeah, except he was a little more detailed: Cullen left again and you tried to run after him, ended up in Denali, waited there for two years."

"It wasn't like…"

Who was I kidding? That was exactly what it was like.

"Yeah," I admitted softly.

Silence again. Unbearable silence.

_Unbearable._

I stood up, took two short steps toward him and sat next to him on the bed.

"Do you want to know the reason he left?"

Jacob chuckled and it held a bitter edge. "Really don't know about that."

I ignored him, put my hand on his and almost jumped at the strange-familiar charge of his too-hot skin against mine.

"It was the promise."

He turned his head to meet my eyes.

"It was because I promised you I wouldn't let him change me."

I could feel his hand shaking a little under mine. I curled my fingers around slowly, tangling them in his, whispered "Jake, it was because of you."

His eyes were flickering darkly, softly over my face now, smooth lips parted just slightly. Then suddenly he jerked away, pulled his hand from mine.

"So he didn't want you if you weren't going to stay pretty like him? Nice."

I shook my head, moved away from him a little. Tears were stinging at my eyes.

_No more crying. No more. _

"No, it wasn't like that." I explained. "You know how Alice can see the future? Well we weren't happy. I wasn't happy with him."

"Right, again I point out – because you were going to get old and wrinkly."

He shook his head, stood up with a sharp laugh.

"No, it's not – "

"Well then what does the promise have to do with anything? Did Alice see you unhappy with him before? When you were a vampire?"

I looked down. "No, but she – "

He didn't let me finish, which was probably a good thing. I had no idea where I was going with that sentence.

"Well I'm sorry, Bella, sucks for you. If this forever young bullshit means that much to you then you can forget it. The promise, I mean. I'm letting you off the hook."

His voice was harsh, very uneven. I blinked in shock. I had thought I was the only one who needed to worry about crying, but I caught a dribble of tears slipping quickly down his cheek before he turned away from me, wiped a hand over his face.

I couldn't believe this. I'd made him cry. Jacob, who _never_ cried. I'd hurt him that badly when all I had wanted to do was fix things.

It was useless to try to hold back my own tears now, I let them spill forth freely, dripping down onto my shirt.

I didn't know what to say. I was scared that anything I could come up with would just make it worse. Clearly I had no idea what I was doing with this, no idea what he felt, no idea what he wanted me to tell him.

The unbearable silence stretched again and I couldn't think. I couldn't get control of myself.

The only thing my mind was going to let my body do at this point was stand up, walk over to Jacob, wrap my arms around his and rest my wet face against his back, whisper _I'm sorry, I'm sorry_ and _please._

That was what I did.

His whole body was shaking, not just his hands and I was conscious of my heart beating too fast, too obtrusively against him. I felt his ribs, the flesh, muscles, skin around them, shift and settle as he took a deep breath. Then he turned quickly, leaned down, hugged me to him.

"Bells…" He sighed it into the skin of my neck and I wondered briefly if he knew what that would do to me. I wondered if he –

But when he lifted his head to look at me his eyes were only serious. Only serious and sad.

"I was so scared. I didn't really know if you would…"

I suddenly felt anxious, desperate even, stretched up, clung to his shoulders. "But I did. I did. I kept the promise. Even when I _tried_ to change my mind about it I couldn't. I couldn't do it, Jake, I…"

His lips were so close to mine now. I could feel his warm breath lifting a stray strand of hair on my face and this moment, this moment with Jacob's arms still tight around me, still secure, still solid, _still mine…_ This moment was overwhelming.

I let my eyes flutter closed, brushed my lips against the corner of his mouth, whispered _Jacob, Jake._

My breathing was too shallow and I felt like I might fall. But if I did fall it would only be further into his arms. He would fall with me and it would be like cliff-diving again, like falling into each other again, like falling in -

I felt him turn his head.

I opened my eyes.

"Bella I can't..." He released me before continuing, slowly, carefully, like he knew I wasn't going to be steady on my feet. "It's taken me a long time to…"

He grimaced.

I finished for him.

"Get over me?"

"Not exactly," he smiled sadly. "More to get over the fact that you got over me. To be able to live with that."

I swallowed thickly, took a tiny step toward him. I didn't quite dare touch him again, though I wanted to, so badly.

I shook my head. "But that's the thing Jake. I didn't really. I never got - "

He held up a hand, anger clouding his face for a moment. "The fact that you left me then, whatever."

I swallowed again, focused on the ground, determined to fight the sobs that were building inside me. "See this is what I was afraid of. That there'd be this gap between us and I wouldn't be able to fix it." I looked up at him, whispered pleadingly "We were always so close."

He nodded and it seemed stiff, final.

"We were. But it's kind of hard to stay close when someone's running away from you."

"Yeah," I whispered shakily, closing my mouth straight away, before it could spew forth anything else to hurt him.

I was at the door when he called after me.

"Bella?"

"Jake?" I turned around too eagerly, embarrassed by the way my heart leapt into my eyes.

"Don't think that I don't... " He hesitated, like he was rethinking something, changing his approach.

His face was kind, soft even, he was almost _my_ Jacob when he said "We'll be friends."

I smiled, managed a quick "Thank you" before hurrying out of the building.

I didn't want him to see me fall apart.


	22. Chapter 22

And so Jacob and I were friends. Painfully long-distance friends. Why did WSU have to be on the other side of the damn state?

I would have blown my savings, gone to visit him every weekend till I ran out of money, but I was pretty sure friends weren't supposed to go to such reckless lengths just to be around each other.

I only stayed in Pullman one more day, managed to force myself to go and see Jacob again before I left. It took a positively Herculean effort of will. I was terrified of breaking down in front of him, even more afraid of saying all the wrong things again.

Our conversation was brief and trivial, but my heart fluttered madly when hugged me tightly at the door, slipping a warm hand into my hair.

I left my precious copy of _Daniel Deronda_ with him, tucked a note inside that said 'What? You really thought you were going to get out of reading this?'

--

When I got back home Charlie wasn't too happy. I wasn't sure why, since I'd only been gone two days and I'd called three times for each of those. I had more than fulfilled his requirements.

He didn't leave me wondering for long.

"So I gave Carlisle Cullen a call, just to let him know you were back and safe."

I smiled, surprised at the gesture.

"Thanks, Dad. That was really cool of you."

"Yes it was. And wouldn't you know it, all the kids are back with them now too. Quite a coincidence, don't you think?"

I nodded stiffly. "Yes, quite a coincidence."

His eyes narrowed in suspicion. "And that's all it is?"

"Yeah, that's all it is."

He didn't look too convinced, but he sort of shrugged, like he was going to let it go.

"How is… How are they all, do you know?" I asked the question as nonchalantly as I could, pulling a bottle of milk out of the fridge, checking the expiration date and sniffing at it.

"Are you asking me whether I asked after Edward?" Charlie's voice was all sharpness. "Because that would be funny."

"Right, sorry," I muttered, trying not to show him how much his attitude to Edward hurt me. "I was just wondering."

He sighed, shook his head, pulled something out of his back pocket.

"They left a number for you in case you ever needed to talk to them." He grimaced as he handed me the crumpled piece of paper. "You have no idea how much I wanted to just not give this to you."

I smiled gratefully, took it from him. "Thank you. You don't have to worry. I'm okay now, I won't do anything stupid. Ever. At all."

Charlie raised an eyebrow. "Don't make promises you can't keep now, Bells."

I laughed.

--

I dialled the number with trembling hands.

_Please don't let Edward pick up please don't let Edward pick up Please don't let – _

"Bella!"

"Alice?" I almost choked on an unexpected sob.

"Yes, it's me. Bella, I'm so happy that you're home."

I smiled as tears slid down my cheeks. "And I'm so happy to hear your voice."

Her laugh tinkled down the phone line.

"I could see you were back with Charlie. That's why we came home too."

"I figured as much." I half chuckled, half sniffled. "You and your second sight."

"Carlisle had to act all surprised when Charlie called with the news. It was hilarious."

I grinned. "I'm sure it was."

"How are you?" She asked with her trademark enthusiasm. "I mean, I know how you are, sort of, but details would be nice."

I took a deep breath, fighting the urge to just tell her everything, ask her questions too, talk like she could still be Alice-my-friend. Like we could still be the way we used to.

"Look Alice, I'm only calling because… I miss you so much, but I wouldn't call for that reason, that wouldn't be fair to Edward. So I'm only calling because I need to know if he's… "

I couldn't bring myself to use the word 'okay'.

There was a pause before Alice replied and she was quieter, subdued by my words. "He's better now that he knows you're alright." She laughed softly. "You'd think he'd be insane with jealousy wouldn't you? But no, he's _better._ Just because you are."

My chest was flooding rapidly with some unnameable emotion. Something between relief and guilt and nostalgia. It was all of those and none of them and more at the same time. It was new. And it belonged to Edward and to me. Only us.

"What would he be jealous of?" I asked tentatively, wondering how much my future actions had told Alice about my current feelings.

"The fact that I can't see much of you anymore, Bella." Her voice was heartbreakingly sad, but I could hear a smile in it too. "So many of your paths are cut off from me, shrouded in darkness."

"You mean… because of Jacob."

"Well that's what I assumed. Unless you've hooked up with some other werewolf."

"We haven't – " I shook my head a little. "We're friends again. That's all."

"For now," Alice said suggestively.

I groaned. "Quit it Alice, you can't even see him, so – "

"Hey little lady, I don't need special powers to place my bet."

I had to smile at that.

Alice. I really did miss her so much.

"Can you tell Edward that I love him?"

She took a long time to answer.

"I don't need to. He knows, he got your note. He loves you too, Bella. Always. We both do." She sighed. "But I wish you would change your damn mind and he's just glad you're alive and happy. That's the difference. Well, that and I don't want to snuggle with you."

I laughed, let her make a few more jokes, told her I missed her again before I said goodbye.

I wiped away my tears.

--

Jacob came home for Christmas break, and while I couldn't say that that had anything to do with my being there, we did end up spending pretty much every waking minute together.

I decided to be sociable for once, invited the Clearwaters over on Christmas Eve along with Billy and Jake. It took me nearly two days to get all the food ready – I needed a lot, considering I was feeding seven people, three of whom were werewolves. Jacob and Leah were my assistants, peering over my shoulder curiously, passing me the wrong utensils and bickering over who got to taste-test what. It was happy time.

I made sure to be very vocal about my no-gifts policy this year, partly because I was just about broke and partly because the thought of anyone spending time and money on me after what I'd put them through made me feel sick. But more than anything it was because the idea of choosing something for Jacob scared the hell out of me. What did you get for your best friend who didn't want you to be in love with him? The line between meaningful and _too_ meaningful was so difficult to see that I would have been sure to trip over it.

The ban was respected, unless you count comestibles. Sue Clearwater brought over a bottle of French Champagne and I noticed that Jacob nodded subtly to Leah when we toasted Harry.

At that moment the image of Jake as a little boy flashed through my mind, Billy telling him his mother was gone, she was never coming back for him.

He was laughing at something Seth had said now. Every cell in my body wanted to walk over to him and wrap my arms around him, hold on tight and never let go.

I downed my champagne quickly.

--

Jacob came over on Boxing Day, told me we were going to have some proper fun and dragged me out of the house while I moaned about the cold.

His eyes were shining with excitement and I couldn't help giggling stupidly in response.

"Remember all those years ago, when I taught you how to ride a bike?" he asked.

I crossed my arms. "I could ride a bike when I was six." My indignant expression gave way to a frown. "Sort of."

He chuckled. "Sure, sure. _Motor_bike then. Remember that?"

"Mmm yes. Do we have a point?"

He raised his eyebrows, grinned broadly. "Wanna learn how to ride me?"

My mouth popped open and my eyes felt suddenly huge.

There was a beat before Jacob burst out laughing at my expression, covered his face with his large hands.

"Oh man. Oh _man_," he spluttered. "I meant the wolf. Wolf-back riding."

I looked down, blushing furiously, and the voice inside that had been screaming for me to just jump him since the moment he'd been back in town wanted to say _Too bad._

I didn't say anything, just bit back a nervous smile and waited for him to stop laughing.

Finally he calmed down enough to talk again.

"So you wanna? Or have I made this too awkward with my poor choice of words?"

He ducked his head and grinned sheepishly at me through his hair.

I was pretty sure I was still blushing when I nodded. "Sounds like fun. Scary, freaky, messed up, _proper_ fun. I'm in."

--

The wind was brutal as we tore through the trees. I was pressing my face into the russet fur constantly, alternating cheeks to keep them warm, clinging for dear life to the scruff of his neck.

This wasn't fun.

This was fucking awful. I was scared out of my fucking mind.

I realized with horror, as craggy branches ripped away from us just inches from my face, that there was a real danger of a repeat performance of my first roller-coaster experience at the tender age of seven. And if I peed my pants while riding the Jacob wolf, I was looking at at least a ten year stint in Alaska.

"Jake!" I screamed, but the wind smothered it so that it was more of a squeak. "Jake stop!"

Thankfully he heard me, started to slow down. I wrapped my arms around his neck and breathed heavily with relief, while he padded along, finally coming to a stop and letting me climb down.

"Thank you," I said weakly, before collapsing in a heap on the ground.

The world was still flying past me at a dizzying speed.

The Jacob wolf nuzzled my ear briefly before loping into the trees. He was back within seconds, human and clad in sweatpants, grinned down at me before flopping onto the ground too, lying flat on his bare back.

My teeth were chattering a little.

"Jacob, how in God's name can you not be cold? If anything fell from the sky now, it would be snow."

He just laughed, his breath coming out in gray-white puffs. He was still panting a little from the exertion of the run.

"C'mere, mere mortal." He lifted his arm from his side.

I scrambled over to him and rested my head on his shoulder, trying not to shiver too much. He draped a warm arm over my back. It was strange, being pressed against his bare chest while I was wrapped up in my puffy jacket, my hood pulled snugly over my ears and _still_ needing my own personal hot water bottle.

"Better?" he asked after a moment.

"Much," I said. "But my hands are like ice."

I pressed them against him to prove my point and he flinched a little.

"See?"

"Hmm," He murmured. "It's not so bad."

I felt his words rumble through his chest and into my hands, swallowed as a warmth that was all my own pooled in the pit of my stomach.

I was terrified of moving, desperate to at the same time.

A few shaky breaths later I was lifting a palm gingerly from his skin, letting my fingers drift up to his collarbone. His breath hitched just the tiniest bit and I paused for a moment, held my breath before slowly running my fingers back down over his chest, lightly tracing the hard cords of the muscles in his stomach.

Jacob sighed. Or it was something similar to a sigh.

I took it as a sign that he didn't mind me doing this, slid my hand over each knotted bump, traced back through the creases over and over, before travelling back up, pressing gently into his ribs.

I loved this. I loved touching him like this. It was well worth the wolf-back riding from hell.

Jacob's breathing was shallow now and I could feel him swallow tightly when I pressed my palm flat over his heart. The beat was too fast, out of control.

It was coming from both of us.

I started to shift my head against his shoulder, slowly turning up, wanting to see his face. When my lips grazed his chin he suddenly grabbed me, flipped me over so I was lying on my back and he was hovering over me. My hood had fallen back and one of his hands was in my hair, his leg pressed between mine.

I stared up into his eyes, sort of gasped a couple of times.

He stared down at me and the look in his eyes _burned_ even more deliciously than his skin.

But then he was standing up, holding a hand out for me.

He smiled blandly and then… was he _yawning?_

"We should get back."

--

In Forks without Jacob I had been miserable far too much of the time.

But then being with Jacob was depressing in its own special way too. To be so near to him and yet sealed off from him, separate. To have to work so hard all the time to be _casual_ with him, when I was going crazy inside.

I wondered briefly if this was how it had felt for him in those months before I ran up to him on First Beach and kissed him.

_Or even after that._

Waiting, hoping. Praying for something to shift, change.

_To turn itself around._

Had he been tortured with it, constantly? Wanting any excuse to touch me, trying not to shake when I walked in the room, imagining his lips on mine so vividly he could actually feel it, _taste_ it?

Had he dreamed of me then like I dreamed of him now?


	23. Chapter 23

Christmas break was far too short as it was, so my heart just about broke when Jacob announced he was heading back early to spend New Year's Eve with his friends in Pullman.

_His friends in Pullman? He's only been there six months. Not even._

The rejection was almost unbearable. I spent the better part of a week after he left – including New Year's Eve, no matter how hard Leah tried to get me to go to some club with her – crying in my room until my eyes were so raw they felt like they'd been scrubbed with steel wool and chili flakes.

_His friends in Pullman. Right._

I had a horrible feeling that this was something he'd cooked up at the last minute, just to avoid being around me when the ball dropped.

They say you spend the year with the person you're with at that moment or something, don't they?

Maybe he just didn't need the bad luck.

--

I couldn't mope forever. I needed money.

I got a job pretty easily working part time at a sandwich bar in Port Angeles. It seemed like the perfect fit. Sandwiches. I was good at them. Really good. It would be peaceful and completely undemanding. It would be perfect.

Except I forgot to factor personalities into my little employment fantasy.

The manager, Meredith, hated me on sight. So much so that it was actually bizarre that she hired me at all. But gradually I began to see she that she just hated everyone, which made her snide remarks and dirty looks easier to take.

Personalities aside the pay wasn't great, but it was something. And like I said, I needed money.

I needed it to buy a gift for Jacob.

If that prospect had been scary before, it was doubly so now. But it was January and his birthday loomed. There was no escape. I had to find something. I had to find the _right_ thing.

I spent a day in Port Angeles hunting, came up with absolutely nothing, drove to Seattle the next morning. I was lucky Charlie had found my truck at the airport when I'd run off, otherwise I would have had no mode of transportation.

Seattle was a much bigger, more interesting pond, but I managed to waste most of the day searching in vain for the creepy little bookstore where Jake had found my gift. I wasn't interested in buying a book for Jake – he already had _Daniel Deronda_ to get through. I had just wanted to find the place, see the old man who'd recommended the book, picture sixteen-year-old Jake rummaging around uselessly, before he'd stepped in to help.

I smiled. Maybe he'd take me there one day. _If he's not too busy with his friends in Pullman,_ a voice inside me huffed.

It was when I was walking back to my truck, my feet aching with every dejected step, that I found what I was looking for. Not the bookstore, the gift.

I peered in through the window at the large print hanging on the far wall, framed neatly in plain glass, hurried into the shop just before the assistant could pull the blinds down. She tried not to scowl at me.

_Mark Rothko. Untitled, 1949._

It _reminded_ me of Jake somehow.

It was perfect.

--

I blew another sixty dollars having it couriered to him on the actual day, with a note that said 'Because your room needs help and because this reminded me of you. Happy Birthday. Love, Bella.'

_There. Meaningful, but not too meaningful._

I waited by the phone all day, excited and scared of his reaction at the same time.

Maybe he'd think it was ugly. Maybe he'd just think it was random and he wouldn't get it, he wouldn't see what I saw. Maybe he'd think I was just –

The phone rang.

He said he loved it.

I experienced stupid levels of pleasure.

"Bells, honey, I didn't think you'd… It made me so happy that you bothered. Highlight of my day, really."

_Bells, honey._

I was lucky this conversation was happening over the phone, so he couldn't see how my cheeks flushed at that, how I let my eyes slip closed and savored the sound in my head.

It was funny how that was all it took for me to get my hopes up again, for all the hurt of him leaving when he could have stayed to just melt away.

_Bells, honey. Highlight of my day._

"Of course I bothered. You're my… " – best friend? I didn't want to say that. "I miss you already you know."

"I miss you too," His voice was low and husky and the sound of it, even dulled by distance, sent warm shivers down my spine. "Actually I was sort of disappointed you didn't come with the package."

I swallowed, leaned back against the wall for support.

"You wanted to see me?"

"I always… Sure," he said softly.

"Sure." A breathless echo.

"Jake, would you… What if I told you I'd sort of vaguely been thinking about applying to WSU? They have this amazing Classics professor, he's like world-renowned and I'd, um, and we could hang out more, which, well, but of course it might be too weird, is it too weird?"

He chuckled at my babbling. "You can apply wherever you want Bells, you don't have to ask my permission. And, um, weird, yeah, sure. But nice too. Having you closer."

I smiled blissfully, brought my free hand up to press against my heart. "Um, okay. So I'll let you know how all that turns out. Bye, Jake."

He'd barely said goodbye when I hung up. I had to get off the phone.

Right at this moment I was so happy I felt like I was going to explode. I set the phone down on my dresser and threw myself onto my bed, grinning so wide and hard that my cheeks hurt already.

--

When I told Charlie I'd sent in my transcripts and references to Washington State, I was surprised at how pleased he was.

I frowned. "You're not freaked out? It's so far away."

He nodded while he chewed, swallowed. "I'd rather you were closer, of course. But it's a good school. I was never happy with you settling for the Community College, Bella, not with your love of academia."

I smiled, pushed my food around my plate. "And you're not worried that it's the only place I want to go?"

"Why should I be worried?" he asked.

I groaned. Was he really going to pretend he didn't know what I was getting at?

"Dad, come on."

He laughed. "Well obviously it has something to do with Jacob. But that's okay. It's Jacob, after all." He shrugged, covered his potato with mustard. "I'm less worried about you in all of this than I am about him."

I felt angry – _guilty_ - tears stinging at my eyes, bit my lip. "I'm not going to hurt him again, Dad."

"Oh I know you don't want to," he said quickly. "I'm not trying to… I'm just saying, you should tread carefully."

I gritted my teeth, still smarting, picked up my plate and walked over the sink.

"Right, tread carefully. That should be easy since we're _just friends anyway._"

I turned the water on hard to drown out Charlie's chuckling.

--

By March I was in Pullman. I told myself that since there was no way in hell I was living in a dorm, I needed to be there early to organize an apartment, as well as a job so I could pay the rent on said apartment. And maybe it wasn't my primary motivation for rushing across the state, but it was true nonetheless - it would be better to be prepared and settled when the time came to start school.

I was pretty confident I would get into WSU, since my records were more or less stellar up until the unfortunate skipping town incident. I would have to work pretty hard to explain that though, and I didn't usually interview well. Still, I felt like I'd improved in that area. The passing years had lessened my nervousness and (verbal) clumsiness.

It didn't matter anyway. Even if I didn't get in, I knew I would be sticking around.

I felt sad to have left Leah so soon after coming back to town, but she hadn't seemed too upset over it. She was busy finishing her teaching degree at the CC and between that and Billy and her 'werewolf duties' – I'm pretty sure she used that phrase again just to piss me off – she had said she wouldn't have time to miss me too much.

I had hugged her and told her to get busy with some more interesting things and let me know how it turned out. She half-smiled. She knew what I meant.

One thing I hadn't shed a tear over was leaving Meredith and the sandwich bar behind. I couldn't believe my luck when I landed a job in a Barnes and Noble in Pullman within a week.

I hadn't told Jacob I was coming, had sworn everyone back home to secrecy. This time it was going to be a surprise.

--

And he was surprised, to say the least, when I showed up on his doorstep one random Thursday evening, waving a set of keys in his face.

"Check it out, keys to my shoebox."

I squealed when he grabbed me, picked me up and spun me around, trembled a little when he set me down and kissed my cheek.

"Happy to see me?" I asked.

He just grinned down at me.

"Let's celebrate."

--

Jacob took me to his second favorite bar in town. Apparently his favorite would be crawling with people he knew and he wasn't cruel enough to subject me to that, not right away.

We sat outside so we could hear each other speak, under the heaters so I would be able to get words out. Jake had a couple of beers and I nursed a vodka tonic. It felt strange. Very adult.

We talked about the pack, how much he missed everyone, how when he phased he could still hear them sometimes. We talked about how different Leah was these days, even if she could still be, for want of a better word, brutal when provoked. Leah led to Sam and Sam led to Emily's baby, a girl they'd named Sarah.

It wasn't too long before Sam and Emily led to imprinting and imprinting brought us to Alex and controlled exposure.

"It was a shitty thing to do, dating Kelly for an experiment." He sighed. "I can't say I really regret it, though. It worked just like I thought it would. Every minute I spent around Alex made it a little easier to ignore her, made me feel a little less like I was going to lose control, just give in. Eventually the voice telling me to be with her was less of a scream, more of a hum. Just background noise."

"See that's the bit I don't get. Jake, why did you still… after I was gone, why didn't you just try being with her?"

He thought for a moment before answering that. I sipped my drink, suddenly nervous.

"It wasn't really about you, you know."

He rolled his eyes, followed up with a shy smile, a shake of his head.

"Well, obviously it was about you on one level. But it was more than that. Being part of a pack already puts limits on free will. You don't always get to make your own choices. And the person you love, the person you spend your life with… that's kind of the biggest choice of all. I want it to be mine."

I just stared at him in awe. I was surprised at how little I cared that this wasn't all about me after all. My heart and mind were preoccupied with something else, something like searing pride, a little envy, admiration beyond words.

_He was so strong._

"You're amazing." I had to say it. "Do you know how amazing you are, Jake? It's actually embarrassing."

He chuckled, looked down, then to the side, like I'd made him uncomfortable.

I frowned. "What? Friends can say stuff like that, can't they?"

"Sure, sure." His turned his head back to look at me, leaned forward just the tiniest bit. "And they can say... you're so beautiful."

I stared into his eyes, completely still, barely breathing, frozen in this moment.

_It was there._

It was there in Jacob's eyes, all over his face. The longing, just as deep, just as heavy and aching as mine.

I was suddenly aware of how far I'd leaned over the table. I hadn't been still at all, my hands had been moving all this time, sliding toward his, entirely of their own accord, powered by some sense of inevitability now that I knew, I _knew_ he wanted me the same way I wanted him.

I was sure of it now. Jacob was still mine.

And yet he was pulling back, curling away from me. He took his hands from the table, rescued them from mine, let them fall to the safety of his lap.

Then he grinned. "Well except not really man to man, because that kind of talk could get awkward."

I would have laughed, if I hadn't been having an epiphany.

Jacob was _mine._


	24. Chapter 24

My epiphany didn't keep me happy for long. After the initial heady rush of power I'd experienced over it, I realized it really didn't change anything.

So I knew Jacob wanted me now, big deal. It didn't mean he was going to take me.

It didn't mean he was going to take me _back._

And it didn't mean he felt the way he used to feel.

_Jacob Black is madly, embarrassingly, pathetically in love with you. Interesting, huh? _

It didn't mean he still felt that.

--

I was subjected to the Pullman Friends within a week.

There were scores of them, which I suppose shouldn't really have been surprising – it had even been easy for socially awkward, broken-hearted Bella Swan to make friends with Jacob. It made sense that people would flock to him.

Ellen, Terry, Leanne, two Jessicas, Cameron, Miles, Andrew, Alyssa, Mark, Michael, James, Lee, Tarkesh, Annie etc.

There was no way I was going to remember any of their names. Except maybe Tarkesh, that kind of stuck out.

They all seemed like good people though, and frankly, they seemed to be a lot more fun than I had ever been.

In the number one favorite bar there was raucous laughter, tequila, lemon, salt and some dancing on tables that the management put a stop to pretty quickly.

And if that wasn't overwhelming enough, there were girls all over Jacob. Girls who didn't even seem to be part of our group. They just popped up out of nowhere to fawn over him.

I had braced myself for this. Like Leah had said, Jacob was built, and plus he had that exotic look that so many white American girls go crazy over – I noted that Tarkesh got quite a bit of attention from them too.

So I had braced myself for this, but it was still difficult to watch. Every time one of them touched his hair or grinned and leaned in to whisper something I'm sure was terribly interesting my whole body clenched in silent protest.

It didn't help that Jacob seemed to be in his element, laughing at their jokes, knocking back shots, flashing me an occasional relaxed smile, which I think was supposed to be reassuring.

Maybe hurrying back to Pullman for New Year's Eve hadn't even been about being away from me. Maybe it had been about _this._

Just because Jacob wanted me, didn't mean he couldn't want other things too.

It didn't mean he couldn't want other girls.

I felt sick.

I stood up abruptly and stumbled to the bathroom.

--

I didn't actually throw up, but I did cry a little.

I groaned when I stepped out of the cubicle and took a look in the mirror. My eyeliner had run, smudged in heavy circles under my eyes. I looked like crap and there was very little I could do about it – even if I managed to wash the black off with just water it was still going to be obvious I'd been crying.

I cursed my reflection. Why couldn't I have packed makeup in my purse like normal girls did?

I was just debating the best way to sneak out of the bar without being seen when the door burst open and a giggling girl in a denim mini skirt fell against the sink next to me.

My eyes narrowed involuntarily.

Tan, light brown curls. She might have been the one who had tried to braid Jacob's hair.

She was panting and clinging onto the sink, still in fits of giggles when she noticed me.

"Bella, right?" she asked, when she'd calmed down.

I attempted a smile. I guess this one was an official part of the group after all.

_How nice._

"Yeah, hi. I'm sorry, there were so many names, I…"

"Amber," she was frowning now. "What happened to you?"

"What? Oh. Nothing. I was just… It was hot in there, so I splashed some cold water on my face and my eyeliner sort of… And I forgot to bring it along, so…"

She raised a perfectly manicured eyebrow, dug around in her oversized red leather bag.

"Here," she handed me a little silver makeup case. "Go nuts."

I blinked in surprise, thanked her.

_How nice._

She smiled, headed into a cubicle with a casual "Sure."

--

When we came out of the bathroom, Amber trying unsuccessfully to explain to me why she'd been in hysterics, Jacob was in the corridor. He was looking at me anxiously, waited for Amber to head back to the group before asking me if I was all right.

I smiled. "Sure, why wouldn't I be?"

Thank God for Amber. That would have been way too difficult to pull off with panda eyes. Even now, Jacob looked doubtful.

"I blinked and you were gone. I thought maybe you were sick or something."

I rolled my eyes, pushed at his shoulder playfully. "Can't I go to the bathroom without checking with you first?"

He chuckled at that. "Well excuse my concern, Bells."

"Just this once," I said with a comically pained sigh, trying to hide how touched I actually was that he'd followed me. "Now go back and sit down and I'll get us another drink."

"Why don't I just come with you and - "

I glared. "I'm fine. Go sit."

--

An unfamiliar voice addressed me.

"Hey."

I turned to see a pallid dark-haired boy staring at me with a sort of deliberate intensity.

"Um, hi," I said with a quick smile, turning back to continue in my quest to get the bartender's attention.

Why was he serving everyone but me?

"Lucas. Luke." the boy took my hand and shook it – didn't hold his out and wait, just unceremoniously took mine.

I nodded slightly, more than a little uncomfortable, pulled my hand away. "Isabella. Bella."

He didn't smile really, which meant I was under no obligation to.

I did anyway. Damn facial muscles.

"You're not from around here are you?" he asked in a low, quiet voice that once again, seemed to have been the product of some study.

I almost giggled. "Um, other side of the state."

He was nodding slowly. "I knew it. You have that look."

Again, I almost laughed in the kid's face. "That other-side-of-the-state look?"

He leaned in closer, obviously still in suave mode. "You're mysterious."

That was _it._ I snorted, tried to turn it into a cough.

He didn't seem to notice.

He was in the middle of telling me something about a 1930's horror film festival and I was in the middle of taking in his all-black attire when the bartender was finally ready to take my order.

"Sorry," I said, interrupting him then leaning over the bar. "Can I get two vodka tonics?"

For one horrible second I panicked that _Lucas, Luke_ might actually be arrogant enough to think one of those was for him.

I cast a nervous glance his way while I opened my purse.

As soon as I'd paid I smiled awkwardly and said I had to get back to my friends.

He stopped me before I could hurry away, again invading my personal space, handed me a piece of paper with his number on it "in case you're interested in checking that film festival, Isabella."

My eyes widened at the audacity of it. Within five minutes and with virtually no encouragement this embarrassingly pretentious stranger had effectively asked me out.

I shoved the piece of paper into my purse with a quick "Thanks" and hurried back to the table with the drinks, spilling them on my shoes as I went, of course.

--

The night wore on. Everyone continued to have what seemed like a great deal of fun and most people were really friendly to me.

It was only eleven and the party didn't seem to be slowing down, but somehow I was just drained. When it got to the point where I was stifling a yawn every time I opened my mouth to talk, I decided it was time for me to go.

I got up and walked around to where Jacob was sitting, leaned over him, letting my hair fall onto his shoulder and feeling a stupid thrill when it spilled into his.

"I'm gonna go. I'm exhausted and I have to work tomorrow."

He stood up, smiled. "Sure, let's get out of here."

"No!" I objected quickly. I didn't want to ruin his night. I didn't want him to think I was trying to drag him away. "It's still early and it's Friday night. You should stay."

He frowned. "But then how would you get home?"

He'd brought me here on the back of his bike. _The_ bike. That same old black one I'd watched him fix up back in La Push.

"Cab. I'll be fine."

He shook his head. "Honestly, I'm kind of beat too. I'll take you. Just let me get my jacket."

"Jake, you can't drive!" I squealed, appalled at the suggestion. "You've been drinking all night."

He chuckled, lowered his voice. "You know how much food werewolves can put away. It's the same with alcohol."

I pursed my lips, skeptical. "I'm not sure I should buy that."

"Oh come on, do I look drunk to you? I'd have to sit here guzzling beers for another six hours at least to even feel it." He grimaced. "It kind of sucks actually."

I smiled. "Poor Jake. No excuse to dance on the tables."

He grinned back at me. "Who needs an excuse?"

"See that kind of attitude is why you should stay." I focussed my eyes on a point behind him, tried to keep the smile on my face. "You're having fun and I – "

He groaned and grabbed my hand. It was ridiculous considering how many times he'd done that since I'd known him, but right now, in front of all these people, in front of all his new friends, his warm fingers around mine almost brought a blush to my face.

"You're starting to piss me off now, Bells. Let's go."

I nodded mutely, still fighting to keep the blood from rushing to my cheeks.

--

The ride was bliss, just as it had been on the way there. My arms weren't just allowed to snake around his waist and pull my body tightly to his, they _had_ to. It was a matter of safety. I pressed my hands against the taut warmth of his stomach, wished I didn't have the damn helmet on so I could rest my head on his shoulder. I leaned in as close to the small amount of bare skin at his neck as I could, breathed in the scent of him – _earth, rain, pine needles_ - while the wind rushed past us.

_Bliss._

It was over too soon. We were standing on the sidewalk outside my building and he was asking me if I'd had a good time.

"Yeah, definitely," I answered with all the enthusiasm I could rake up. "I'm just sorry I got so sleepy so soon. Your friends are really cool."

He nodded, hooked the spare helmet onto the bike.

"And what about _your_ friend?" he asked with a small, tight smile.

I frowned. "What friend? Amber?"

He shook his head. "Nope. The guy you were exchanging numbers with at the bar."

I blinked. He'd _seen_ that?

"Um, we weren't exchanging. He just kind of gave me his. It was a little bizarre actually."

Jacob was still smiling, full lips stretched thin. "So?"

"So what?" I asked, puzzled.

"So is he as cool as my friends?"

My brow furrowed in confusion. "Uh, Jacob. You know I have no intention of actually calling him, right?"

He shrugged. "He's skinny and pale. Sort of your type isn't it?"

A valiant attempt at nonchalance. Not good enough though.

Something inside me flickered brightly, my breath caught sharply in my throat.

_He's jealous._

I stepped toward him, felt my whole face crumbling into a soft smile.

"I'm not interested in him," I said quietly, took both his hands in mine, tilted my head back to look up at him.

"You're not?"

Jacob's voice was a low vibration tickling all the skin on my body. His eyes were locked on mine, dark, rich with feeling.

I shook my head slowly.

"I'm only interested in – "

He silenced me. Physically. Actually pulled a hand out of mine and pressed it to my mouth before I could finish my sentence.

"I can't…"

He removed his hand slowly.

His thumb traced a steady rough line over my cheekbone down to my jaw. "I can't hear that, Bells."

It felt like my body was gone, like it had collapsed, reassembled itself in some foreign shape at my feet.

"Why not?" I choked out in a whisper.

He sighed, pulled his other hand out of mine and stepped back.

"Bella, I said we'd be friends and now we are. That's good, right?"

"Yeah it's good." I shook my head, felt the thick knotted lump in my throat growing by the second. "But…" I tried to swallow smoothly. "You don't want us to be anything more than that?"

"I…" He looked at me for a long moment, before swinging his leg over the bike. "I don't even want to be talking about this. I'm sorry."

He pulled his helmet on, hiding his face from me.

_Hiding_

His voice was even when said "I'll see you later, okay Bella?"

Then the engine roared and he was gone.


	25. Chapter 25

Charlie called to tell me a letter had come from WSU. He opened it and told me the happy news – I'd been accepted, I could enroll this fall.

I should have been thrilled, I _would_ have been thrilled under normal circumstances. But as it was, it was hard to even pretend to be excited for Charlie's sake.

_I'll see you later._

Right. Fine. How _much_ later?

It had been nearly ten days and the only communication I'd had from Jacob was a text message telling me he was swamped with papers to write and he'd call me soon.

Soon? _How_ soon?

What was the point of my moving across the state? Was I here in Pullman so I could be completely alone again? I had Alaska for that.

One evening, after a whole two weeks had gone by, I was stomping around in my tiny apartment cleaning obsessively when I realized with some surprise that I was actually _angry._ I was really, really _mad_ at Jacob.

If he just wanted to be friends, well _fine._ I'd just have to die inside for a few millennia, but nevermind, okay, fine.

That wasn't what was making me want to punch him no matter how ineffectual that would be. It was all the other bits in between the pulling away and not wanting to talk about it and not being able to hear things from me.

If friendship was really all he wanted from me, why the hell couldn't he just act like it?

Why did he have to _look_ at me the way he sometimes – often – did? All heat and softness and wanting? I wasn't imagining that look. And I wasn't imagining the stupid jealousy and the way his voice got low and ragged and how his heart beat too fast when my hand was pressed against it.

I wasn't imagining any of that.

So what was it all about, the constant push and pull, picking my heart up and letting it drop? Was it a game? Was it payback?

Whatever it was I'd had enough of it.

Suddenly I had an incredibly strong and ugly urge to pay _him_ back, call him and tell him anything I could think of to make him feel as bad as I did. He probably wouldn't answer. All the better, I could leave him a message of uninterrupted screaming abuse that he could enjoy later, then he could just listen to that and understand that I –

I had a better idea.

I tipped the contents of my purse onto my bed and fished out the little piece of paper I'd only just remembered was still in there.

_Lucas, Luke_ with his I'm-so-deep voice and his black-uniform-obscure-film-festival-'you're mysterious' bullshit was about as attractive to me as an enema. But if he made Jacob jealous he was perfect.

I dialed the number crossly, jabbing at the keys on the phone. I almost let it ring before I hung up.

What was I _doing?_

This wasn't me. I was going _crazy._

I couldn't call Jacob. And I sure as hell wasn't going to call _Lucas, Luke_ – I was already busy shredding the piece of paper with his number on it when I started to sob.

There was only one person I could talk to, only one friend I was still allowed to call.

I dialed Billy's number.

I was grateful when it was Leah who answered. "Yeah? Black residence."

"Hey Leah, it's Bella." I tried to inject the sound of a smile into my voice.

"Hi Bella, what's happening?" she asked quickly. She sounded a little preoccupied.

"Is this a bad time? I could call back later."

"No, no. It's fine. It's just I…" She made a kind of a grunting noise. "I just got out of the shower and I'm trying to get dressed while holding the phone. It's hard. Hang on a sec."

She set the phone down. I waited a moment.

"There. That's better," she said. "So what's going on? Are you all right? You sound weird."

"I'm fine," I said instinctively. Then I frowned. "No I'm actually really not. Jacob is driving me completely insane."

Leah chuckled. "How so? Or do I not want to know."

I groaned. "Sadly, it's really not that interesting. He just… he won't let us… progress."

"Progress how?"

I could hear the sound of a long zipper, then another. Boots.

"Well, we're still just _friends._"

I poured all my frustration into that last word.

_Friends._

"Okay, well, isn't that kind of what he said he wanted in the first place?" Leah asked.

I grimaced. "Yes, but… Trust me, okay, he's not acting like a friend." I felt a tear drip down my cheek, wiped it away and sniffled pathetically. "We keep having these really intense moments and then he just shuts it down. I don't get it."

Leah was quiet for a moment, then spoke softly. "You really don't get it, Bella?"

"I…" I shook my head. "I treated him like crap, I know, so I understand that he wants to get back at me, but I – "

"Get back at you? Oh come on, Jacob's not that petty and you know it." She paused and when she spoke again it was with a gentleness I'd never heard from her before. "He's just scared, Bella. You can understand that, can't you?"

She was right. Jacob wasn't vindictive. He didn't want to hurt me, I knew that.

I swallowed. "Yeah, I can."

I heard Leah sigh, mutter something unintelligible to herself.

"I can't… I don't feel right telling you the things I could hear in him at the time, but you really broke his heart. I mean, _really._ The first time obviously, and then again when you just left. He's scared to trust you again."

"That's all?" I asked in a small voice.

"How would I know? I haven't been reading his thoughts lately. All I can tell you is that being scared like that… it was enough to stop me letting someone in – letting anyone in, let alone the person who hurt me in the first place."

I nodded even though she wouldn't see it, blinked back a fresh salty trickle.

At that moment I heard Billy's gruff voice call out "Leah! He's here!"

I heard her mutter _Shit_ and the tears stopped instantly.

"Leah? Who is _he?_" I asked.

"What? Nobody, I have to go."

She sounded suspiciously irritated.

"No! Tell me. Right now."

I could feel a slow grin spreading across my face.

"God, nobody, okay? It's just Embry."

"Uh huh," I replied, not bothering to hide my amusement. "So what's Embry doing visiting you?"

"Nothing," she hissed.

I chuckled. "Embry is nobody and he's doing nothing. Interesting."

I heard a groan, the jangle of keys.

"Shut up okay? It's no big deal. We're just having a little fun."

I actually squealed.

_"You and Embry?"_

"What?" she snapped. "We both know what we could be letting ourselves in for if one of us imprints. There's nothing wrong with it, okay?"

"I never said there was anything wrong with it." I was sitting there, red-eyed, tear-streaked and grinning like an idiot. "Leah? I'm so happy."

"Really?" she asked dryly. "Because a second ago you were full of the whine."

"Oh ha ha, thank you very much."

"No sweat. You know I'm always here for you."

Her tone was sarcastic, but mine wasn't when I said "Yeah, I know."

"I've gotta go, Bella. Just call him, okay?"

I smiled. "Okay. Have a nice date!"

She groaned again, hung up.

Well. Leah and Embry. That was unexpected. And somewhat ironic – Jake had told me he'd copped the worst of her bile by far when she'd first joined the pack.

I chuckled, remembered how in second grade in Phoenix, Nick Pearson had run up and punched me hard in the arm, and his big sister Abby had consoled me and solemnly explained that when a boy did that it meant he was in love with you.

Maybe that could apply to damaged teenage girls too.

--

A couple of days later I'd worked up the courage to take Leah's advice and just call Jake. I could tell from his voice that he was surprised I'd taken the initiative, but he also sounded pleased and agreed to take a break from all that studying he insisted he was doing and meet me for a drink.

This time we went to _my_ favorite bar, which was really nothing exceptional. I only chose it because it was walking distance from my building and I'd noticed that it was always half-empty on weeknights.

Embry and Leah and their fun was a good ice-breaker. Jacob laughed, said he wasn't surprised in a way. Apparently Embry used to have a fairly chronic and obvious crush on Leah when they were kids. She, of course, being nearly three years older and much too cool, had never paid any attention to him.

"Hey, what is it with you Quileute boys and older women?"

He grinned. "It must be our exceptional levels of maturity."

"Sure, sure," I said and he caught my eye, smiled softly.

"I'm really sorry, Bells. About the other day."

I raised an eyebrow. "Which other day? The one that was more than two weeks ago?"

He groaned. "I know, I know. I'm an asshole."

"Mmm, you sort of are, yes. But I'll forgive you." I frowned. "But only if I can have my book back. I've given up all hope of you actually reading it by now and I miss it."

"I read it," he said impossibly quietly, almost as though he didn't intend me to hear.

"You did?"

He nodded slowly. "Yeah, ages ago actually."

"You never said... Did you hate it or something?"

"I didn't…" He stared into his drink for a long time.

"You didn't what?" I asked softly.

He looked me in the eye, squaring his shoulders like he was preparing for a blow.

"I'm Mirah, aren't I?" he asked, added heavily, bitterly "I'm the _right_ choice."

I swallowed, trying to think what to say to that, a little stunned by the sudden turn the conversation had taken.

"I… Yeah, you're Mirah to me. In a way."

His face was somehow hard and in disintegration at the same time, his eyes fell to his drink again.

"But only in a way," I continued quickly. "Most of all you're Daniel."

He looked back up at me, blinked twice.

"You're Daniel and I'm both of the other two. You saved me. And then you changed me." My words stumbled over the lump in my throat. "I was weak and short-sighted. I was selfish and I…"

I remembered something Gwendolen had said in the novel, something like…

My lips trembled in a small smile. "I'm a better person because I know you, Jake."

We were staring into each other's eyes. It felt like a long, long time passed between us. A lifetime.

He reached across the table and touched my hand. I looked down at his russet skin on mine and my heart squeezed itself tight like a fist. I wanted to grab onto him, do the same with my hand, but I wasn't about to risk spoiling the moment.

"You were always a good person," he murmured.

Then he pulled away from me, sat back in his chair and I wanted to scream _No!_

"It wasn't your fault. You were in love with him." He lifted a hand, not looking at me, mouth twisting in a smirk. "Excuse the past tense."

I leaned toward him. "Jake?"

His eyes met mine and I could see the tiny muscles around them twitch under my gaze.

"The past tense is fine," I whispered.

His cell buzzed.

I wanted to pick the damn thing up and smash it into the wall.

Jake answered it quickly. "Dad? Hi, how are you going?"

Billy. If it had been anyone but his father I would have been cursing them silently.

I looked over and saw that Jake had finished his drink, decided to take the opportunity to go to the bar, give him some privacy.

--

The girl behind the bar flashed me a smile, glanced over at Jacob and made a rather pointed remark along the lines of "A quiet night out with your boyfriend?"

I stared at her while she got the drinks, trying not to look too murderous. "He's my friend."

"Oh," she said, thin eyebrows rising.

"My best friend," I qualified, through gritted teeth.

She nodded, gave me another cheap smile. "10.90 thanks. So does he like blondes?"

My eyes nearly popped out of my head and I spilled coins all over the bar.

"What? Um, I dunno. I guess so. Possibly."

I wanted to smack her.

She must have seen how uncomfortable she was making me, but she just smiled again, handed me my change. "Tell him I said hi, would you?"

I couldn't answer that, not even with a physical gesture.

_Not an appropriate one anyway. _

I just took the drinks and walked stiffly back to the table.

Jacob hung up a moment later. He smiled.

"Sorry about that. Thanks for the drink."

"Sure." I said, stabbing the ice in my drink with my straw. "The um, the woman at the bar said hi. The blonde one."

"What?" He laughed. "Um, well… Thanks for letting me know."

"You're welcome." It came out far too tight and brittle.

Jacob didn't say anything after that and when I lifted my eyes I saw that he had an amused smile on his face.

"Bella, do you want to leave?" he asked evenly.

I pressed my lips together, felt my forehead crinkling.

He chuckled softly when I said "Yes please."


	26. Chapter 26

The air was different outside. Cleaner, purer. And the air was different between us too.

There was a new kind of understanding, a new peace and a new tension at the same time.

We were wandering aimlessly down an empty street, in a silence that was both comfortable and torturous, when I remembered my exciting news.

"You know, I forgot to mention earlier, I got into WSU."

Jacob stopped walking and turned to me, a huge smile on his face. "Bells, that's amazing!"

"I sincerely hope you mean amazing in the sense of good, not in the sense of Bella's-too-stupid-for-WSU," I teased.

He just raised and eyebrow, teasing me right back.

"So you'll be sticking around, then?"

I smiled, blushed a little, started walking again. "I would have stuck around anyway."

My eyes were on the ground. I couldn't see Jacob's face and he wasn't saying anything, but I _felt_ his pleasure at my words and it was making a whole lot of things inside me melt.

"Your shoelaces are undone," I noted quietly.

"Can't have that," he said just as quietly, sat down on the low stone wall that ran along the street and bent down.

"You know, I couldn't tie my own shoes till I was twelve," I said with a sheepish smile. "My best friend used to do it for me every time we had gym."

Jacob laughed loudly at that unexpected outburst, then shook his head, a wide grin on his face.

He'd finished tying the laces, but he was still sitting, forearms rested on his knees, and as he sat his expression changed, clouded swiftly and smoothly. I just stood there watching him, while he stared down at his shoes with a hilarious intensity, grimacing and clenching his teeth like he was trying to communicate with them or something.

I couldn't help but giggle at his pained expression.

"Jacob, what the hell are you doing?"

He didn't respond at all for a moment. Then he nodded slightly even though it hadn't been a yes or no answer question, looked up at me.

"I'm trying to make a choice."

He paused, my stomach tightened.

"I'm in love with you, Bella, you know that."

Something about the matter-of-fact way he said it clutched at my ribs, squeezing so hard I thought they might shatter. Happiness swelled inside me, but it was strange, different, sort of a madness, and irrational tears were prickling in the corners of my eyes.

"No." I half-lied. "I don't know that. I can't... Because you shouldn't be. After everything I've done you shouldn't love - "

"But I do." He smiled wearily. "I can't shake it. I'm still in love with you. That's done." He looked back at his shoes for a moment, still concentrating so adorably hard. "Now I'm just trying to decide what to do with that."

I smiled around an abandoned breath, slowly, slowly stepped toward him and sat down on the wall.

"The Jacob Black I used to know would have kissed me by now."

He chuckled. "True. Version 2.0 is a little less sure of himself."

I swallowed. Warm steel bands twisted around my ribcage again and my heart thumped helplessly, beating against the bars. Everything in my body wanted _out_, everything wanted to pin itself to Jacob, be around him, all over him, _in_ him. So many emotions were running through me – fear of losing this, excitement at his words, guilt from his pain and more than anything else, a shuddering sense of impending joy. I let one of my hands reach out, touch his lightly with shaking fingers.

"I'm sure of you," I whispered, wishing I didn't sound so nervous.

He took my hand in his and I closed my eyes, breathed in with a little hiss because this was it. This was the moment when everything would change, shift, _turn itself around._ My hand in his like this – warm, finished, final – was the moment when everything would click into place.

The world spun back into focus as I opened my eyes.

Jacob had been watching me.

"Are you sure?" he asked solemnly.

I smiled. "I'm sure I'm sure of you."

I leaned in to him, feeling the smile drop into something else, something like pleading and anticipation, almost hurting. Something like what I saw in his eyes. I brought a pale, trembling hand to his face, pressed it against his rich russet skin.

"I'm in love with you too, you know."

There it was. I'd said it and not to my mother this time. I'd said it and he hadn't stopped me. He had only smiled, lifted his own free hand to my face, crossing his arm over mine.

"You love me. You're in love with me." He said the words slowly, carefully, almost like he was sounding them out for someone else. Then he added "I'm scared that that won't be enough."

"It is enough. You're all I want." My voice was firm, almost loud when perhaps it should have been soft and lulling. I shifted closer to him, let my hand slide from his cheek into his hair.

Jacob sighed, closed his eyes, mumbled something like "You can say that and it's not that I..."

But then he had grabbed me, pulled his hand out of mine and pressed it to my back, dragging me against him. He had grabbed me and he was kissing me hard, lips opening around my mouth, pushing into me almost fiercely. He was kissing me and I was clutching at his shoulders and neck, trying to bring him closer, his tongue slick with mine, teeth at my lower lip and a muffled sigh that my hand at his throat _touched_, and he was kissing me, he was kissing me, _Jacob was kissing me._

When we stopped we were both open-mouthed and panting, foreheads pressed together, fingers quivering, gripping each other as best we could.

"Oh God," I breathed, lips curling in an inevitable smile. "You have no idea how much I've been wanting that."

"Mmm," he murmured, "I think I have some idea."

He kissed me again and it was slow this time, slow, thick, teasing, a warm avalanche mouth to mouth, and I gasped again when we broke apart because his lips shifted to my ear and he whispered _Missed you so much, Bells, honey. _

He kissed his way down my neck, feather-light, chuckled into my skin when I breathed out "Ja- m- ah- miss- you too."

I realized suddenly that I wasn't sitting on the cold stone wall anymore, I was in Jake's lap, and my hands had crept under his shirt, instinctively seeking his skin, sliding mindlessly up the sides of his body, pressing into the warm, tight flesh of his back. In response, automatically it seemed, his large calloused hands were slipping quickly under my shirt, rubbing hot circles into the small of my back.

It only occurred to me then that we were in a public place.

"Um, I think we – " he kissed me, silencing me for a moment, " - might be getting to the stage where we could get arrested."

He laughed. "Oh, I would never live that one down with the pack."

I stood up, took his hands and pulled him toward me.

"Okay, so, my place is a couple of blocks from here and" – he'd extracted his hands from mine and snaked his arms around me again – "I think you should just" – Jacob bent down, kissed the corner of my mouth – "leave the bike because I" – his lips covered mine and he was leaning into me, curving my body back so far that I was only supported by his hold on me – "I don't want either of us putting a damn helmet on right now."

He grinned, pulled me back up so I was steady on my feet again whispered "Good thinking." Then he picked me up easily, hugged me to him, and I wrapped my legs securely around his waist.

"Which way?" He asked.

I giggled. "Um, left. No wait! Right." I burst out laughing. "Oh God, I don't know. Um… what is _wrong_ with me?"

Jacob just kissed me again, which really wasn't going to help us get home, and when he lifted his lips from mine and looked into my eyes, I could see that he wasn't thinking about directions at all anymore.

"You're mine," he breathed huskily.

"I'm yours," I answered in a whisper. The word 'forever' tumbled out and I giggled again. "Well not forever, because – "

Jake was kissing me and I was collapsing inside for the millionth time in the last few minutes.

_This is it. He wants me. He loves me. He's mine. His arms and his lips and his heart and his head. He's letting me have him. I get to have Jacob. Finally. This is it._

When our mouths tore apart we were panting again. I buried my head in Jake's warm shoulder, scanned the street quickly, relieved to see that it still seemed to be empty.

"Which way?" he asked again, more urgently this time.

I tried to swallow my half-breaths to speak.

"Behind you, two blocks down, then right."

And then he was running. He was running way too fast, but he didn't care, I didn't care.

We didn't care.

--

My hands were shaking too much to get the key in the door. Jake sighed dramatically and took over for me.

I rolled my eyes.

As soon as we were inside he'd pushed me up against the wall, started kissing me with a new kind of fever. I was tugging at his shirt, pulling it the wrong way half the time because the world was upside down, everything was upside down and I was flying. Jacob let go of me for a second, took it off himself, and I pulled him back to me, reaching eagerly for his skin, running my lips along the warmth of his shoulder, squeezing the supple-tight muscles of his arms.

His hands were at my stomach now, thumbs rubbing the flesh there then dipping to pop the button on my jeans, pull the zipper down. My eyes shot open, widened as he tucked his hands inside, starting wriggling the jeans over my hips, closed again when I felt his hands on the backs of my thighs. I lifted my feet, kicked a little and the jeans were gone, the jeans were gone and Jacob's large hot hands were their replacement.

My lungs were a mess. I could swear I saw stars.

"Jake, I want you so much, never felt… never felt anything…"

It was true. I had never felt anything quite like this. The soft burning of it, the endless slipping into something I never quite touched, the faint rush of knowing that aching and relief were the same thing, they were the same thing and they were both _this._

Jacob was mumbling things to me between kisses, things like "You're the only one, Bella. You're the only one who can ever make me feel this way."

"How?" I asked, clawing at his skin, wanting him closer even though I was pretty sure that was a physical impossibility. "Feel how? Tell me."

He laughed into my shoulder. "I can't believe you want me to elaborate right now. Um, okay…" He took a couple of quick breaths, lifted his head to look me in the eye, and everything about him was so completely _there_ with me.

"Like I'm gonna cry because it's too much but never enough. Like I'd give anything to catch this moment in my hands and keep it. This one, right here."

He pressed his mouth to the spot where my neck met my ear, slid a hand up my thigh at the same time.

I inhaled sharply, a tiny sound connected to my breath, felt Jacob smile against me when I breathed out _I love you so fucking much._

That was when he picked me up, asked me "Which way?" for the third time that night.

"Down the hall, left."

He kicked the door open, threw me down on the bed, frowned.

"You call this a bed?"

I giggled. "Well I'm small. And I don't usually have a huge werewolf in it with me."

"No. This isn't going to work." He shook his head, pulling me up. "Come on, off you get." He started unmaking the bed. "Got any extra blankets?"

--

Less than five minutes later we were on the mercifully carpeted floor rolling around on the mattress and a sea of everything I could get my hands on – blankets, pillows, cushions, even towels.

Jacob's hand was under my tee shirt, straining with the tight fit of it, and it seemed like he was trying to get it off without taking his lips from mine. He only struggled for a couple of seconds before he just ripped it, neck to stomach. I started laughing against his cheek and he pulled back for a moment to survey the damage, grinned ruefully.

"Sorry. We'll go shopping."

My laughter at that was cut short when he started kissing his way along my collarbone then down, down, his lips brushing lightly over the fabric of my bra, then over my ribcage that was lifting up to meet him with every half-broken breath.

He stretched back up to my mouth, dipping into it again with his, and then, without a word, without a moment's hesitation, his fingers slid up my left thigh and under the band of my underwear, hand pressing flat against my hipbone.

I couldn't breathe.

It was shock and desire and a sudden terror all at the same time and I couldn't breathe at all for a moment.

Jacob noticed, pulled his hand away and looked down at me with concern, the air shaking slowly out of him. "Are you okay?"

"I'm…" My mouth twitched in a nervous smile. "You really seem to know what you're doing with all this."

Jake's brow furrowed, he bit his lower lip. "Should I not… I mean, did you expect me not to?"

"No, no," I said quickly, shaking my head. "I didn't expect that at all, it's just that… It's just… I'm... not so experienced."

I felt my cheeks redden horribly under the intense stare he was giving me now.

"You never… You mean you're…?"

"Yeah," I said softly.

He stared at me for a moment longer before he flopped down on his back, arms thrown up behind his head, muttered _Holy crap._

I stayed completely still beside him, swallowed thickly, struggling with imminent tears, suddenly feeling more brutally self-conscious that I ever had in my life.

"I know it's weird," I said shakily, "It's just that with Edward, we couldn't until I… it was too dangerous. And then I never wanted anyone else, except… And now here we are, and it's weird, I know it's weird."

My voice cracked over the last words and Jacob's hands were on my face immediately, thumbs wiping the first tears away. "Don't cry Bells, baby, love."

_Bells, baby, love. New words. New Jake words for me._

He kissed both my cheeks quickly, pressed his lips gently to mine. "Don't cry, Bella. It's not weird, I was just overwhelmed. I love you, don't cry."

I sighed, sniffled and looked away, reaching up to wipe at my face. "I'm sorry, it's just, _God_ this is so embarrassing."

Jacob brought a hand to my chin and directed my eyes back to his.

"No it's not," he said steadily. "Nothing about any of this is embarrassing. You're beautiful and I'm your first."

"Yeah," I croaked out, tried to smile.

"You know what's funny," he said quietly, still staring at me with something like awe. "I wouldn't have cared if I wasn't, but then… I feel like I'm going to burst with happiness because I am."

"I'm happy too," I whispered. "Just… I'm also insanely nervous."

Jacob chuckled, kissed me deeply in a way that was as soothing as it was dizzying. Then he gazed into my eyes while he slowly slid the strap of my bra down my right shoulder, leaned in and pressed soft kisses to the skin he'd uncovered there, murmured "It's okay honey, we'll take it slow."

--

We were lying on our sides, staring into each other's eyes, my hands at his chest, one of his stroking my arm lightly.

"I love you," I said.

He echoed it immediately, added "That was incredible."

I nodded limply. Every muscle in my body felt elastic.

"Incredible is right. I didn't think it could be so…"

"Me neither," he said, not needing me to finish my sentence.

"Well, no, you've done it before, so you should – "

"Me neither," he insisted with a small smile. "I've never done it with you Bells," he explained, his fingers still tracing gentle patterns on my arm. "It's different. _So_ different."

I decided not to say anything. It was enough to just lie there and look at him. Look at Jacob Black while he was looking at me like _that._

So I stared unashamedly and the longer I looked into the clean-lined flesh and bone strength of his face, the more I saw.

And now something in his eyes was tugging the corners of my mouth down.

"You look sad," I murmured.

He propped himself up on the pillows. "Why would I be sad?" He shook his head, smirking like I'd just said the silliest thing in the world. "This is the single greatest night of my life."

I believed him completely and yet I could still feel it in him, that hint of sadness, that tiny doubt. I could still…

I shifted so I was sitting up next to him, brought a hand to his face.

"Jake, there will be more nights like this."

He nodded slightly, pressed his cheek into my palm with a sigh.

"I hope so."

I frowned, remembering something suddenly.

"Wait a minute. You know what I meant before, right? When I said not forever?"

A chuckle, a nervous shrug.

"Um… can't be sure exactly. Figured it had something to do with the Cullens. Doesn't matter."

"Yeah, it does. It does matter, because I don't want forever anymore, Jake."

I brought my other hand to his face, let them both stretch back into his hair, clasp together safely around his neck.

"Just give me till we're both dead, okay?"

With a short, sharp laugh Jacob pushed me back down onto our make-shift bed, a slow smile taking us both over as he hovered above me.

"Deal."


	27. Chapter 27

**Author's Note - **This is the final chapter of this story. I hope you have enjoyed it! For a detailed analysis of Bella's cracked-out dreams in this fanfiction follow the link in my profile.

-----

Four years.

Jacob graduated before I did, obviously, toyed with the idea of medical school, but decided he'd rather start earning money right away than study for another five years. And his interest was in the human mind anyway – apparently all that 'blood and guts stuff' didn't appeal to him, werewolf or not.

He got a job as a research assistant in the psychology department at WSU, while I finished my literature degree and wrote a whole lot of self-indulgent short stories along the way that were probably never going to get published.

I was happy.

Jacob and I rarely fought, almost never. This had very little to do with me and a lot to do with him. He was nearly impossible to fight with, seeing as he was so inimitably _happy_ all the time.

Holidays were spent back home with Charlie and Billy and the Clearwaters, and when we'd both finished up at WSU we moved back there, rented a decent-sized apartment in Forks.

Embry-and-Leah was pretty much the cutest thing I'd ever seen and when I told Leah this, she punched me in the arm. I had a nice, round bruise to prove it for two whole weeks.

-----

Jacob and I went out on proper dates occasionally, something we had ironically never done oh so long ago in the early stages of our relationship. Once we went all the way to Seattle for dinner, because Jacob had an obsessive desire to eat at a much-hyped restaurant that served Wagyu beef.

The Edgewater Hotel.

The place was huge and extremely upmarket. We weren't cheap by any means, especially when it came to food – we both really liked good food - but still, it felt a little odd to be in such grand surroundings, and I was aware that my discomfort was showing on my face.

It only got worse when we were seated at a candle-lit table for two, all linen tablecloths and purple irises, the water glittering in the distance, a limestone wall separating us from the other diners like we were hiding from the paparazzi or something.

I was chewing on my lower lip nervously, trying not to wonder if there was more to Jacob's choice of location than fancy beef.

He noticed, smirked.

"What's the matter Bells? You don't think I've brought you here to propose or something do you? Kinda cheesy for my tastes."

I chuckled, shaking my head to shake away a blush. "Oh ha ha, Jacob. No, of course not."

Jake was chuckling now too. "Well thank God for that."

I just smiled, trying to lose that fish-out-of-water feeling.

Jake smiled back, irritatingly at ease.

"Anyway, so I was talking to Charlie the other day and I was thinking…", he yawned and stretched out a hand to pick up his wineglass, but there was a clever flick, a tiny pop, a creak.

A little velvet-lined box under my nose.

A cluster of tiny emeralds, tinier diamonds, white gold gleaming, all nestled in pitch black.

My mouth fell open, snapped shut.

"Will you marry me, Bella?"

Jacob asked the question with a wry smile.

"I knew it!" I squeaked out, lips barely parting. My whole face felt like it had been frozen, locked up tight somehow.

"Oh really?" he asked, amused. He put on a high voice. " 'Oh ha ha, Jacob. No, of course not.' "

I forced out a puff of air and was sort of surprised when a torrent of indignant words came with it. "That's not fair. You were all… blah blah it's cheesy! And, and, and blah blah thank God and… whatthehellyouidiotJake_God."_

"What? It's no fun if I don't get to shock the hell out of you." He grinned, gave the box a little shake. "So how about it?"

I just stared at him for a moment, my mind still waiting on my body.

Seconds scratched along a clock-face in my head.

_Fear. Flattery. Excitement. Certainty. Guilt. Wavering. Happiness. Pride. Love. Love. Love. _

I slid out of my chair unusually smoothly, gracefully, stood over Jacob for a second, fingers sliding into his shaggy hair. Then I was leaning down to press my lips to his.

His strong arms wrapped themselves immediately around my waist, pulled me into his lap, and we sank further into the kiss, his tongue curling thickly around mine. I sighed softly into his mouth as I felt trickles of heat pooling in the pit of my stomach, the way they always, always did when Jacob kissed me like that.

The way they always, always would.

Finally I tore my face away from his, asked with a breathless little smile "Does that answer your question?"

Jake cocked his head to one side, frowned. "Well not really. It was nice and all, but I was sort of more looking for a yes or a no. Wait scratch that, just a yes, really."

While he spoke I was pressing my face into his shoulder, giggling, a sort of a spluttery, sniffly sound - a few tears were inevitable.

When he was done and I'd found my voice again, I lifted my head, said a quick, soft _yes_ and started kissing him again, thrilling at his lips on mine like it was the first time again, or the second first time, the one that had really counted. All I wanted right now was _deeper, closer, more,_ but he was smiling all the damn time, mouth curving up and breaking the kiss, and I was having to reach for him constantly, pull his lip back between mine with a sort of a cross _mm_ sound.

Minutes passed and a small shaking hand – _my_ hand - was rubbing insistently at the nape of Jacob's neck, tucking itself into his shirt, fingers searching, searching. I was breathing heavily into him, feeling things trip and spill inside me, feeling myself –

Jacob took my hands and separated us, grinning almost smugly.

"Now I know we are sort of hidden away around a corner here, but this is still a restaurant Bells. Some self-control, please."

I groaned. "You can't propose to me and expect me to keep my hands to myself. And couldn't you have waited till after dinner?" I found myself gazing forlornly down at the unused cutlery on the table. "Now I'm going to have to sit here and eat and be all _proper_ and God," my eyes widened in horror, "then there's the drive home, all the way back to Forks. Honestly Jacob, this is just… poor planning, that's all I can say."

He laughed a _Love you_ into my lips.

I smiled.

"I love you, too. But you really, really suck at the planning and I - "

He was still laughing.

"Bells, honey, quit whining. We have a room."

"Oh. We do?" I asked in a small voice.

"Mmhm."

"Well…" I thought for a moment, fiddling with one of the buttons on his shirt. "Can we have dinner in this room of ours?"

He chuckled, pressed his forehead to mine. "Yes, we can."

I stood up quickly, knocking my leg hard against the table, tried not to wince when I said "Well then, let's be on our way."

I was looking around, trying to figure out which way I was supposed to be headed when Jacob stood up, coughed pointedly.

"What?" I asked, puzzled at his expression.

"Bella, don't you want your ring?"

My hands shot up in the air, hovered anxiously around my ears. "Oh! Yes! Yes, I want it. Where is it? I want it."

Jacob grinned slowly, picked the little box up off the table.

"Are you sure? Cos I could just return it and save us a whole lot of money."

I rolled my eyes in annoyance, but it was undercut by a loose, wide smile that I was sure was making me look moronic.

I held out my left hand.

"Shut up and put it on me."

-----

I was lying on my stomach, stark naked on a ridiculously luxurious bed in a ridiculously luxurious hotel room, and my whole body was swathed in a gentle, glowing ache, the result of far, far too much exertion for someone whose idea of exercise was running to the mailbox without tripping.

A warm hand ran slowly down my spine, fingers pushing firmly into the meek, mollified muscles of my back.

"Mmm," I murmured into a pillow. "That feels so good."

Jacob leaned down beside me, kissed my shoulder. "Really? How good?" he asked, his voice low and husky.

I turned my head, peeked out at him with one eye.

"Oh you have got to be kidding me. I'm _dying_ here."

He laughed. "Alright, alright, soothing touch only. Maybe we'll be more equally matched once I stop phasing." He smirked as he stroked my shoulders lightly. "Probably not."

I shifted so I was on my side, facing him.

"You're going to stop phasing?"

He brushed the hair out of my eyes, ran his fingers along my brows trying to smooth them. "Of course. Why wouldn't I?"

"I don't know, I just… wow."

He smiled easily and his voice was soft when he said "I want to follow you, Bells, live like you live."

I swallowed. This was something Sam hadn't even done for Emily, not yet anyway. To be fair, as alpha, it was more complicated for him than it was for Jake, but there was Jared too. He was still phasing, still living forever while Kim inched closer to death. And he'd imprinted on her.

_Imprinted._

The word still stung a little, even if I kept telling myself I didn't have to fear it anymore.

"But are you sure? I mean, what if you… I don't know, just…"

Jake groaned in frustration. "Stop it, okay? In case you haven't noticed Bella, I'm not actually an impulsive person. That's sort of your thing. I think things through, you know? I thought through imprinting, I thought through phasing, I thought through you and me… I wouldn't have put a ring on your finger if I hadn't been absolutely sure. I'm only ever going to want you. Can you just accept that? Please?"

"I…" I grimaced, wishing I could make myself just shut up. "It's just that… Alex is still out there and - "

"And so is Edward."

_Edward. _

That name still stung a little too.

I bit my lip. "Right, but - "

"But what?" he interrupted me gently. "I have to trust you but you don't have to trust me? That's not fair, honey."

I leaned into him, kissed him lightly, simply. "You just think you're so damn wise, don't you?"

He grinned broadly, all white teeth on russet skin, kissed me the same way I had just kissed him. "Pretty much."

Then he sat up, nodded toward the table at the other end of the darkened room. "Hungry?"

My eyes widened and I scrambled off the bed, pulling the sheets up around me as I went. "The food came?! But we were – And I was - _When the hell did the food come?!" _

Jacob burst with laughter at my little freak-out.

"No, the food didn't come. And if it had, covering yourself up now wouldn't be much use."

He was still snickering to himself when he reached for the phone, turned to glance at me, eyebrows raised.

"You know, I sort of feel bad. I think we may have confused them a little – ordering, then putting the do not disturb sign on the door within thirty seconds."

-----

Our engagement party was just drinks, copious amounts of food I spent all day slaving over and people we saw every day milling around at Charlie's place. Renee was in Europe with Phil, but she'd probably insist on something more formal when they got back to Jacksonville.

She'd been excited when I'd called her with the news, but then Renee was an excitable person generally, so her reaction was nothing compared to Charlie's uncharacteristically and embarrassingly ecstatic one.

I looked over at him, sitting with Billy, saw that he was looking at me that way now – like he was going to start dancing a jig or something - and I could tell that he was thinking something along the lines of _Thank God she didn't end up with that Cullen boy._

It broke my heart that I would never be able to explain the situation to him, make him see that everything Edward had done had been geared toward my safety, my happiness. He would never know what a truly good person Edward was, how much he had truly loved me.

I sighed heavily.

But then I smiled, felt my stomach tighten with pleasure when Jake's hand touched my shoulder briefly.

He was on his way to Emily with a glass of water - she was pregnant with her third child now. A little boy, Adam, sat beside her, clinging shyly to her skirt, while Sarah rushed about the room regaling people with her disturbingly loud singing voice.

Embry and Leah were there too of course, and he was sneaking a kiss at her neck, twining his fingers in hers before she reddened in embarrassment and smacked his hand away, looking around them nervously. I grinned watching them. Four years with Embry all over her hadn't cured Leah of her issues with public displays of affection.

My smile faded a little when I caught sight of Sam out of the corner of my eye. He was watching them too and there was a subtle pain on his face, a kind of wistful brokenness that disappeared without trace when little Sarah tugged on his shirtsleeve.

Sam loved Emily, fully and completely, there was no question there. And until recently I had seen them as the archetypal perfect couple, two people who meant more to each other than human minds could understand.

But I did understand now, and as happy as he and Emily were together, would always be, the sadness in Sam's eyes hadn't been misplaced.

He hadn't chosen. He hadn't stepped out into the unknown, faced the horror of uncertainty, fought it and won. He hadn't healed from that first spectacularly messy heartbreak, hadn't worked through it slowly, devastatingly and ultimately wholly the way Leah had. When I looked at her now, rolling her eyes as Embry whispered something to her, then grinning wickedly and pulling him toward the kitchen, I knew that when it came down to it, she had gotten the better end of the deal.

I caught a few words before the kitchen door swung shut.

"I'm happy for them and all, but I mean _marriage,_ come on, how lame is that?"

Embry laughed softly.

"Oh I don't know. Don't think it would be so bad myself."


End file.
